Parker

01| Exulansis

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E x u l a n s i s 

(n.) the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because others are unable to relate to it.

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When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.

– Peter Parker, Captain America: Civil War

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This was what heroes looked like.

Slumped shoulders, and muffled sobs; blackened bruises, and dislocated bones – this is what heroes really looked like.

Heroes were never the shiny capes, latest suits, or newest gadgets, – heroes were the weakened arms, and the wobbly legs; heroes were the bleeding lips and swollen eyes – heroes were the lifeless bodies on a battlefield that was long lost, long forgotten.

Out of all people, Peter would know that.

He knew that Tony Stark wasn't remembered for all his suits or inventions; he knew that Tony didn't leave his mark in this world by being this elitist who had everything he wanted in the snap of his fingers – Tony was remembered for the blood he willingly shed on another planet, for the click of his fingers that saved the whole of humanity.

Tony was remembered as a hero, Peter knows that now.

Peter knew that when he was battling alongside these – these aliens, he supposed – and he knew that when he saw himself disintegrating into dust. Peter knew that when he was fighting alongside Tony himself on a planet he lost count of, and he knew that when Tony took his last breath.

Peter knows people will remember Tony Stark – not Iron Man – forever.

There was no question – he saw it in the way banners of Tony were hung everywhere across New York, and how even Midtown High School honored Tony's tribute by letting all the students in the Art club paint an enormous portrait of Iron Man, and hanging it in front of the school – Peter knew, no one could ever replace Tony.

"Hey Pete," Ned said quietly, tears welling in his eyes. "I'm so sorry."

Peter was trying so hard not to sob, because just looking at the enormous portrait of Tony hanging in front of his high school was enough to make him want to take the subway back home. Ned instantly noticed the way Peter stiffened when they arrived to school, and now that Peter was here – looking straight at Tony in the face – he could feel his months of grief and healing crumble into nothing.

"It's okay Ned," Peter manage to choke out, already wiping the tears that trickled down his cheeks. It seemed as though it was just yesterday when Tony basically called him an idiot for flying to space, and Peter still couldn't wrap his head around the different people he met there – Doctor Strange, Mantis, Starlord, Groot, everyone – and the different planets he was on; Peter still couldn't believe he went to outer space, and survived – well, in a sense he came back to life but still – and for some reason, the fact that Peter was here, walking the hallways of his high school as though nothing ever happened just felt so wrong.

Tony was gone – there was just no other way around it – and some days, Peter would find himself mindlessly dialing Tony's number, and it would take two rings before Peter would remember what happened. Peter still saw it clear as day – the way Tony's bleeding lips were quirked in the smallest of smiles, how his eyes were gleaming in unshed tears; Tony's trembling hand the gentlest of touches as he patted Peter's shoulder, his final breath almost sounding as cruel as a gunshot to Peter's back – Peter remembers it all.