After Eleven: Liv & Callum

Chapter 13

Callum

The weeks following are a confusing mix of poignant, mundane, devastating, humiliating, and dissociating. Liv kept her word, and if I try to speak to her without her speaking to me first then she just walks out of the room. I tried to speak to her once, and she didn't so much as make eye contact with me before calmly striding out of the room. I didn't try again.

I took two days off when I got home, citing the trip and the stress leading up to it. In that time I ignored three calls from Emily to my work phone before I just powered it off. During those first few days, I watched Annie and Liv go about their lives, bearing witness to the routines and traditions that they've built without me. I don't know the oatmeal song that they've created, or the bathroom dance.

Watching my wife and daughter interact makes me feel like I'm watching a choreographed show; they move around and with each other unconsciously and I soak up the sight of them while I can. Annie knows exactly where Liv likes to kiss the top of her head and will present that spot for kisses when she can sense that Liv is going to lean down. Liv knows exactly what Annie's babble means, even though I can barely distinguish it as English. Everything about them presents a unit, a well-oiled machine. Meanwhile I'm just a man in the corner of the room, tagging along as they go about their day.

Seeing the confusion on Annie's face when I was home that first morning was simultaneously sweet and gut wrenching. Has my presence become such a novelty? I always felt like an incredible father because Annie would cling to me when I got home, but the more that I'm around the more that the novelty of "Dad" wears off. It becomes clear that her mother is the one Annie trusts to fulfill her needs. I'm good for a story or bath time, but not for the tears or the anger or the bruised knees. That all goes to Liv, the parent that Annie knows she can truly count on.

Liv is incredible at involving me with Annie, but I can see how much she wishes that she didn't have to. How she flinches when our hands accidentally brush each other's, how she'll take any opportunity to move away from me under the guise of giving Annie and I time together. But my wife is like the sun, and we are her moons. Annie seeks her out eventually, though I no longer have that right.

The first day that I'm home, after waking up in the guest room and feeling the weight of my actions upon me, I make a few swift decisions. I'll go in person to hand in my resignation, because I owe my boss that, at least. I'll hope that I've earned a good recommendation, because I'll probably be paying child support and alimony and I don't want Liv worrying about money.

I don't know that it'll make a difference for mine and Liv's marriage, but I can't ever let myself get to the place where I was before, ignoring my wife and the friends I trust, isolating myself and justifying that I was doing it all for them. I wasn't. I wanted that status of a promotion, I wanted the money and the security that would come with this deal. I wanted the ego boost of being admired. I wanted it all so bad that I blew up the rest of my life.

My next step is getting into therapy. Liv deserved for me to have done it a while ago, but I can at least do it now. She may be done with me but I make up my mind to become someone that she could love again. I hope that I can convince her to give me another chance in the future, but more than that, a man that Liv could love is a good man. I want to be that; for my wife, my child, my family, myself. I so desperately want to be good, to make the right decisions but I'm fucking up all the time. I find someone pretty quickly, and get the first available appointment I can.

Liv goes out the second day, after asking me if I could stay with Annie. I hate that she even has to ask, but I admit that I need her to give me a rundown of Annie's schedule. Have I been much more than a glorified babysitter to my own child? Surely a parent should be able to leave their child with the other parent and not have to tell them what to do. Yet again, it's a slap in the face for me to realize the toll that I have forced upon my wife.