The Enemies

I Love You.

Oden

The pattern begins. I pretend to be normal during the day and drink myself to sleep at night. Some nights I don't get nightmares. Those are good nights.

I get in touch with Holt and Tom. Holt is still recovering, but he will remain on medication for the rest of his life. After the blast, his spine was severely injured. It was a miracle he survived. I am glad he did – he has a family to take care of. Holt's life is another reminder of why I should be mortified for feeling what I feel.

Tom's house is several blocks away, and we meet with him from time to time. Sometimes we throw small parties inviting several former officers. Tom enjoys women, and I enjoy booze. It is a win-win.

Council signed an act of unconditional surrender. And all hostages are now released by both sides. Drell is to dismiss the army and allowed to have a minimal number of drones, weapons, battleships, and men to ensure control inside the country. Karm insists for Drell to have a separate governmental body controlled by residents of other states to ensure no future attacks. Newtopia, Parand, and Fren side with Karm. Of course. They offer me a position of spokesperson there, which I politely refuse. My father is furious. He never understood why I quit the military in the first place. I am no Heston, though he still would prefer him to be alive over me. He looks at me with regret in his eyes, ready to trade one son for another. That makes me wonder if I belong in Drell if I belong anywhere at all.

My mother has a serious talk with me about my drinking habits. I try to joke about it, but she is right. This needs to stop. Besides, it has been almost a year since her death. It is time for me to embrace the guilt and make peace with it. I followed an order, served my country to the end, but there are no words to describe how wrong it was or how great a mistake I consider it to be.

Maybe I will find myself a girl like Evans suggested, but the thought repulses me. After Sunbright. I sometimes wonder what Evans is doing with his life when he does not have his best friends around and no reason for manslaughter. Will he settle down and have children? He does not seem like the type, but I do not know him.

At least he can visit her grave. Where did they bury her? Would she prefer Moneree to Stolnter? I never thought of her grave. I always imagine her alive while in my nightmares, she returns on her knees, her eyes wide and shocked, with blood covering her hand. I was the one who did it. I blame myself for her death and blame Rhea for what she has done to Drell.

Blame. There is a lot of it in my life now.

How do I forgive her for what she has done? Would she forgive me for what I did? Will I forgive myself? Forgiveness is something Drellians disregard all the time, and there are many things to forgive.

The first day I stop drinking the nightmares return with a vengeance. I survive only three hours into the night. I lie in my bed and try to slow down my breathing, recalling the night in Moneree with Rhea. I do love her. I fell in love with her the instant I met her with tangled hair and blood all over. She was always beautiful to me, even half-conscious and badly hurt. Now I would choose to be with her against my better judgment or my country. Hell, against anything that is to be against in this world.

Now no one cares what I would choose, not anymore. I already decided a year ago. Now I live with the consequences. I jump out of bed and open the closet where I keep things I no longer need. My bag with the rifle is buried somewhere at the bottom. In the outside compartment, I find the Karmian communicator.

The screen lights up the room when I switch it back on. My eyes devour the messages from her. Her words from the past. My reminder of the girl who chose me once, burning like a bright star and leading an entire nation to the victory. The green-eyed girl who perished. Because of my foolishness.