Wish We Never Started

17

It's never easy to tell if a girl likes you.

But the way Amelia flung herself at me, jumping up and wrapping herself around my body like a koala, made it crystal clear.

You'd think we were separated for months, like I was drafted into the war and finally arriving home—but it was only a week we've been apart.

We're outside my apartment complex and the air is dry and cold, a whipping wind starting to blow in the darkness.

"Okay, can we please go inside now, it's really cold," Amelia says with her head buried in the crook of my neck. With some hesitation, she unwraps herself from my torso and takes my hand with both of hers.

"Why did you make me come out here?" I ask her sarcastically as a giant gust of wind overcomes us.

She begins leading us to the side entrance of my apartment complex, and it feels like we're trying to deliver a Krusty Krab pizza.

"So I could see you sooner," she flashes a smile while I hold the door open for her.

The heat from inside and cold air from outside mix for just a moment, but soon enough relief from this Chicago winter surrounds me like a blanket when the door shuts behind me.

"That's so cheesy," I joke again, watching her pair her smile with an eye roll. So far, we've picked right back up from where we left off.

We get on the elevator and make it to my floor. Once in front of my door, she stops me from putting the key in the lock.

"What is it?" I ask her with concern as her freshly manicured nails grip my hand. At least I didn't have to pay for them, I think to myself.

"I was kind of hoping," she takes her hand away, my eyes following, "we could maybe have sex tonight?"

My initial response is to say what the fuck?, but I hold those words in my throat and let her response sink in for a moment.

This isn't the answer she wanted.

My face must have given it away, because now her eyes are beginning to fill up with tears.

"No, no –" I pull her into my chest and wrap my arms around her tightly, "you just really caught me off guard."

She starts to cry quietly, wiping her face with her sleeve.

"I feel so stupid now. I really just shouldn't have said anything."

Her voice wavers as she covers her face.

Regardless of if she said anything or not, the fact this is something she wants to happen so badly has me a little concerned.

"Let's just go inside and I will cook us dinner, okay?" I quietly say, kissing the top of her head.

She backs up and looks at me with bloodshot eyes and a defeated face glistening with salty tears.

"I'm never going to be good enough."

Where the hell is this coming from?

"Yes you are," I say as convincingly as possible, because it's true and I want her to believe me.

She starts crying again, her voice cracking, "I just watched my brother's relationship for a week straight. He is so happy with his girlfriend. They're always together, always smiling and kissing and in love. I just fucking want that. I like you so much and I want to see if we can get there, but you won't even have sex with me and when I tried it didn't work."

As she speaks, I bite my tongue so hard I think there might be a permanent hole. Maybe I missed the part of this relationship that revolved around sex?

"I never said I wouldn't have sex with you. It just hasn't happened yet and that's okay. We don't need to plan it or schedule it, right? Why is it such a big deal?" I level with her, quickly adding, "this relationship is so new. We do other things so what makes you think we will never have sex?"

She crosses her arms and lets out one more pathetic-sounding sob followed by a sniffle.

I lean back against my apartment door, staring at Amelia. What did I get myself into? I should have learned from Diego's messy situation-ship.

The only other thought that's swirling around in my head is the fact that a girl wants to have sex with me and not the other way around.

"Can I please cook you dinner?"

The words just come out as I'm fishing my key from my pocket, but immediately they don't sit right and I wish I never asked a second time.

While I'm unlocking the door, I wait for an answer, but don't hear one.

"Gabriel, I'm just going to go home," she mutters with a voice that's both hoarse and exhausted.

This might be the end, I think.

"Really?" I push the door open and turn to face her now, a pit dropping in my stomach at her words.

Amelia nods and wipes her eyes with her sleeve again.

"Is this it? Like we didn't even give this relationship a fair shot," I solemnly argue while leaning against the door frame.

"I'm sorry, we just want different things maybe," she mutters again, a glimmer of sadness encompassing her eyes as she speaks.

"Okay," I say like it's a surrender, "I'll walk you back out?" I close the door halfway so I can join her back into the cold, but Amelia shakes her head, sticking her hand out to stop me.

"No. I'm fine, Gabriel. I guess I'll see you around, because, well, you know," she says bleakly before turning to leave down the hallway.

I go inside my apartment and close the door, leaning back against it. A loud sigh escapes my lips, guilt filling my stomach. The better part of me wants to run after her, to chase her down before she leaves, to profess my undying love to her and tell her everything will be okay.

But I can't do that. She deserves so much better than me.

I pull out my phone and text Diego instead.

Amelia broke it off with me because we didn't have sex yet. IT HAS BEEN ONE MONTH AND SHE ALWAYS SAID SHE WASNT READY. Tell me how it makes sense. I'm done with women

I lock my phone immediately after hitting send and put it on the kitchen counter so I can take a shower and forget about everything that happened.

When I'm finished, Diego has texted me back – not once, but five times.

Surprised, I unlock my phone and let my eyes scan his messages quickly, a sharp jolt slicing through me when I realize what he's saying.

I'm sorry man, that sucks. But I warned you!! Let me take you on a date and then you can really decide if you're done with women or not ;)

Btw, you'll never guess who is in the shop today.

I wish I didn't have to tell you right now but it's the right thing and I can't keep secrets... you know that bro

Sofia. She asked about you, told Shannon all about how much she missed you and wanted to see you again. She even came to me and tried to pull updates out of me but I told her nothing

Shannon's face was fucking priceless. I let it go on for 30 minutes lol

I swallow hard and read the messages one more time, dropping my phone back on the counter with the texts still open.

I rub my temples and try to shake the headache that's forming.

If there was ever a day I could get a re-do on, it would be today.