Little Tastes of Red Mire

(6) Saving Nila: What Ifs

Short update, but it gets through the roughest part of the story thus far. Only a few more chapters left, maybe two! This one's for @Christinae567 

Nila 

I used to lay in bed during my first year away from home, wondering about the the past and things I should've changed, moments I should've taken charge of, my Daddy called those the what ifs in life. Some of the thoughts were simple enough, harmless. 

What if... I hadn't chickened out at Walker's 18th birthday party and just kissed him like I wanted to? What if... I hadn't gone off to college in North Carolina, but instead gone to UT? What if... I called Walker and just told him what he meant to me?

Other, well, others weren't so simple, weren't so harmless. They were downright unnerving and had the ability to turn my mood as quick as a flash.

What if... I hadn't gone to that party that night? What if... someone had walked in? What if... I had decided to get rid of the life growing within me? 

They were questions that had run through my mind then, and sometimes even now I would think about it; making me wonder what my life would've been if I had changed one single event. Even now, staring out into they yard as my little Cammie waddled around with Daddy as Papa pointed his phone at the two of the, capturing every precious moment. The day was warm and bright, bluebonnets were growing around the edges of the yard, filling the air with a scent that had come to mean home. Spring in Red Mire spoke of beauty, of rebirth, of new opportunities. I ached to latch on to that, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Why was it so difficult to tell my best friend, the man I loved what had happened? 

The answer was simple enough. 

It wasn't because I was afraid that he wouldn't love me, no, that was a chicken shit answer.  I knew for a fact that Walker would love me with every breath he breathed, every day of the rest of our lives. He was that kind of man. It also wasn't because I was afraid to face my rapists, I was; I needed the closure of seeing them convicted for what they had done to me. I was terrified that there were more women just like me, many more after me, who were just as broken or even more so than I was. No matter what the good doctor said, didn't not reporting make it my fault even a little? Sure I'd been scared, been hurt, been too damaged to come forward, but did that make me not saying anything alright? I didn't think so. So, yeah, I knew Walker would love me always, just the same, but if he found out the truth and we discovered that a woman had been harmed because of my cowardice, would he look at me the same? 

The knock on the door told me that I didn't have much time to dwell on it, and the twin looks of concern my dads shot me said it all as they scooped up Cammie. As one trio slipped out the door minutes later, with a diaper bag, stroller and numerous chants about their trip to the zoo, a lone figure came in, silent, concerned, eyes brimming with worry. We stared one another down, neither wanting to break the silence, both knowing something monumental was about to happen. I knew if I let him speak I would chicken out, but couldn't find my voice just yet. Instead, I took a bold step forward, eyes never leaving his. Instantly as I stood in front of him, arms were around me, cocooning me. I felt that sense of safety blanket me. We embraced for longer than I could count, I listened to the steady thump of his heart to calm myself, waiting for the moment I could say what needed to be said. I broke away abruptly, sheltering myself with my own arms as I back off. I had something that needed to be said before I told him everything. I was important. 

"Nil-" I shook my head, cutting him off effectively. 

"I love you." I blurted, face reddening when his eyes widened. "I- I've loved you for as long as I can remember. I've dreamed of the day I could be yours. I thought - I thought going off to college would give us the time to grow, maybe show us exactly what we were missing. But one night in January things changed, Walker." I couldn't bare to look at him anymore, I didn't want to see his face contort as I told him the truth of that night. So, eyes shut tightly I told him about the party. How I'd been lounging quietly in a corner people watching when the first guy had approached me, Broady LeBlanc, and asked me to dance, putting on that typical golden boy charm. My shy refusal. I felt my body shivering as I recalled Heath O'Neal coming up moments later, offering his company and a glass of house punch -- specially made just for me, he'd said. Then about the sickness, the contortion of the world; of the dizzying thoughts and desperation to take over my own body once again. I told him about praying for help as I woke up in that dark room, but the knowledge that no one was coming. About laying their feeling their hands on me, silent tears falling down my face as they were done, leaving me completely alone. Finally, I told him about the following weeks, finding out about the child growing inside of me -- and of coming home. 

"I never thought I'd tell anyone about this. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life being a spinster with one child, my entire fearful life devoted to the only beauty that came from that heinous act. Until the night I called you when I fell asleep with her in the tub. I knew I had to do something. I would lose my baby if I didn't." I hiccuped softly, rubbing a hand over my tear streaked face. "What I hadn't realized until now was that I could've lost more than Cameron. My dads, your family, you. I'd already lost myself -- if I lost any of y'all I'd probably cease to live." A dark declaration of the truth. My eyes crept open as I waited for his response, to which part I wasn't sure. His face was white as his shirt, mouth set in a grim line and those beautiful blue eyes were hard. As fearful of his reaction as I was, I waited.

"I think I've known since the moment you told me about Cammie what had happened to you, it was the pain in your eyes. The fear. I have thought about what I'd say to you if you told me countless times, but I still don't know. No, wait, I think that's a lie. I know exactly what I need to say." The last few words seemed to be more to himself than to me and I could practically feel my heart breaking in my chest. "I have waited for an eternity it seems to hear those words come out of your mouth, Nila. To hear you tell me you love me, to be able to say that I love you, too. I would like to say that I don't give a shit what happened to you, but God do I. I hate that you've been hurt, that you shed a single tear over any action of anther human being. I'm sorry they took something you didn't willingly give. I'm sorry no one saved you, I'm sorry I wasn't there to save you. I," his voice began to break, strength wavering. "I am so sorry Nila."  He gave little notice before he strode my away, thick arms pulling me forward into his body -- his entire form wrapped protectively around mine. "I promise I will never let anyone hurt you, ever again, baby. You'll never be alone like that, ever again." He whispered fiercely into my hair, his lips brushing against my body with every word. And I knew that my days of what ifs were over. Because there wasn't a promise that Walker made that he didn't keep.