"But a group of 7 boys and a girl? Think about the controversy"
"Why listen to their assumptions and rumors? Only we know what's true and what isn't. It's our life after all"
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The stylist playfully grinned as I looked up at her with a heavy gaze. I couldn't get mad at her, she was trying to lighten up the mood. But it didn't. At least for me.
As they wiped off my sweat and touched up my makeup, I think back on my performance just moments ago. I had tripped a bit and messed up a high note, and I was angry at myself. One thought after another, I got more angry at myself, and then I hated myself, hated that I knew better than to downgrade myself over something miniscule. It's okay to mess up. You'll be able to improve next time is what the boys always tell me and each other. But it felt easier and better in a way to just yell and critic myself, so then I felt down and upset because of how I was bringing myself down. Confusing, but emotions never made sense.
At the end of the concert, despite feeling a temporary rush of happiness watching ARMY grin and wave their ARMY bombs, all the emotions that I pushed away for the sake of the performances came rushing back. The feeling that I had held back, it came down like a huge wave and suddenly I just wanted to cry.
All the boys were exhausted. They congratulated each other and drank their water, changed their clothes and grabbed their bags. I did the same, all with a sullen frown.
"You okay?", Jungkook approached me with a worried look. When I silently faced the other way, he knew that I wanted to be alone. That was another thing I loved about these boys; when one of us needs time to ourselves, they perfectly balance the amount of space to give and how much they should watch from afar and keep an eye on us. They don't completely ostracized us like we have some infectious disease and they don't baby us like we're some crying child.
As we walked to our vans that would take us back to our hotel, I was hesitant whether or not to hold Yoongi's hand. It swung forward and back in front of me as he strided to our transport. In the end I decided to wait until we got in our van.
Sitting down next to him, I waited after we were on the main road to lace my fingers through his. They were big and warm, perfectly enveloping my small and cold (at least that's how they felt to me) hands.
He glanced up but said no word as I curled closer to his side, now hugging his whole arm. Swapping his phone so that it'd be in his left hand, he shifted into a better position and layed his cheek on to the top of my head.
"You did great", I heard him murmur under his breath, landing a tiny peck with the corner of his lips on my head. I stayed silent as I tried controlling my shaking body from letting out a whimper, fat tears stinging my eyes. . . We got into our hotel rooms and I headed for the shower. Yoongi was considerate to let me hold his hand still all the way to my front door, despite passing his own room 5 doors behind. He said nothing, only a hum and a reassuring squeeze on my hand and he watched me close the door as I kicked off my shoes.
A heavy sigh left my mouth as I tried to pull myself together. In the end it really just made me sad to put it simple. I had been avoiding the boys enough I thought. I need their comfort now.
This was always the tricky part. I didn't know who I could go to. Who wasn't busy making music? Who wasn't showering? Who wasn't going to bed? I try go to the free person straight away because I didn't want to go through the constant rejection of "Sorry, Marin. I'm handling something right now", I was broken enough. Though I knew they would put aside anything to comfort their group member, I couldn't bare the guilt of forcing them to stop something just to attend my pity party.
I usually lean towards the vocal line first, as the rap line are always producing music. Who wouldn't be tired and busy right now? The possibilities are endless.
Panic struck again and I just thought that maybe I should just sit in my room and handle it myself. It was tempting, but I knew more than to wallow by myself. Without supervision, I could fall into a deep dark whole, where happy things would take a turn and I'd feel like I could do nothing good. You make sure you come to us whenever you want and need to, or I'll just have to keep my eye on you 24/7 was what Hoseok told me one time.
"Hello?"
"Oppa uhm, are you...busy?" I asked Taehyung when he picked up after the fifth ring. That alone already made me want to end the call because it could only mean that he was doing something before I called.
"No, why? Do you want me to come over?", His voice was soft, as if he knew I was panicking on the other end.
I knew my answer to his question, and at first I didn't reply straight away. It made me feel weak and desperate. But I couldn't lie. I did want him next to me.
"Yes please." . . He came over still in his clothes that he changed back into at the concert with his laptop. I said nothing and immediately went to hug him. Everyone saw how quiet and upset I was so he knew not to question it and hugged me back. He gestured to his laptop and suggested we watch a movie and at that moment there was nothing I wanted more.
"Why didn't you shower?" We cuddled on my bed, Taehyung's laptop on his lap as he leaned on the headboard while I rested my head on his shoulder. It had been some time since we got back and I assumed he took the time to freshen up after the 2 and a half hour long performances.
"I was lazy", he replied.
"What were you doing then? Had you taken a nap? Did I wake you up?", I started to worry.
"No no I didn't", he stopped me. "I'll be honest with you, I was in the middle of a V Live."
I pushed myself off of him with my arms and stared at him. "Why didn't you say so?! How long were you into it until I called? What is ARMY going to think?"
He only chuckled while patting my shoulder. "Relax, I'll just tweet saying the WiFi was bad. You're more important."
I didn't know how to respond, so I allowed him to lightly pull me back down and we continued our movie.
"You really did well. You acted so professional I didn't even notice the accidents", Taehyung said. I 'tched' but he whined saying it was true.
"You know, I tripped a bit at the shuffling part during Not Today", he added. "I messed up too."
I pursed my lips, listening to him while my eyes stayed glued to the laptop.
"I'm not going to tell you you can improve and that we're all human and can mess up, despite it being true, because I know you know and that you're tired of hearing it. So I'm just going to tell you everything you did well."
And he did. We barely paid attention to the action movie as Taehyung praised and talked about how I happy I looked, how I "looked beautiful with my cute smile", how I played and had fun on stage that brought the inner child out of him and enjoyed his time. The movie had long ended as we both fell asleep in the same position, Taehyung's cuddling nature pulling me closer.
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I wrote this on Friday night based off how I was feeling at the time, how I wanted a Yoongi and Taehyung in this sense. I was upset at something, and then I had to go to tuition with this frown etched on my face. I was pretty miserable there to say the least. The stylist was inspired by this random girl in my class who had said to me, "don't be all huffy" and even if her intentions were innocent it didn't help me
