BaloneyOpus

The Poor Stalker

"So, you followed her?"

"I walked the same route she did, officer."

"Behind?"

"No. I always walk forward."

"I meant to ask, did you walk behind her?"

"Sorry. Yes. I did."

"So, you stalked her."

"No."

"Now. Let's get this straight. She walked on Elm street."

"Right."

"And you walked on Elm street."

"Yes."

"You say officer."

"I didn't talk to her."

"No. I meant, when you talk to me, say officer."

"Ah! OK officer."

"You kidding me?"

"No sir."

"Good. Now, you walked after her."

"Yes sir officer."

"Whom are you kidding?"

"I swear I walked after her."

"Then you stalked her."

"No sir. I only walked a few paces behind."

"That's stalking, son."

"I am sorry sir. I thought I was only walking."

"Let's take a different route."

"I'll be glad to, if it were not for the creek, sir."

"No. I meant us, you and I."

"Sure."

"Eh?"

"Sure officer. Yes sir."

"Good. So you leave her office and walk behind her?"

"Yes sir."

"How often?"

"Every day sir."

"So you are stalking her both ways."

"Er, no sir. I only return home."

"But why after her?"

"Sir, that's because she leaves earlier than I do."

"How do you know that?"

"I walk after her, so I do officer."

"Don't act smart. Let's see. She walks ahead in the morning and in the evening and you, after her both times."

"Yes sir."

"Every day."

"Yes sir."

"For a month now."

"Yes sir."

"And before that?"

"I walked elsewhere."

"Sorry?"

"I am sorry. I worked elsewhere, sir."

"So, you are saying you stalk her because you have a new job?"

"No, sir. I walk the same road because I work in the same building."

"So you are stalking her because she is in the same building, and not because you have a new job."

"Sir, I wouldn't have stalked her even if I had my old job."

"I know why. That was in a different part of the town right?"

"Not that sir. I wouldn't have done that even if it were in the same building."

"But that's what you are doing now."

"That's because she leaves before I do, sir."

"How do you know she wouldn't have done that in your past job if it were in the same building?"

"Sir, that's because I am the one that's supposed to be doing it in your eyes, sir."

"Ah! How do you know YOU wouldn't have done that in your past job if it were in the same building?

"That's because I had a night job, sir."

"So you would've crossed paths with her, then."

"Maybe, sir."

"So, it is not that you would've avoided her."

"I am not indulging her even now, sir."

"Don't mess with me. Now tell me this. You follow her everyday, in and out. And you tell me that's because you work in the same building and come in later and leave later. And so, you are only walking and not stalking. And you wouldn't have done this even if you had your past job here and would've avoided her, which means, you are not avoiding her, which means you are stalking her now. Who do you think you are trying to dodge son?"

"None sir. I am only saying I am not stalking her, and her walking ahead is only part of our daily routine. Now, may I ask you something sir?"

"Yes, son."

"Sir, if she is only walking ahead, how does she know I am stalking her, even assuming I am?"

"Good question son. Let me think. Hmm. No clue. You tell me."

"That's because she is walking backwards sir."

"That's preposterous."

"But officer, if she isn't how does she know I am walking behind her, unless she has eyes behind?"

"Will you stop being vulgar?"

"Sorry officer, I meant behind as in at the back of her head or maybe on her shoulders."

"Oh! that way. That is even more ridiculous."

"So, it is plausible that she is walking backwards sir?"

"Yes. But how does she not then trip or get hit by cars?"

"She must be turning to see the road once in a while."

"Common sense. Makes sense."

"That's how I think she thinks I am stalking her, while all I am doing is walking home, sir."

"That makes sense. Only then she can assume you are stalking her."

"I am only walking after her sir, not stalking."

"All right. go on."

"And because she is walking backwards facing me, she feels I am following her which is technically incorrect"

"And how is that?"

"And that means I am not behind her anymore, I am actually in front of her."

"And so?"

"So, I am not stalking her at all, as it needs me to be behind her. In addition, even if I had a night job, because she walks backwards, if I were to have my old night job, I would not have crossed her path at all, which means I would never have been her stalker."

"Hmm. That makes sense. So what are you saying?"

"That she is stalking me sir."

** Silence **

"GET THAT BLOODY CHICK HERE. She stalks people and then implicates this poor kid for no fault of his. No one messes with officer Frankie. And hey buddy, you no longer need to call me officer. Got it?"

"Sure thing, Frankie boy."