Make me feel

1- loneliness

I used to think being alone was the best fucking thing ever. You get to do anything you want with peace and silence and not one single bother, every offer I got to hang out with people I would say no and stay at home and do literally nothing.

People eventually stopped trying, and that's when I realized that liking being alone can bring loneliness. Oh how much I hated it.

You start getting used to feeling alone in a room full of people. Teens your age sitting in a table with their friends laughing and being happy and all you can do is watch and wish you could have that too.

I then simply stopped caring, who cares that I never get a how are you doing text, who cares that I haven't experienced a laughter so hard your stomach hurts, who cares I never had real friends before, who the fuck cares it doesn't even matter.

Some may say it's not healthy to be so emotionless, it's not that I don't feel..it's just that I don't show it. I don't gain anything by showing emotions, just pity and unnecessary questions from nosy ass people.

I kept walking with my headphones on full volume, i'm surprised I don't have hearing loss yet, listening to metal and sad music at full volume can surely give some damage, not that I would care anyways.

I'm on my way to my new school, dad decided to move to this small town for a 'better change'. I was fine where I was, I didn't bother anyone and no one bothered me I was fine on my own, now I got to deal with the curious and judging eyes and small talk and all that new kid shit.

My dad and I don't have the best of son and father relationship I could say.

Ever since mom passed away 7 years ago we grew apart and barely see each-other, he began busying himself with paperwork and leaving the office at morning when I had to go to school. It's been so long since we have had a proper conversation.

Mama passed away in a car accident, I was with her at the time. I don't really remember what happened even though I wasn't that young I don't remember much details.

All I remember from the accident is the pain I felt at my left eye and trying to get out and help my bleeding mama before passing out.

Now the only reason I haven't fully forgotten it is because of the straight scar I have starting from my left eyebrow to the middle of my cheek and my blind white left eye.

I was so insecure about it, the little murmuring my classmates had every-time I entered room didn't go unnoticed by me. I grew my curls out and they are kinda medium length.

They don't touch my shoulders but they cover my face so they get the job done.

I rarely look in a mirror so my scar doesn't bother me anymore, I don't like it but I finally accepted it.

My dad is Italian and mama was a puerto rican afro latina women. I have more of my moms features, I got her skin color just a little bit lighter and her hair texture and her tall nose, I got my fathers green eyes and his height.

Dad is 6' and im 6'4, mama was 5'9, I still can't believe how she never was a model, she was such a beautiful women.

I remember going home after school and crying myself asleep wishing I could have done something to save her. Eventually I realized she was never coming back and there was nothing I could do, I still miss her a lot.

I like to think if she was still alive she would be proud of me, in my achievements, for sure not on my looks. My eyebrow piercing and my left and right nostril piercing and tattoos won't make her so happy.

Well she would accept them after a while because she would know they make me feel confident and happy.

Dad probably doesn't even know about all the piercings and tattoos I have.

I finally reached school after walking for 8 minutes, I have a motorcycle but I wanted to walk and prepare myself mentally for going on this shithole we call school. Expensive cars and spoiled teens filled the parking lot, I know I shouldn't judge based on looks but i'm just stating the obvious.

Closer by nine inch nails started blasting on my airpods as I entered the school doors ignoring the curious glances I was getting, maybe it was the fact that I wasn't wearing the school uniform properly or my piercing and tattoos, I don't know and quite honestly I don't give a fuck.

I'm wearing some black slacks and the school white button up shirt with the first buttons left unbuttoned showing my pearl and lock necklaces and my neck tattoo.

Making my way to the office to get my locker number and my schedule, group of students part their ways and stare at me, do this school don't get new kids often? because they're looking at me like i'm the most entertaining thing they have seen. After glaring at their stares I entered the office and make my way to the receptionist.

' I need my schedule' I spoke already wanting to get out of here and go to my house. 'please' I added not wanting to sound rude

'Name, dear?' the kind older women asked looking at me with a motherly smile, how much I missed those.

'Eziel, Eziel Leo Morreti' she typed in her computer and handed me some paper

'Ok honey there's your schedule and your locker code, I'm Miss Rosa if you ever need anything i'm here' I nodded in gratitude and gave her a small smile walking out the door and heading towards my locker. 

The halls looked more empty i'm guessing everyone started going to their classes. After putting the unnecessary books on my locker I walked towards my first class, english.

I'm already dreading this day, I wanna go home smoke a joint and blast music.