I'm Only Human | AoT Fanfiction | Linked Sequel

Act Two | Upon Wallflowers | P.2

Act Two
Part Two
2.2
October 19th

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Never had I missed someone as much as I missed her. Her warmth was all I needed. When I first saw her in Trost I knew who she was. It hurt. Seeing her body crippled and covered in blood, watching as she struggled to recover in the hospital. Even so, ___ kept on smiling. She absorbed all the light from the sun and gave out that warmth to everyone around her. She was always warm. She was beautiful, an angel who looked as sweet as a peach, her eyes full of emotion and desire. Her messy bed hair, her stunning (color) eyes that shone in the sun. Watching her get up in the morning as the sun hit her through the blinds. Warmth emitted from her. She felt warmer than the sun.

When I kissed her for the first time, she was trembling. I could feel her heart beating out of her chest, but she was happy. Every time I held her, I could feel myself cracking out of my shell bit by bit. I had been told most of my life that I was a cold person. Nothing would ever change me. God, what lies people may tell. I was lied to, being told that people like her didn't exist. There were always people out there who could be like her, but no one could compare. She was the one four leaf clover in the field of flowers. ____ destroyed every barrier I had up to protect myself, and instead of hurting me, she healed me. The day I made her mine was the day I truly felt like one.

How did one person make me feel so complete. How did this one woman mend my heart. She gave me light, she gave me beautiful children and a warm smile to see every day.

'How did I let that go? Would she have been here if I had been by her side the same way she was with me? Would she still be dead? Would I still be gazing through that glass door, looking at my only living child in the eyes as she held onto her last breath?'

No matter how much warmth ___ gave me, I couldn't give any back. I was cold. Always cold. And now, Paloma was cold. She was shivering, holding onto life, tubes running through her body and only pain medicine keeping her alive. No matter how long I stared at her unconscious body, I felt nothing. Only cold. What would come of me if I let my whole family die again? Why give me a second change if I'd just blow it?

Kill me.

I looked down, staring at the ground and soon closing my eyes, hoping not to shed any tears.

I wouldn't cry.

Suddenly, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I slowly turned my head and looked into those pure black eyes.

"Mikasa," I choked out, slowly moving my hand onto hers.

She said nothing, but looked overwhelmed, moving her gaze to the hospital beds. As I shifted my view, my eyes landed on another bed at the end of the hospital room. I knew no one else with that dirty brown hair.

"Jaeger is stronger than he looks, Mikasa."

She nodded, almost ignoring me.

I turned around, said my goodbyes to Mikasa, and headed to my office. The moment the door closed behind me, I fell on my bed.

'I cant cry. I won't be weak,' I told myself.

Paloma deserved better.

Alexandre deserved better.

I was no father...

No father.

A bad father.

A bad husband.

A horrible man.

'Why should I live?' I asked myself, slowly touching the metal of my drawer.

'They all deserve more than what I gave them,' I thought, my fingers grazing the taste of guilt.