After Eleven: Liv & Callum

Chapter 7: Liv

Liv

When I hear the door unlock at 6:15 on Monday, I assume that Andrea is popping over to drop off something that Annie or I left at her house. When I instead hear the sounds of Callum and Annie greeting each other, I turn around in time to view the truly touching sight of my daughter greeting her father.

Callum was over the moon when he found out that he was going to be a "girl dad". I expected him to be excited about our baby but it seems like Annie being a girl put Callum over the edge into the obsessed category. He's the one who started buying all of the gender equality night time books and he would correct anyone who made overtly sexist comments about her. No one would get away with implying that Annie would be anything except strong and kind and whatever else she wanted to be.

Annie feels the same way about her father and I know that she's been missing him. I can see that him coming home on time is a step in the right direction, but Callum has a lot of work to do until I'm ready to move past these last few months.

I spent a lot of time talking this out with Andrea and then writing out all of my feelings about our relationship. Our marriage has been put under external pressure in the last few months and it has revealed that Cal and I aren't as in-sync as I previously assumed that we were.

There's the obvious issue of most of the house and child care being thrust onto me, but in hearing his justification it also seems like we aren't aligning on what we think our material needs are. Cal kept coming back to how much this would improve our financial standing and how I wouldn't have to work or we could upgrade the house, but I would trade a beach house for a solid marriage in a second.

We have a few long and probably uncomfortable conversations in front of us, but I'm still feeling too hurt to have them constructively. I refuse to fight with Cal just for the sake of my anger. That isn't the marriage that we have, and that's not the person that I am.

All the same, I feel so much comfort in Cal being home at a more regular time. Annie does a fantastic job of filling my time, but when she goes to bed I just feel so lonely without my husband. I clean the house, check in on Annie, and then I end up just roaming around the house trying to find something to do. I usually workout in the morning and my body is exhausted by the evening, but my mind isn't quite ready to go down yet.

Cal and I used to fill that time doing all of the mundane tasks that are required when you're adults and parents. Dishes, laundry, and toy repair were just so much easier when I wasn't doing it alone. We would make it a game or share flirty glances and playful touches. But lately I drag my feet on all of it and the tasks that used to make me feel like I'm part of a team make me feel like a single parent.

Annie pulls Cal over to her toy bin, but he asks her to pick out a toy while he says hi to me. I'm brought nearly to tears when he gathers me to him, tucking his head into my shoulder and just letting me feel how solid he is. My arms hang by my slides for a moment until my brain kicks in, and I bring my hands up to his shoulders and hold him impossibly harder to me.

We may not be on solid ground right now, but I know this man. I know his mind, his body, and his spirit. My eyes start to burn with the rush of emotion from this moment of reconnection. Neither one of us says anything and we stay locked like that until little hands start slapping at our legs.

I let loose a laugh and a sob all at once when Cal brings Annie into his arms and resumes the hug, although much more light-hearted than our charged embrace of a moment ago. Eventually I turn around to finish dinner and we have the most regular, boring evening together that shows me we'll move in the right direction as long as we're moving together.