BROKEN

Twenty-two

I watched how we zipped past the trees, keiran was past the speed limit but I didn't care.
I missed feeling alive, I missed the feeling that came with thrill seeking
I loved and relished the sound of my heart pounding In my chest
I loved the feeling of freedom, I've always felt trapped, caged.

When I was little mom would lock me up in my room so that the other kids wouldn't think I was Abnormal
But she was just ashamed she gave birth to defect.
She played on my insecurities to make me think she loved or that she wanted to make things right but I see her for who she truly is. I remembered how many times mom took me to the salon to dye my white hair, she said it was unacceptable in the society
Now that I realise it she had never been comfortable with what I looked nor who I  am.

I tightened my grip on keiran's torso as he revved the bike faster.
In a few minutes we made it to my house, I got down from the bike, hugged keiran goodbye and walked in.
My phone buzzed and I saw mom calling, I just ignored it.
I felt used and hurt, I was just used as a tool to spite my father.
She took advantage of my naivety, I went upstairs changed out of my uniform and wore sweatpants and my brothers hoodie
I wanted to visit my father's grave today, I bought some flowers to place on his grave.

I walked into the cemetery, the sun was splashing pinkish golden hues In the blue sky It was picturesque.
I walked over to my fathers grave, played the flowers and traced his carved name on the tomb stone
"Hi dad" my voice was cracking, I still felt hurt
I still needed dad, he hurt me but he only thought I betrayed him
"It's lulu" I chuckled bitterly at the nickname he gave me when I was younger
"I am sorry dad, i know you thought I betrayed you but I didn't I promise...." I couldn't even complete my monologue, I was already crying " I know I was not a good daughter but that doesn't give you the right to die on me dad "

I buried my face in my palms and cried so much I felt my eyes would fall off
I felt that this was the first time I really did mourn my father.
I cried on his grave, when I looked up the sky was turning dark just like my soul
I stood up from the ground, dusted my knees and said goodbye to my father and walked away.
My feet were walking home but my mind was not in control of my body, I just kept wandering around until I did find my way home.
I glared at the door to my house like it had done me wrong.
This house had seen my tears more than anyone
If only walls could talk, they would speak of the pain, the anguished tale that Is my life, they would write a song of pain with the harmony of tears.

If only they would talk I could learn the stories of betrayals, the story of deception that my oh so great mother sealed up.
I walked to my room and slid down the door, the weight of my problems was wearing me down.
I am surprised that I carried it all, was this how Kiki felt before she died.
She never told me her full story only that her life was full of regrets and deception
She was a lone flower in a vast field, people would use her but never appreciated who she was.
She told me how she was cast aside by those who birth her, they failed to believe her when she tried to tell them the abuse she had gone through even in their own roof.
In certain ways I was like her, I was cast away too, mom sent me away no matter how much i begged.
She never asked for the extent of my pain, she looked me dead in the eye and told me I needed to be fixed.

When I came back, she dumped me on Mrs leotta. I always thought I was the one lacking in every area, I knew there was something missing in my relationship with Mom, I knew now that she lacked the ability to love me.
Her love for me was an obligation she had to fulfil, she didn't even love me because I came from her loins, she only saw me as a person she could use as a tool
She saw me as a tool she could manipulate, she took advantage of my insecurities and flaws, and shoved them in my face.

She played the game well, she knew I wore my heart on my sleeve, she knew I'd always come back to her, looking for refuge but now I knew better.
I stood up from the ground and crawled to the bed, I still felt the weight on my shoulders
I lay on the bed watching the black sky light up from the soft and cold glow of the moon.
I watched as something with fell from the sky. It was snowing
A full blown smile graced my lips, I loved snow. It is soft and delicate, it was just beautiful.
And for the first time in years I fell asleep, not in tears but with a full blown smile on my lips.