Floating at Night

12. The Beach

Present...

I let Ali talk me into going to the beach today. After my last trip to the beach I didn't necessarily want to go again. We were wearing matching neon bikinis and had a goofy beach hat atop both of our heads. We looked like tourists.
"You want to take a dip? I'm burning up," she shouted from the water. "I'm going to stick it out as long as I can before I flip." We'd been tanning all day. Trying our best to get as bronzed as possible. We hadn't been to the beach together in a long time. I laughed as she fell over in the water, a seagull flying right over her head. She splashed around for a second before she came back and laid on her towel beside me. "The water was so cool." She checked her phone for probably the millionth time today.
"Okay what's up? You keep checking your phone." I hadn't even brought mine down to the beach. There's only one other person who could be calling me and we're in a dry spell at the moment. Ever since that night at the pool hall he hasn't been coming over. He barely even talks to me. "Nothing. Just waiting on a reply from David," she answered. I could tell there was more to it but decided not to pry.
We went on like this for probably another hour. There weren't many people on the beach, but I kept my head on a swivel. I constantly checked my surroundings and looked extra hard at any guys with tattoos. "Hey!" We both looked up as a familiar voice shouted our way. "You made it!" Ali squealed as she hopped up. She ran and hugged David as another familiar figure stepped out from behind him.
Justin.
I walked slowly toward him, I'm not sure why he's even here. "Hi." He reached in, pulling me to his chest. His skin against mine was a much needed comfort. "I'm sorry. It weirded me out. Seeing you with Baker, I mean." His explanation was short, but I understood nonetheless. "I'm sorry I weirded you out." He grinned down at me. He leaned in and left soft, sweet kisses all over my face. "Ew. Can we cut out the PDA?" Ali fake gagged as she pulled me away from him. "Let's go back to Noelle's place after this," Ali shouted. I laughed as David hooted and hollered about going back to my place. "We can get wasted," I joked, laughing at Ali and Justin's serious faces. "It was a joke, you two!" I laughed, watching Ali stop holding her breath.
I didn't think I was that bad of a drunk.

Justin laughed at the movie on. It was some Adam Sandler movie, he had picked it out himself. Ali and David finished off the popcorn a while ago. We all just sat in silence watching the movie play. I leaned against Justin, my back against his chest. Ali did the same to David.
This is almost perfect.
Almost.

Justin didn't ask to sleep over tonight and I didn't ask why. Why make something out of nothing?

It was almost sunrise when my phone rang, I almost ignored it but I'm awake now anyways. I picked it up and saw David was calling, interesting.
"Hello?" I answered. "Is Ali not home? I've called her a few times and she hasn't answered." I rubbed my eyes, "She should be. David it's five in the morning, no wonder she didn't answer." I climbed out of bed and walked down the hall to find Ali passed out in her bed. "Just like I said, she's asleep." I yawned as I climbed back into my own bed, pulling the comforter over my head. "Okay. Just making sure she was alright. I get worried." Awe. "Okay. Bye now, David." I hung up as he was saying goodbye and threw my phone on the other side of the bed. Now if only I could go back to sleep.
The sun was peeking over the canal as I let my feet rest in the sandy shore. It casted a glowing light across the waters rippling surface. It was calm. I had almost forgotten how beautiful the sunrises could be here in Lincoln. Especially over the water.
"Mind if I join you?" I glanced over my shoulder, surprised to see Baker's broad figure standing behind me. "Sure. It's a free canal." He let out a chuckle. He sat close to me, but not too close.
"How are you settling back in? This town hasn't changed much in the past few years." He thought for a moment before answering. "It's not what it once was." I have a feeling there's a deeper meaning to his words but I don't dig. Maybe I don't want to know his deeper meaning. Maybe I don't need to know.
"How so?" I asked. I hate myself. "You." I nodded. I know I shouldn't say anything else at this point. We're bordering on a topic that brings out the ugly in me and I don't want to think about it. But I speak again anyways, as if I've never learned my lesson. "How have I changed?" His eyes met mine and for a second he looked almost hopeful. "You've grown. You've adapted..." he closed his mouth tightly before continuing, "You're so fucking sexy, all I want to do is lay you down right here. Right now. And make love to you like I used to."
My mouth hung open. I'm used to hearing things like this. I'm used to being hit on, hell even straight out propositioned, but not from Baker. I can't deny the little butterflies floating through my stomach and into my chest as he leans in just a few inches closer.
"Would you let me, babydoll?" I could feel hit hot breath fanning over my face. I could feel myself leaning toward him. I could almost taste his lips.
But an image of Justin flashed through my mind. The pain I know I'd cause him if I let this happen, I could imagine his face. "No." I leaned back swiftly, scooting a foot away from him. He stayed still, his gaze unwavering.
"I can't move on," he whispered. "You have to." I told him. He looked down now, "I don't want to."

I held myself accountable to my feelings most of the time. I don't let them run wild because that is the key to failure.
I don't let boys who broke my heart almost kiss me.

I don't let them creep inside my mind and control every thought I have for the next three days.

And I sure as hell don't lay in bed at night imagining the feel of their body pressed against mine.

Who the hell am I?