SLOW BURN

6. i shouldn't have

I glance at my phone ringing next to me.

It's the fourth time Josh calls me since we kissed two weeks ago. I can't bring myself to answer him. I don't know what to say. It scares me to even think about it. I wish I could be angry at him for kissing me but I'm not. In fact, that kiss has been what I've thought about in the past two weeks. I don't know what it is about kissing Josh that makes it so unforgettable. I thought about the first time he kissed me for eight years and now I have this kiss-this forbidden kiss-to think about from now on. I'm trying my best to deny the fact that I liked his kiss more than I should.

I shouldn't like the way his lips felt against mine. Or the tingles his touch sent all over my body. I still feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever I relieve that kiss in my head. This one was different from the first one. I was surprised when he kissed me eight years ago. Somehow, I knew he was going to kiss me this second time. Or maybe I hoped. My subconscious hoped he would. I feel like shit thinking about this. It's not right. I don't need a genius to tell me that this is wrong. I know I shouldn't like kissing Josh. I shouldn't even be thinking about him. Brad and I are over but Josh is still Brad's brother. It's wrong. That's why I haven't been answering the phone. It's the right thing to do. It's the ethical thing to do. I'm not a teenager. I shouldn't be doing things I know are wrong.

The only problem is that my brain is not getting the memo. I can't stop thinking about him. It's like when I read a really good book-so good, I finish it on the same day-and I can't stop thinking about it for days after I'm finished with it. It's ridiculous, really. I mean it was just a kiss. I shouldn't even be kissing anyone right now. Not after my engagement ended. Not after an eight year relationship. And even if I were kissing someone, it most definitely should not be my ex's brother.

My phone stops ringing and I hate that I feel disappointment flow through me.

I glare at the TV in front of me as I try not to think about it. My roommate, Cassie, left about an hour ago. It's Friday and she always spends her weekends with her boyfriend so I know she won't be back until Sunday night. Sometimes I wonder why they don't just move in together. I haven't asked her because I don't want her to think I want her to move out. I don't. She moved in about five months ago when my last roommate moved back with her parents. Cassie and I are rarely ever home at the same time. I feel that we would become good friends if we actually spent time together. How ironic that now that I don't have a boyfriend, I realize that I don't have any friends.

I didn't really bother to keep any friends from high school or college. People are so fake now-a-days, you don't know who your real friends are. I never minded because I had Brad but now I find myself yearning to talk to someone. I've never missed Savannah more than I miss her right now. Mom had brought up the subject of me moving back to Newport again. Before Brad and I got engaged, she would bring it up a lot. I always told her my life was here because up to a month ago, my life really was here. Now...I'm actually thinking about moving back to Newport. I could live with Savannah. She owns a condo. My little sister has accomplished more than I have in that department.

The only thing that stops me from packing up my bags right now is my job. I like my job. It's stable and I get paid decently. I work for an insurance company. I basically sit in front of two computers and process applications all day. It was hard back when I was new but I've been doing this for three years now. I'm good at it and I like working on my own. I know it would be hard to find this stability anywhere else. It's the only string tying me to Portland right now but it's getting thinner by the day.

There's suddenly a soft knock on the door and my body immediately freezes. I wait in silence. My heart is beating hard against my chest at the possibility of Josh being behind that door. Who else could it be? I hope it's not Brad. He texted me the day after I left the ring with Josh but I didn't respond. There's another knock.