Here Comes The Sun

Chapter Eight

I refuse to talk to Toby on the drive to his school. It's petty and immature and not something I, as his guardian, should be doing but I do it anyway. He tries to get me to talk for a solid two minutes before turning on his music and we take the rest of the drive in silence.
When we reach his school he mumbles a goodbye under his breath before he tries to open the door but I hit the locks real quick. He turns back confused, I don't want him to leave the car thinking I am mad at him.
"I am not a fan of the way you spoke this morning but even as much as you annoy me I love you." He shifts his eyes down, not meeting mine as he mumbles out his own I love you before fleeing into the school.
I waited till he was inside before leaving, I was now up and out for the day and had a list of things I needed to do. One being finally returning my manager's calls and letting him know I wouldn't be going out for the olympics next year. I needed to start intensive training months ago if I was going to and even though he is still positive I would make it without that training I can't.
I have too much going on with Toby and myself to even try and prepare, 2028 will be my next year to compete. I will then and I will win, it'll make up for the ache I feel knowing I won't be there with my teammates.
It hadn't even been a thought that I would no longer be able to compete until a few weeks ago when my manager started getting more aggressive on the messages and voicemails he was sending.
I haven't done anything in months, not an interview, a sponsorship, competition, or appearance. I dropped off the face of the earth until my post the other night. Rebecca had texted me a thank you that morning as my instagram feed was filled with people asking how I was and glad to see I wasn't dead.
I knew she wanted me to make a statement, let everyone know why I have just been gone. I was already trying to handle this town seeing me as an angel sent down from the heavens when all I did was honor the wish of my best friend.
He wanted me to raise Toby and so I would, even if I still felt completely clueless and lost every moment of every day.
I didn't even have younger siblings or cousins to help prepare me. One moment I was getting drunk on a beach almost every night with friends and strangers and then suddenly I'm the equivalent of a single mom.
Why did Lucas even think this was a good idea? He has his parents who love this boy more than life and his sister who is literally a school teacher. Two options much better for a child who needs structure then me. I love him like my own, always have, but I am not what he needs as much as I try to pretend to be.
I am going to fuck him up and he doesn't deserve that.
I didn't even have a good example myself, my parents are the long list of ways not to raise a child. Still Lucas for some fucking reason said hey, lets let this broken girl take on the responsibility of a life time.
I found myself outside Veronica's apartment. She was a party princess so her schedule was very come and go. We could track each other, since we had a habit of walking off after one too many, and I knew she was home right now.
I walked up two flights of stairs and started banging on her door while looking down at the new doormat she got. It just said go away, it fit her.
"Fuck off!" She yelled through the thin door.
"Let me in, I need to cry to you about how I am a failure and also I think I am falling in love with the firefighter!" I shout back at her and hope to any god listening that no one else heard that last part.
The door opens seconds later and Ron in only a tanktop and a pair of skimpy underwear opens the door. "You said what now?" She pulls me into the apartment, slamming and locking the door behind her.
"Okay well I don't think i am falling in love but he is definitely going to get me to that point if he continues being so perfect. We can ignore his amazing personality and just talk physically, you've seen that man. He looks like he could break me in half and I really want him to try. Also I am just so horny because Toby is so Toby that I haven't had any real opportunities to go get laid because of him besides the other night when Mr. Perfect decided to sweep me off my feet and be a gentleman and not try to fuck me. Like what is that? Why is it when I want a man to fuck me he has to be so sweet and nice and give me a kiss on the forehead before sending me away to get tucked into bed? I just wanted a dick inside me, not to be treated like a fucking princess!" She stares at me after my tangent, her mouth gaped open.
I don't give her a chance to respond before continuing on.
"Also I think I am screwing Toby up, I know he is going to therapy to handle the grief but he still hasn't mentioned his dad in months. He hasn't gone to the fire station just as long and he loves the fire station and weirdly Seth too, which I should be a lot more concerned about if that is the man he is looking up too. It might explain why this morning he asked me in front of Archer if he spent the night. Which he didn't to be clear before you ask, but what if he had? He then told me still in front of him that he wasn't going to call him dad, was that supposed to be a joke? Because let me tell you I did not find it funny. How does one raise a teenager, how am I supposed to raise a teenager? I know i've been doing it for months now but before this whole ignoring his dad existing phase he was just sad and quiet and it was heartbreaking to watch but it was easier to handle then this version of him. I think he has been skipping school too and the other day I figured out he somehow managed to get my phone and block the school's phone number, who knows how many times they've tried to call about him?" I am practically panting at the end of my speech.
"Let me get you some coffee or maybe whiskey." Veronica mutters as she walks into her kitchen.
"Do you have any hardcore drugs? At this point it might be the only thing that will help."
She grabs the bottle of whiskey from her counter and two cups.
"That or a certain firefighters dick apparently." I start laughing and I can't find a way to stop at the comment, at some point it turns into sobs that shake my entire body.
"Oh baby girl." Ron hushes me as she wraps her arms around me. She only calls me that when I am breaking down, it weirdly helps calm me. Lucas used to call me it too, it was their nickname for me since I am younger than both of them.

One day I am going to become older than him.

Another sob shakes my body as she just holds me and moves us gently back and forth, she'd be a good mom. She'd do a better job than me and the horrible job I am doing.
"No one knows what they are doing in raising a child. No one gets a magical hand book to tell them what to do and how to react, you have to figure out what works best for you and him. You are doing great with what you have been given and I have no doubt that you are going to raise him into an amazing man." My crying slows and i pull away only to grab the bottle of whiskey from her and take a way too big, way too long, drink from it.
"So I guess you will be staying over for a while." I nod and take another drink before handing her the container.
"If you wouldn't mind."
"Not at all, now come on and tell me more about the firefighter." Taking me to her couch, I do just that for the next hour.