Into My Heart An Air that Kills - Brahms Heelshire The Boy

Chapter 11 - Thoughts

It feels safe in my hidden rooms. Laurie doesn't know. She's not been down here. If she came would she see me as I really am? What I've become? I don't want her to see this place. This is my sanctuary and all that's wrong with me.

She's the only one who didn't run.

She's the only one who's never flinched from my touch.

She's the only woman I've ever had.

She sees the child inside. The one my mother kept alive. The one I hate. The one I am when I lose control. The one I am when I'm hurting in my soul. That's why I have rules. Rules keep me grounded.

There are two of me inside. The man and the child. Laurie wants the man. And he's the one who wants her. My child needs her too. She won't allow my child to show anymore. But that's alright. I'm beginning to understand what a woman really needs. I'm following all her leads. Am I coming into the light?

I know I can hurt things. I know I can kill. I know it's wrong, too. But I know I can mask it. As a child I had no mask.

I know I'm not right. I don't think the same as others. I don't feel the same as others. I never have. But I try. I'm trying. So hard. Because with Laurie I feel different. She makes me feel something inside. She helps my heart. The heart that hasn't felt for decades. She's my mirror.

Oh, I know my parents loved me. I know because they told me. I was indulged. My temper scared them. As I grew, they feared. And as they feared, I grew worse. I know I can't bully Laurie the way I did with them. I can't make demands of her. I can't because I care. I care what she thinks of me. I care if she's angry or hurt. I care if she leaves.

If Laurie only knew how the others were. How they cried when they heard me. How they screamed when they saw me. None of them cared how I felt. None of then knew how lonely I was. They all ran. And I hated them for it. I wanted them dead.

But Laurie is different. My beautiful Laurie. She's the only one who didn't run.