Taking Back Control Of My Lfe

Chicago - Pat V

"Welcome back, Firefighter Buckley, how was Ireland?" Buck raised his gaze from his coffee cup to the pshyciatrist. "May I?" Dr. Charles pointed at the only other seat in the table.

"Yeah," Buck mumbled numbly, taking a small sip from his coffee. "Ireland was beautiful, a lot of green and had fun learning some steps of the irish dance. A lot more fun watching Jay and Will trying to learn, they both have two left feet."

"Yes, well, not everyone can dance," Daniel chuckled. "How are you?"

Buck stared at the doctor for a minute before releasing a dry chuckle. "Is it a psycatrist thing? You sounded just like my therapist right there," Buck shook his head. "I just had my last check up with Connor, who gave me a clean bill of health. I can go back to work tomorrow. I am more impatient than anything. But I don't think you were asking about my physical health."

"No, but I am glad you have recovered," Dr. Charles assured him. "Will told us that you had to testify last week. I am just wondering how that might have affected you."

"He got 25 to life, so I am pretty good," Buck answered, before sighing. "I am also... I do not know how to feel. I did not feel anything when I saw him there, I thought I might get angry... but I just wanted it all to be over with. Hell, I got more angry at Jay than at that bomber! I even punched him! And I do not condon violence!" Buck huffed in exasperation. "Does it make me a bad person that I do not want to know anything about him? The bomber I mean. I do not want to know about his past, what lead him to do what he did, to find some kind of justification to his actions. He did what he did... no matter what, it was wrong, and I cannot bring myself to care. It is not like he was forced or blackmailed."

"No, I do not believe you are wrong to feel whatever you feel," Daniel leaned back on his seat. "He caused your injury and the death of 10 firefighters, leaving broken families behind. And you being more angry at Detective Halstead comes from the fact that he is your friend, you boyfriend's brother, and you saw his silence as a betreyal of the bond you both share. I am surprised you still took him to Ireland."

"Will's family has been through enough already, I could not leave and let the guilt and betreyal to stew. So, I took him with us and had him swear to come to therapy sessions with me and Will, to rebuild our bonds." Buck answered with a sigh. "Also, he did try to warn me, even if I did not realize it then. He went against his supperiors, I can't hold it against him. Not when Jay kept giving me the patented Halstead kicked puppy look."

"Oh, those are good!" Daniel laughed. "I've seen Dr. Halstead use them on Dr. Rhodes and Sharon!"

"They are a weapon of mass destruction, I tell you," Buck chuckled. "I also punched Jay, which I will admit was more satisfying than it should have been. We are even now."

"So, what has you so deep in thought?" Dr. Charles inquired.

"I was thinking of having a tattoo," Buck admitted. "For a long time I saw my impulsiveness as a reaction to my parents' neglect, which in part it is. But it is much more than that, it became more than that. I held back too much of myself, in fear of allowing them, my parents, to win. I became too strict on myself."

"It seems that this accident was a wake-up call," Daniel commented.

"In part it was," Buck agreed. "But is my tattooing over my scar a way of giving up against the bomber and the trauma?"

"Not really," Dr. Charles, said after a minute of thoughtful silence. "People place tattoos over scars all the time, it is a way of taking control of a memory, of giving the memory a new meaning, a new purpose... a new life."

"I see," Buck mumbled thoughtfuly.

"What were you thinking of tattooing?" Daniel asked in curiosity.

"The symbol of Vulcan," Buck answered.

"The roman god of fire... fitting," Daniel commented.

"I thought so," Buck chuckled, looking up to find Will by the doors of the hospital's cafeteria. "It seems that someone's here to pick me up. See you later Dr. Charles and thank you for the talk."

"Thank you, Firefighter Buckley," Daniel smiled as the blond left.

Will greeted him with a smile and a small kiss. They linked hands and walked towards the parking lot.

"All good?" Buck asked his boyfriend.

"All my paperwork is done, I am back to work tomorrow, but now as an attending," Will answered, entering his car on the driver's seat. "You?"

"I need you to take me to a tattoo parole, I want to do some ink on me," Buck told him determinedly.

"Really? You'll look hot with a tattoo," Will mussed with a smirk.

"I always look hot, that's a given," Buck smirked in return. "Can we pass by Fire House 51? They called me while you were with Mrs. Goodwin. They have some kind of paperwork I need to check on."

"Of course," Will smiled knowingly.

"What?" Buck turned to his boyfriend suspiciously.

"What?" Will smirked in return.

"You know something, I know that look!" Buck accussed. "Spill it!"

"You'll need to wait until we get there," Will replied and kept quiet for the rest of the way, no matter how much Buck insisted.

When they got there, there were rows of chairs outside the Fire House. The Chief was there as well as the whole A shift, all dressed up in formal uniforms. The B shift was there, ready to go out at any moment, in case of a call, even though it was not their shift. There were also various family members, people Buck recognized from the funerals of those firefighters that had died because of the bomber.

April and Connor were also there, wearing a beautiful blue dress and an armani blue suit.

Buck turned to look at Will, who he had only just noticed was wearing a suit, and who was smiling in return. Jay came and opened Buck's door, he was also wearing his formal uniform.

"What is going on?" Buck asked stunned.

"Did you think that saving the whole squad and rescuing the chemical compound that aided on the fast capture of the bomber, not to mention it became key evidence, and you would not be awarded?" Kelly asked him amused, bringing him to a tight hug.

"Here," Casey stepped forward and handed Buck his formal uniform. "Change and come to recieve your Award of Valor."

Buck took the uniform with shaky hands and allowed Will to drag him inside the Fire House's changing rooms.

"W-hy are they all here? I get my teammates and Jay, but the kids, widows and parents of the fallen firefighters?" Buck stuttered, as he changed.

"Buck, you opened a foundation to aid the spouses and kids left behind by fallen firefighter," Will sighed exasperated. "You donated over half a million dollars to the foundation and contacted your rich friends, not only in the country but all around the world, to donate. Of course, they are here! So, will be the media!"

"I see..." Buck murmured. "But I just did what I could, what anyone else would do if they had my contacts and money."

"Buck... I won't get into a discussion with you about how not everyone would do the same," Will sighed, stepping towards him to wrap his arms around Buck's waist. "But it was still you, the one who did it. Not anyone else. They just want to show their support and gratefulness. Can you refuse that?"

"Not really," Buck sighed, pressing his forehead against Will's. "Am I really getting an Award of Valor?"

"It will be lived throughout the whole state... might even make it nationally, after all the coverage the case got," Will teased Buck with a small kiss on his lips.

"God, no!" Buck groaned, but he was laughing. "Do I deserve it? I was just doing my job."

"You do," Will assured him. "If it had been anyone else, would you be asking that question? Telling them that they do not deserve the award because they were just doing their jobs?"

"No, I would have not," Buck agreed, releasing Will and checking his image on the mirror. "How do I look?"

"Ravaging," Will purred. "Now come on! Even dad is here. Drinks are on him, he says."

"Sir, yes, sir," Buck joked, following his boyfriend outside, smiling at the cameras and everyone there.

God! He was getting an Award of Valor! Can you believe it?!