Parker

02| Rubatosis

0 2

R u b a t o s i s 

(n.) the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

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Everywhere I go, I see his face. I really just miss him.

– Peter Parker, Spiderman: Far From Home

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A part of Peter knew it should've been him.

It was what everyone was thinking in the back of their heads – It should've been the spider-boy, not Iron Man – and he's seen tweets about it too, so he knew for a fact that people were thinking about it, that it was a living idea that was rooted in people's minds.

It should've been me.

Of course Peter had things to lose – Aunt May, Ned, MJ – but Tony had more, especially now that he had a daughter, and god, the fact that Morgan was going to grow up without her father by her side absolutely broke Peter. It was unfair – absolutely unfair – that it was Tony who had to go, that it was him who had to take the plunge for the rest of them.

It should've been Peter.

Sure, New York would grief for a while, but at the very minimum, it wouldn't be the whole world – it made sense that way, because Peter was absolutely nothing compared to Tony – what did he have to offer the world anyway? – so it should've been him – It should've been me, me, me – because then, at least Tony would've been here, trying to figure everything out instead of this mess that the Avengers didn't have the first clue to fix.

If Tony was here and Peter was gone, everything would be easier, more tolerable – not this. It was as though the whole world was put on pause, and no one had the first clue on how to make it move again, on how to make everything better. It was as though everything just stopped, and no matter how hard Peter tried, he couldn't sleep properly when the guilt of everything weighed down on his chest so hard that he had severe panic attacks in the beginning.

Aunt May helped him out, consoling Peter has he tried to get his breathing back to normal, but if he was being honest, Peter felt he couldn't breathe half the time he was awake. It was as though it was never going to get better, that Peter was never going to go back to normal – to go back to the time before Tony –

He never had the heart to complete that sentence – even in his head.

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"Hey," Sam said, giving Peter a small smile. "How you doing, kid?"

Peter couldn't smile back even if he tried. "Okay," he said, his bottom lip quivering, clenching his fist. "You?"

Sam smiled sadly. "The same as before," he said, letting out a small breath. "Come on Parker, let's eat – I'm hungry."

Sam was the one who was there for Peter during this entire thing – from the very beginning until now – and twice a week he'd visit Peter in Queens, strolling the streets and eating hotdogs and ice cream. Peter knew this was Sam's way of saying I'm here for you, and Peter was more than grateful for that. It was when Peter could feel like he could actually breathe out without being afraid of breathing back in – Sam wasn't one to sulk and sob – no, Sam was one to treat Peter to ice cream flavors he didn't taste before, and Sam was one to ruffle Peter's hair and call him ugly.