A Path To Understanding

Chapter 4

Ivy's pov

I'm scrolling through my Instagram when Xaiver accepts my friend request.

I smile and want to send a hi but feel like it's so soon, and he might be on his way to home right now, as I was the only student who came home early today. So I just scroll through my reels.

One reel catches my eye and it's a man doing Katthak, a type of classical dance from India which is practiced in Nepal too. It's very rare for men, espcially a Nepali, to even practice, let alone post on social media, about katthak, which is seem as feminine. So it warms my heart as the man is smiling as he dances on a classical song.

I try to double tap the picture but I open the comment section instead and catch a glimpse  of some of the comments before hurriedly turning off.

He is not a man, he is just gay, one comment says.

The whole Nepali men disown you lol, another comment says.

I close the Instagram.

And tears start to form in my eyes.

I've always wondered if I wasn't straight. I thought I always liked men, hell, that was what was considered normal where I grew up, but when my friends, who were mostly older than me, talked about LGBTQ+, even though they made a joke about it, it made me think, maybe it was me.

So I thought I liked girls instead but that didn't feel right after I forced myself to like them and still couldn't. 

Then I was lost. I thought I couldn't fall in love. What? that's not true, my mind seemed to logic with me. Maybe you think that cause you know no one that likes you.

That all changed when I heard from one of the friends that one guy at my class liked me.

"Ivy? Do you know Max likes you? He's such a sweet guy, please consider him," they said.

And I couldn't bring myself to like him romantically.

And if people from my country couldn't even accept that people can both be feminine and masculine, even if it doesn't align with their gender, or even accept gay or lesbian people, what would they think if they found out I couldn't fall in love?

Heck, leave them, what would my parents say?

My parents were very worried about my older brother, as he was old enough to marry but never had a girlfriend, I didn't want to give them more reasons to worry about me.

............

I had only one brother, and though we weren't very close, I shared some of my secrets with him. Or he knew, as we lived together. And I had to get this topic off my chest, so I decided to tell him briefly about it. Heck, he was the only one who knew me since birth.

So when he came home from work, I called him once he freshened up.

While he put on his hoodie, he says, "What did you want to talk about?"

"I can't seem to fall in love," I say to him instantly, not knowing where to start.

At this, he just laughs.

"What?" I ask.

"You're 18, I'm 28 and I haven't properly fallen in love. Sure, I had crushes, but that doesn't mean I'll never fall in love," he says. "You'll find someone, don't worry; don't you want a  family of your own, what're you saying?"

 I don't say anything. I somehow expected the worst, and that happened. 

"Don't worry about it. You'll find a nice guy who'll make you forget you even thought about something like this."

I wish, I think.

Once he's gone, I turn on my phone and start reading a romance webcomic, and it's a yuri webcomic and when the two girls are completely in love with each other, I groan.

Then I start watching jujutsu kaisen, because I don't want to think about romance. Oh whatever,  if I'll fall in love I will, and if not, then that's fine too. I won't let it affect me, or make me sad, I think as I'm watching yuji, megumi, and nobara's friendship in the anime, then I realize what happens to Nobara in the infamous shibuya arc, so I turn that off too.

Then I start rewatching avatar the last airbender; I'm in book three where Zuko has started becoming friends with the main gaang, and as I watch a few episodes, I can't help but feel good finally. Yes, I want a good platonic friendship group who accepts me for who I am, I can't help but feel deep inside, I don't want relationships, I don't give a fuck about boys. Or anyone, literally. Well, at least in a romantic sense. I'm okay with friendships for now. 

Even better than romance.