A Path To Understanding

Chapter 5

note at the end.

Ivy's pov

I'm panting because of the stacks of books in my hand. Our electronics teacher told me to carry the whole class' assignment back to class, and now I'm supposed to climb all the way to my class, which is on the top floor.

I'm at the second floor, when I see Xavier come out from a class. He immediately notices me and walks towards me.

"My god, what are you carrying here?"

"Our electronics assignment. And now I hate this college cause of how tall the building is," I say and he laughs.

"Here, let me carry some for you," he says and takes some of the books I'm carrying.

I smile. "Thank you." He nods at me.

From what I know about him, he is admired by almost everyone in our class. Sure, his grades are average, but he is so distinctively kind from others, that almost everyone, good or bad, admire him. 

We enter the classroom and put the books at the first bench which is always empty. Xavier goes to his bench and sits down, pulling out his phone and scrolling through something. Then he briefly looks at Christopher and for the first time I see his face become gloomy, which makes me wonder if I'd ever seen him this sad or just didn't notice it.

...........

Xavier's pov

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me.

Not because I'm sad, or to comfort, just.....because.

I mean, the thought of someone liking me and trying to go past hugging me to kissing me makes me uncomfortable, but that's only because I cannot reciprocate their feelings. If it's a friend hugging me, I don't mind. 

That's what I'm exactly thinking when I see Christopher hugging Nick.

It's weird, I would have hugged him when nothing wrong I thought was happening, but I just....don't care now.

Or rather, I don't want to.

Tears start to form in my eyes. I talked to Nick after so long, but now I realize I was just lying to myself when I said I wanted to talk to him. I don't want to go anywhere near Christopher, or his best friend. Maybe that's what I should do right now.

That is the moment when I feel so alone. Sort of lonely, even. I mean, I've got amazing parents and a great therapist who always gave me good advice whenever I talked to him, so I shouldn't feel this way. But I can't help it. I'm hiding a big part of me, me being aroace and living with depression, whenever I enter the college. However somehow I don't even care about that. Maybe I'm lonely, or I'm not, but what hurts me the most is that Christopher clearly doesn't care if I'm not present in his life. The way he stopped looking at me now and just enjoying talking to his friends while not even bothering to make an effort to talk to me, it's just makes me wonder if  I make a difference in people's lives.

..............

note:

to all the people living with depression or anxiety or any kind of disabilities, I get you and that's why I'm writing this: to know you are not alone. And you don't deserve someone like christopher if you've experienced this kind of behaviour, also it's my first time writing aroace characters, you're not alone too. I mean, so you don't fall in love, big deal, lol, it's not like it's anyone's business and there are definitely more people who feel and relate to you. that's all! also, after a depressive ch i will give you a wholesome one lol