Little Tastes of Red Mire

(2) Saving Nila: Breathe Me

Nila
Nighttime only seemed to make my paranoia and fears worse. I didn't leave the house unless one of my dad's accompanied me and no matter what, I didn't leave Cammie unattended. It was likely unhealthy for her to be in my arms and coddled as much as she was, but I couldn't help it. I had this niggling voice in the back of my mind that she would get taken from me -- that they would come find me to make sure I hadn't said anything and see her and steal her. I never let her leave the cradle of my arms when we were out in public and sometimes that extended to the private comfort of my family's home. Aunt Cassie had yet to hold my daughter, but she never pushed -- unlike her eldest son who would take my baby girl and run off, of course I knew my daughter was safe from harm with anyone in the family, especially Walker, it didn't ease my discomfort. I still watched him like a hawk, scurrying around trying to find him when he disappeared from my line of sight. It was nerve wracking and heartbreaking all in one. What did it mean if I couldn't trust my family with my child?

Sometimes I wondered if I would ever get better, if I would wake up one day and be alright -- I had a small hope, but I didn't think it was going to happen. Daddy always talked about getting me in to see a therapist, but if I wasn't going to talk to my own dad, why would I discuss this with a stranger? I didn't think laying on a couch or staring at ink blots was going to help me find myself again -- it damn sure wasn't going to erase the nightmares and the moments where I relived every conscious second I could remember.

There was a knock on my bedroom door and I pulled a nursing Cammie closer as I covered her lightly with a blanket. Papa's head popped in the door, his blonde hair covering his eyes as he smiled softly at me. Jack Sanders was a small man, especially in comparison to his partner. Daddy liked to say that Papa was his own personal glass angel -- fragile and in need of protection.

"Hey, baby, how's Papa's little monster tonight?" God, I loved my parents. They'd taken my unexpected pregnancy in strides and loved every moment of being grandparents. There were times when I wouldn't let Cammie leave the cradle of my arms and I could see the looks in their eyes as the stared at me -- they knew something needed to be done. I knew that Papa knew what happened, Daddy had been honest about not hiding it from his partner, but he never asked me about it. There were times when Daddy would push a little, I think he hoped I would drop names so he could do something but I never did.

I didn't even think their names anymore. They didn't exist to me. And at times, I wished that I didn't either.

*
Walker was staring at me, his mouth set in a grim line. The shine in his eyes had long gone as he looked, darting between the tears skating off of my face and the protective hand across my abdomen. He haven't said anything yet, which was not in his nature; Walker was the most outgoing and outspoken person I knew. His silence was terrifying.

I was torn between throwing my body at him, demanding that he hold me until the sense of comfort I knew he could provide enveloped me and throwing him out of the house as so he was as far away as possible. The new me and the old me were at war.

"So, d'you know who the father is?" Naturally, I had anticipated this question, but it still made it no easier to answer. I'm sure my mouth opened and closed a million times before Walker seems to accept that I couldn't give him a response.

"I'm gonna take that as a yes, but that he doesn't know." He paused, his blue eyes narrowing in a manner that i had never seen. "Do you ever intend for him to find out?" This was something I could answer -- my head lurched from side to side quickly, my hair flopping as I moved. It was a big fat negative answer. The fear that laced my head was nauseating and I prayed it didn't hurt the baby any.

"So, what're you going to tell your Dad and Papa 'cause you've already said you're not going back to school in North Carolina." I could tell there was more he wanted to say, and I had the nagging feeling that he wanted me to transfer to UT with him so he could keep an eye on me. I was deeply tempted. Since the moment I had been brought into this family, he had been my closest friend and biggest protector. Growing up together our playful friendship has blossomed into a romance that was hard to fight - Walker, despite the slight age difference, had been my first kiss. Little did he know that he was also my first love. But no matter how much I wanted to be with him before, things had changed -- I had changed in ways he wasn't capable of understanding. He would never know that I couldn't stand to be touched or held, that there was no way for me to ever be intimate again - I could barely look at myself as I undressed to shower without flinching. My insides curled up and died at the mere thought of someone kissing me or caressing me. He would also never see the terror filled nights I had - I wouldn't allow him to. A very selfish part of me needed Walker to remain dumb to my insecurities and frights now; he had to see me less damaged otherwise I would never survive.

"Nila, let me help you, okay? I'll be here for you ever single step of the way -- even if I am hours away. Let me be there for you, please." 

And with him looking at me with a desperate gleam in his gorgeous eyes, a pleading smile on those soft lips, how could I say now?

I needed Walker more than I was willing to admit aloud.

Walker

"Where ya goin', baby?" My mother's sweet voice called through the thick heat, her golden eyes smiling at me even as they reflected her concern. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a construction t-shirt that he'd left lying around, the silver in her hair was so light it almost looked golden under the gleam of the sun and her face was youthful and light. My mother was just as beautiful as I could ever remember.

"To see your future daughter-in-law, Mama." I hollered back cheekily, smiling oh-so-innocently at her wide eyed stare.

"You quit tormenting your Mama, son. She'd keel over with excitement if your brought over Nila and announced y'all's engagement." Daddy's booming voice erupted from behind me; I simply grinned, grabbed him in a quick hug and blew a kiss at the angel who birthed me before making my way to Uncle Donnie and Uncle Jack's

The ring in my pocket said more than the excitement in my eyes. Miss Nila Saunders would be mine one day, no matter what it took.

Oh, but the plans I had.