Laila

Chapter 32

Watching Farid sleep in my lap was the most comforting feeling that I have ever felt, the entire night, I stroked his hair and saw how he smiled in his sleep. I knew he was happy to see me but then why did he tell me to leave. 

It was almost 9:30 in the morning, I really needed to eat something, so I moved my hands from his hands and shifted his head on the pillow. I was busy making breakfast when I heard Farid coming inside the kitchen.

'Farid, do you need something? You should go back to bed...I'll bring you food, just give me five minutes' I walked towards him and grabbed his elbow because he still looked very ill.

'I thought you left' He glared at me.

'I was just out here making some breakfast' I knew he didn't want to go inside his room so I grabbed a chair and made him sit.

I was about to leave and when Farid grabbed my hand.

'I am sorry' He said.

I looked at him with a puzzled look. Was he okay?

'Do you see that fire' He pointed towards the fireplace in the living room and I nodded.

'Fire has two sides Laila, it provides warmth during the brutal colder months ...but if it catches grease or piece of clothing it can cause a lot of damage... but that's what makes fire what it is ....isn't?' He looked up at me and pulled me towards him. I was practically sitting on his lap.

'I am like that too Laila, I am like Fire...that's why its hard for you to figure me out huh?' He tangled his fingers with mine and held them tightly. I was so intimidated by him that I couldn't get myself to look at him so I fixed my stare on the floor.

'From now on I am not going to cause you any more damage Laila' As soon as these words came out from his mouth, I couldn't help but to look at him.

'I am not going to let that screwed up side of me come near you ever again...I am really sorry, whatever I said that night about me not being able to breathe without you... I shouldn't have said that to you. You already have a lot going on and I don't want to cause any more problems in your life. Whatever I feel about you, that will always stay with me, maybe you'll even interpret something from my actions but I will never say anything like that to you ever again...I am deeply sorry' 

'I...'I couldn't get myself to speak instead I started crying.

Farid brought his hands to my face and made me look at him again.

We were few inches apart and his eyes landed on my lips. I was about to give in and let him take control of me again but just in time I caught my feeling and pushed his hands away from my face and ran inside my room.

How easy did he think all of this was? 

I laid down on my bed and tried calming down my pulse. I knew Farid was in my room when I heard his footsteps, I kept my eyes closed and turned my back to him so he doesn't see me crying anymore.

'Look at me Laila' He demanded from across the room but I didn't move. 

'I said look at me' His voice got louder and I clenched my hands. He was driving me crazy. Farid grabbed my arm and yanked me up.

'Laila Ibrahim, for the last three months since we have been together, I have yelled at you countless times but you have always fought back, and today I apologized to you and you are crying. When I told you to go, why did you come back? Why did you stay awake the entire night for me? What changed huh? What is this between us...tell me' 

'You are right Farid, fire is capable of giving warmth and causing damage. I fooled myself into thinking that you might be more than what you lead on...forget it, you won't understand' 

'I want to understand Laila, make me understand...believe me when I say this... I hate this feeling, I feel helpless...I have never lost my control over someone before but I can't keep it still when I am around you, so make me understand damn it' Farid grabbed my shoulders.

'I don't trust you Farid...' I yelled at him.

'One minute you tell me you need me and the next minute you tell me to leave. You are filled with anger and hate Farid and no matter how much I try I can't get you to see yourself from my eyes. You don't let anyone in your life Farid and I am sick and tired of trying to prove my worth to you. I don't know which is the real you, which Farid should I believe...should I trust the person who told me to leave his life or the one who said he needed me or the one who apologized to me five minutes ago' I glared at him and he removed his hands from me.

'You know what your problem is Farid, even you don't know which one is the real you. You want me to forgive you right? Based on what? Should I forgive you based on your hate or your anger? Please forgive me, Farid, I have seen a lot in my life and I don't have much fight left in me for your mind games...you are going to forget everything tomorrow but I will always remember this. No matter where my life goes, I will always remember you... and I will always pray for you but don't expect me to trust you or forgive you because I can't rely on a person who doesn't even know what he wants from his life' For a while Farid and I just looked at each other. We stayed in silence and read all the missing words that we never said to each other. I knew Farid wasn't a bad person, but he was a man who was capable of messing up my entire life.

Today for the first time, we sopke our truth. Now we were on the same page. 

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