sometimes rain, sometimes rainbow - poetry collection

fear of regret

your faces are centimeters from each other,
and you know he wants to kiss you.
and when you ask yourself
what it is that you want to do
you're overwhelmed by your fear of regret.
you don't want to kiss him,
but you know you'll regret not kissing him,
you know you'll regret knowing that he's only around because he wants to kiss you,
and you'll regret feeling like that's all you're good for.

so you kiss him.
and you let him finger you.
and you let him fuck ur tits.
and you suck his dick.
and you'll let him fuck you.
fuck you dirty. fuck you hard.
fuck you till you cry.
fuck you till you bleed and you're less yourself.

you'll regret
and you'll regret
and you'll regret so hard you won't even know where you started to go wrong.

maybe it was in the car
maybe it was in the way you let yourself get drunk,
knowing you were invited for a quick fuck,
and you still let yourself be vulnerable anyways.
or maybe it was in the way you let him push your head until you gagged on his dick.

it was in the way you lost respect for yourself.
the way you consent for fear.
the way you hook up him knowing you'll go home and cut yourself.

you're so terrified of regretting not doing, that you'll accept being used.