Anguish & Affection

Part 18

He stumbled over his words, trying to find a way to communicate his inner turmoil to her. Her eager gaze did nothing to ease the difficulty of divulging such personal thoughts and feelings. "Uhh...I..." he began.

Diya's fiery gaze and tone shook him to the core as she spoke. "You said two days ago that this was just about settling scores and getting revenge," she spat. "But I thought something had changed that night, that emotions were at play here. What is it really?"

"Never mind me, Atharv. Have you found any clarity for yourself? You can be so beastly at times, and then other times, you're like the guy I used to measure all my suitors against. You keep saying it's not just a mission for you, yet you seem to contradict yourself. What's going on?" Diya asked in the hopes of uncovering at least some truth about his feelings.

The atmosphere became thick with tension as his eyes of confusion and repentance met hers, filled with desperation and curiosity. The numerous grievances, countless limitations and mysterious plans melted away as they searched for each other's true feelings.

Atharv stayed away from the given topic and asked instead, "You never tried to keep in touch or look for me. How would I know that I was so important to you?"

He had asked himself, countless times, if she had forgotten him with such ease that she had never tried to contact him in the last ten years. Every unknown number popping up on his phone, every unfamiliar voice on the other line, and every surprise email he received sparked a spark of longing—hoping it was her. Yet he was always let down when it wasn't.

The pain and distress of similar situations seemed to grow with each new occurrence, rather than becoming more bearable. Despite the fact that this had happened many times over, every failure was still a shock.

Diya's response was blunt. "That's not what I asked. But unlike you, Atharv, I'm not the type to avoid questions. I tried to get in touch with you but failed. You changed your phone number and email address, so how could I reach out? I searched for you on social media sites but it didn't work." Shaking her head in frustration, she added, "I guess that's that."

"So, you just moved on?" he asked, rolling his shoulder and scoffing. "Found a new best-friend, got engaged to him. The time spent with him must've eclipsed the memories we shared together, isn't it?"

"Atharv, a relationship's beauty cannot be measured in time spent together. The smile that appears on your face whenever you think of the one who will never return; the tears that come when you miss their loving support; and the memories that flow back at the mere mention of their name - these show us what true love was. I moved on. I agree, but that does not mean that I never looked back hoping to find you," she added ruefully, wiping the tears which rolled down her flushed cheeks.

Atharv felt the shock of the unexpected blast through his veins, like an icy cold bullet. His heart, which was so desperate for her return, twisted in agony as he realized that his closed doors had not done enough to keep out the pain. No matter how many channels of contact he severed, he could not escape the deep thirst within him which remained unsatisfied.

"I was done with all the insults and gibes, so I blocked off all communication. But I hadn't severed my longing to hear the sound of your voice or see you again. Every day, every unknown message, call and email only made me wish it was you, yet it never was. We are blind to our own contribution to the situation, and I blamed myself for enough and couldn't readily accept the blame of bestowing the fate onto myself. I'm sorry, Diya!"

He managed a mirthless chuckle as tears welled in his eyes, and he became overwhelmed with regret. His honest outpouring made clear the answer to her question, one that she had not expected. The heavy atmosphere and his candid admission of longing expressed what they refused to say for so long.

Diya's lips curled into a smile as she uttered "I guess that answers my question" before heading to her room. More than anything, all she wanted was a few minutes of solitude to process and come to terms with the information she had just received.

Even though he never said it out loud, his eagerness to hear from her showed that the feelings he had once held for her had not evaporated. She understood that due to his quarrels with her father, direct contact was impossible. However, this did not stop him from yearning for her.

The enticing scent of paneer tikka, her favorite appetizer, drifted towards her nose and drew her out of her daydreams. The smell reminded her powerfully of the pleasant memories she held from childhood. These emotions came flooding back into her mind.

The aroma of the dish reminded her of simpler times—the time when their main concern was not to let anyone else have a bite of their food or taking too long to bat in a game of cricket. She fondly remembered the days they used to huddle around their parents, vying for the first piece of whatever delicious delicacy was being made so that they did not have to wait for more to be prepared.

A server placed the plate on the side table and left. Food could be ready for her with a snap of her fingers, but all the joys of sneakily taking food from their friends or finally biting into their favorite dish were gone along with their childhood.

Using her fork, she picked up a large morsel of the savory cottage cheese. The closer it got to her mouth, the more intense the nostalgic smell became. Finally, when she placed it on her tongue, an explosion of familiar flavors burst in her mouth. She recognized Atharv's recipe as one his mother had made years ago.

It was his mother's recipe that made her fall in love with the dish which she had despised before. Her passing left her empty and hollow, but when she ate the cottage cheese, a wave of melancholic warmth washed over her. She remembered her fondly as she savoured the taste of the food she had once despised.

It seemed too momentous to be a mere coincidence that his nonchalant attitude towards her in the days leading up to this was contradicted by the fact he had chosen to cook her favorite dish. She wondered if, while she was away from him, he searched for her within their shared memories and her favorite things, and this had led him to make this comforting meal for them both. Was it an attempt to calm himself amid his confusion about where she stood with him?