BROKEN

Twenty-Nine.

He held my gaze for a while, before walking away from me, like he didn't even know me, he just walked away taking his masculine scent with him. My feet were rooted on the ground I wanted to chase after him and ask him what I did to deserve this neglect. I choked up a sob and clutched my dress tightly until my knuckles turned white, I swallowed down all the words I longed to say to him and walked away from the cemetery.
Was I really that horrible to look at.

I missed his warm hands on mine, I missed the intellectual conversations we had, I missed his comfort, I missed his lingering gaze that enraptured my every being, I cried all the way home, the tears choking me with every step I took. I ignored mom's prying and walked upstairs to continue my agony, I let the tears stream and seize my entire body. I was mourning my self, I felt dead..
Every teardrop that fell from my eyes told a story of pain
I mourned for every that I was, I just felt dry and empty, I watched the sun go down, and the moon poke its white head in the sky, I heard devan asking me if I was okay and if I was hungry but I did and said nothing, I had never felt so lifeless like I was now
I heard the front door open, I heard voices Downstairs but I couldn't make them out, I just sat monk style in the middle of my room staring out of my window. I heard a knock on my door "lotus " it was devan soft and caring  again  "You're mom and I are going out, will you be okay" I nodded and I knew he couldn't see me, he stayed outside expecting me to answer but when he didn't hear anything, he sighed and walk away. I heard the door open and slam shut.

I stretched my hand and pulled my duvet over my body, the celestial body, the moon seemed gloomily glorious unlike me. The light in my room was turned off, I was literally living in the dark, my phone buzzed and I picked it up without looking at the contact id "Hello" I whispered and rasped it out
"Whitehead, what's wrong" 
"Keiran I'm fine just tired" he let out a soft humm. We talked for a while, letting me vent of my pain to him, I ended up breaking crying on the phone
" I can't take it anymore keiran, I feel empty inside "
I heard him take a sharp intake of breath " this feels like deja vu honestly, that was Kiki's words before she died. Don't do this to me whitehead, how about I come over Tomorrow and make the Sunday a funday for us before we go back to school on Monday or face reality"
"Okay " we talked some more before we called it a night, thought I felt lighter talking to keiran, all I wanted was Ivan, I longed for his presence in my life. I opened my messages and scrolled through Ivan and I text history, It was more of a one-sided conversation because he sent many messages but I failed to reply, maybe that's why he ignores me now, he had finally given up on trying to save a hopeless being. And as,always it was just my fault, I was not about to blame someone whom I pushed away for everything.

I tightened the blanket around and dragged a pillow from the bed to the floor, I had no plans on sleeping on the bed, I felt unworthy to lay on it, the ground was best suited for someone like me, I came across a picture of Ivan and Analise while scrolling on my phone, I see why he would be with her,she Is very pretty, had a slim figure while i had excess pounds of flesh which made me curvy, she had regular socially accepted looks while I looked like the moon had thrown up on me overall she was perfect for him while I was the definition of a mistake
I locked my phone and thought of how things would be if I was just a normal teenager like Analise. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of exhausting take me to La la land

I woke to the sound of soft knocking, I was still laying on the floor rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "Lotus breakfast is ready " Devan asked, it was almost as if he cared but I knew he didn't truly, he was just trying to score points with mother, I untangled my self from the makeshift bed on the floor. I took a shower and got dressed for the funday that keiran had planned