Shuichi's POV:
Kokichi was so pissed off at me and I don't know why. He's never like this towards me. Kokichi always says it's okay. I'm not used to this feeling. I'm mad, yet I can understand where he's coming from. Why do I feel this way? I shouldn't understand. I should be mad. I should be infuriated. Kokichi needs me. How can you be mad at someone you need?
"Shuichi, tone it the fuck down on him. He's nothing but good to you," Miu comes up to me, her hands on her hips. This girl's tone is something else. She has this perky, rude tone that can either make you smile, or pissed off.
"You cannot be serious. He told me to fuck off! That was rude!" I reason with Miu. She shakes her head at me, gritting her teeth.
"Listen, prick, you can't just expect a sorry to fix everything because it can't. He's pissed. Let him be pissed," Miu retorts, arguing with me. I don't know why, but I'm not compelled to refute. I don't want to argue with her. I want to say she's right. This is fucking with me. He is fucking with me. I don't know what's happening. It's so agrivating, I could just explode. It's like the fight is draining from me.
"Fuck you, Iruma," I reply before plodding out of the cafeteria. I'm not in the mood to deal with anything right now. I feel a weird feeling of sadness, almost grief. I don't want Kokichi to hate me. I hurt him, but I don't think he should hate me. He never hated me. Then again I guess I never fucked up this bad. What is this feeling? Is this... guilt? Whatever it is, I don't like it. It's a horrible emotion that I despise. My stomach feels funny and my heart is palpating. I'm stressed and my head feels heavy. Whoever made grief should die.
I continue through the day, ignoring the pit in my stomach as Kokichi rests in his dorm. I've been sitting in the corner of his room for the past hour, watching him sleep. I can't get my mind of his teary eyes in the cafeteria this morning. He looked so betrayed. I really fucked up. I let my emotions and obsessions get the best of me. I don't like what I did, but I can't change it now.
Kokichi shifts in his sleep before his crusted purple eyes open. He makes direct eye contact with me, his eyes widening before rolling to the back of his head. "Get out," He states, his tone irritated.
I stand up from my chair and sit on the foot of his bed. "I know you're upset with me..." These words burn my throat as they pour out. I hate this. I hate guilt, remorse, sadness, it's such a nuisance. "But I really am sorry. I feel guilty, and really sorry. I just don't know how to make this better and fix it. I was selfish and I didn't go about this the right way. Please don't hate me anymore."
Kokichi sits up in his bed, his expression soft and stoned. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know if I want to know what he's thinking. It's probably something bad about me. The pit in my stomach continues to grow as Kokichi pulls himself away from me.
"I'm scared of you. I am terrified of you, Shuichi. I'm scared of this killing game, sure, but you protect me from that. What you bring to the table scares me more than the killing game," Kokichi begins explaining. He looks down as he pieces together the right words to say. "You bring haunting memories. You bring a past that comes back to hunt and kill me a hundred times over."
I look down, understanding what he means. I do bring back his memories... I torture him. I bring all of these traumatizing events back to light that terrorized his sleep for months. It's like he's reliving it over and over again, and that's my fault.
"I'm sorry, what can I do to fix it?" I ask, my heart weighing heavily in my body.
"Stay away from me, Shuichi. You're hurting me by being close to me," Kokichi says gently. He goes to reach for my hand, but pulls it away, reluctantly. "It's just not good for me. You aren't good for me in here. Out there? I may use you as an eternal crutch. In here though, you're breaking me. You are creating a harder environment for me. It's giving me an unfair disadvantage."
"What if I exchange your memories for mine? What if I forget again? Yeah! That works! Monoku-!" I start to yell Monokuma's name, but Kokichi covers my mouth.
"No. Your memories are valuable, Shuichi. I will not let you give them up," Kokichi replies. I sigh and look down in my lap. I don't know what to do.
"How can I fix this? I don't care anymore if I can't have the old Kokichi. I just want Kokichi Ouma. I want you. Please, I swear on my last breath that I'll love and protect you against anyone and anything," I plead. Kokichi's eyes glisten as he looks away from me.
"You should go..." He says quietly, his voice trailing off.
The feeling of hurt that had my body aching all day intensifies. My heart races as my throat is strangled shut. This is an unfamiliar feeling. I've never this before. I hurt everywhere. I want to vomit. My head is about to explode and my eyes burn with tears.
"Please, Kokichi," I whisper in a pathetic attempt to beg for him back.
"Mind over heart, Shuichi," Kokichi's response is simple and true. In a killing game, you can't rely on others, you have to prioritize yourself above everyone else. Only, I didn't do that. I prioritized him. This is my thanks? Leaving me? Rendering me useless?
"You'll regret this, you know that?" I ask, my grief being consumed by anger.
"Yes, I do," Kokichi lets a tear escape his eye as he kisses my cheek. My anger is flushed away by love and sadness.
Impulsively, I grab Kokichi by the back of the head and draw him in for one last kiss. He surprisingly kisses me back, pushing against my body, moving into my lap. His lips are so soft and tastes so sweet. I continue to kiss him, my face growing redder by the second. Kokichi's hot tears fall against my cheeks as my heart still pounds against my ribcage. Our lips continue to dance until Kokichi pulls away because like hell am I going to be the first to pull away.
We gaze at each other for a few moments before ultimately breaking apart. I start towards the door giving Kokichi one last lingering glance before closing the door quietly. And for the first time I understand what this is. This is heartbreak.
YOU ARE READING
ꕥMemory Motiveꕥ
Fanfiction!ON HIATUS! Monokuma decided it was time for a new motive after Kaede's death. He decided to give one person back their pregame memories. When Shuichi is brought in to get his pregame memories, nobody expected his personality to change so drasticall...
