Hopeless || m.yg

One

"My grades need to be higher. My weight needs to be lower. My stomach needs to be flatter. My wallet needs to be fatter. My skin needs to be tanner. My teeth need to be whiter. My heart needs to be stronger. My friends need to be uglier. My face needs to be prettier. My hair needs to be longer. My skirt needs to be shorter. My body needs to be hotter. My image needs to be cooler. My boobs need to be bigger. My waist needs to be smaller. Society really knows how to make you feel like shit."
--Unknown 

>>>+<<<

"Suk Jaehwa!" Alex whisper-shouts to me from behind the desk. You see, she's on checkout duty and I'm putting books back on the shelves. Since we work at the library, we aren't really allowed to speak above a whisper--with some exceptions, like if you're speaking to a customer at the desk--and we shouldn't be talking anyway since we're working.

Alex is like, well, my best friend. After everything with Yoongi, she has always been there to pick up the pieces. We met through Bangtan not long after Yoongi started working with them. That means it's been quite a while now. 

"What?" I ask quietly. I turn around, abandoning my cart of books and walking over to the desk. 

"Are you going to the show Friday night?" I know when Alex speaks in English it's supposed to be a private conversation. Guess what language she's speaking in. 

"The show?" I whisper back. I don't quite know what she's talking about, but it's not hard for me to figure out.

"The concert," she clarifies with an eye roll. I shrug and look down to my feet. 

We don't usually talk about these things. It's been a while since everything happened and it's been a while since I even really thought about them. Sure, they're dropping their album in a few days. Sure, I know the exact time and plan to take my break starting the minute before it drops. Sure, I miss them...

"Of course I am," I answer softly. "I miss them so much."

Alex gives me a saddened look as she turns to help someone else check out their books. When she finishes, she looks at the time and I notice it's already four. I get off at five, so I turn to finish with my cart before Alex says anything else. 

Right before I walk out from behind the desk, though, she says something that makes me stop dead in my tracks.

"Maybe if you tried calling or texting them you would see how much they miss you too."

My heart clenches, but I don't turn around.

"I'm going to finish my day," I reply, switching back to Korean. That's how we would always know when the conversation was done. One of us would just switch back and that's that.

The whole last hour of my workday neither of us speak to each other. It's not like I'm angry at her or she's angry at me. Honestly, I'm glad she said something. I never did think about them and how they might feel. Granted, I did only know them until Yoongi and I broke up, but I'm going to stop pining.

This is my life and I can't just let him control everything I do anymore.

Once my shift is over, I go to the back room to gather my things. After a couple minutes, Alex walks in after me and I stop right before I leave.

"You're right." She turns to face me and I lift my head to look her in the eyes. "I never thought about them; about what they wanted. Whether they wanted to still see me or not. I only thought of myself. I'm sorry. Do you maybe want to help me with something?"

I see Alex's eyes light up and she smiles, nodding.

I want to apologize to them. This whole time I've only ever thought of myself. I never thought they would ever want to see me again, primarily because of Yoongi. But they were my friends too, and, frankly, I'm sad I didn't think of that sooner. Just because we all met through Yoongi doesn't mean he was the only common factor. I get along with each of them in their own special ways and I'm stupid for ever thinking otherwise.