rapper imagines.

dark clouds|roddy ricch. (MA)

"I been feeling pain, for so long.
I done became numb.
I don't make it no better. I give my heart to whoever, they take it and run.
You had me but you lost me,
I'm not mad, I'm exhausted.
Please, please if my you come around,
give me something to make my smile.
It's been so many dark days, dark days
and dark clouds. "
-
Another tear drop fell from my eye... and another and another. My head started pounding because of how hard I was crying. I gave up on trying to wipe my tears about 20 minutes ago. I was in an empty room trying to study for this stupid upcoming exam, when the doctor's words kept replaying in my head.

"I'm sorry but your friend..." the doctor trailed off.

I remember the air being sucked out of me, as I hit the floor. It seemed like the month of December had been the worst month of my life. I lost my best-friend, my dog, and later my job all in a little bit of weeks. My grades were plummeting drastically, causing the financial aid office to notify my parents, considering I attended my college on a free ride academic scholarship.  Apparently, the school was thinking about taking it away, causing my parents to call me. The phone call was short, mainly because I kept sending them to voicemail. I got left multiple nasty ones, as they simply told me to get my shit together in various ways, or they would stop paying for my house. Usually I would just ignore my parents and just live on campus. But my apartment was the only place I had to be myself; the only place where I can take off my fake-happy mask and wear my real face. I was sure with a roommate I would have to keep my mask on, never reveling how I truly felt.

I had a couple of friends that checked up on me every now and then. I learned, however, when you open to certain people, they often didn't know what to say. 'It's going to be okay,' would be their best effort, but that's something I could've told myself.

The only person who truly knew I wasn't myself was Rodrick. He always knew what to say to make me have a better outlook on life. Hell, he was one of the only things that made me not give up on it yet. He was there for me up until the loss of my job. This was when his album dropped, which came press, interviews, concerts, tours, girls and soon enough, he was no where to be found. I couldn't blame him though. He was finally doing what he planned since he was a young boy. I was happy for him. Even though I wanted him here with me, I couldn't be selfish. He was finally living out his dream. He begged me to come on tour with him, but I denied. I told him that it was going to hard for me to balance school and tour life. As you figured, I lied. I was at the top of my class, I had mastered multi-tasking, tour life would've been a piece of cake for me. It wasn't like I was performing or anything. But I didn't want my problems to be a burden for him, while he was dealing with his new profound fame. There was no way I could go on his tour, barely being emotionally stable. Hell, I couldn't make it through one day without crying half of it. Most importantly, I didn't want to depend on him for my happiness, because everything else that made me happy,  has gotten taken away.

So, there I was. Sitting on my bed. For the first time, feeling completely alone. My mask was completely off and my real face was buried in my hands. I had gotten tired of crying. I had gotten tired of this deep unhappiness and sadness that would follow me around. It was like I was wearing this huge blanket of misery and downheartedness that would drape over me. It had been so long; I was starting to forget what happiness felt like. 

There was a knock at my door, startling me. I don't remember the last time I had spoken to anyone. I was definitely not prepared for whoever this was. I walked through my house to see who it was, and of course, my invisible blanket followed me. I was prepared to put my mask on, but after seeing who it was there was no need.

"Rodrick," I whisper, surprised to see him.

"Hey," he stares at me, with a concerned look on his face. If anyone knew how to read me, it had been him. He even did it better than my parents. Maybe considering he spent more time with me than my parents ever did.

"You weren't answering your phone," He continues, "It's been like two weeks I've been trying to reach you. I didn't know if I should come by, but by those eyes, I'm glad I did."

"What about your tour?" I question.

"I have a show tonight and tomorrow in the city before I leave for London. But I need to make sure you're good before I leave. I can tell how red your eyes are that you're not." He says, walking past me, into my apartment. 

I see the back of his head look around slowly. He turns around looking at me in amazement and slight disgust, as he saw how disorganized my house is. These past few weeks, it had escaped my mind to keep my house cleanly. Definitely not something I'm proud of, but somedays I was lucky if I sat up straight in my bed in the mornings, let alone get out of it.

"Y/N," He says softly, "You need to talk to someone."

"No! I don't need to talk to shit." I quickly dismiss. "What? You think I'm crazy?"

"No, that's not what I said and that's not what talking to someone means." He assures.

"No, I'm not going to open up to anymore people," I dismiss again.

"Why not?" he questions.

"Because they won't understand." I say, bowing my head with my index fingers on my temples.
"But they will," Rodrick says.

"Yeah? And how do you know that?" I say, looking up at him.

"Because I did!" He raises his voice slightly, taking a step closer to me. "I do understand."

He looks down at me, with his hazel eyes full of what seems like sorrow. I stare back at him and can't help but break down all over again. Out of all the years me and Rodrick have known each other this is one of the only times I had let him see me cry. I hated crying in front of him or anyone, for I thought it symbolized weakness. I mean, that's how I was raised.

"I'm tired, Rodrick. I mean that physically, emotionally and mentally. It's gotten to the point where I don't feel anything anymore. I'm just tired." I weep, water sliding down my cheeks.

"I feel like I'm stuck." I ramble. "I'm stuck in this part of my life where the only thing I know is sadness and disappointment. And if something goes right for me, I'm just waiting for the bad things to come. It's like this cloud, it's following me everywhere I go making everything in my perception dark. I need help. I need to find myself again. I'm so lost. I'm at rock bottom.  I need help. Rodrick, I need help.

"Come here, I got you." He pulls me in for hug. His chin rests on the top of my head. After a moment of me crying for what's the 3rd time this morning, he pulls apart from me, wiping my tears.

"You don't know how strong. For you to open and express your feelings is something not everyone can do. But, Y/N, you can't go through this by yourself. It's too much for you to go through alone. Any person would have trouble with all the losses you've went through these past few months. I can't imagine what you're going through.' he says, wiping my tears.

"But you can't be compliant with being stuck." He continues. "Life's a bitch, it's going to throw several punches at you from time to time.  But it doesn't matter how hard you get punched; it matters how you recover and hit it back. Don't let your losses, mistakes or failures define you. You gotta keep moving forward. The moment you stop moving forward is when you stop growing."

I was still in Rodrick's arms and I looked up at him in awe. It always surprised me how wise he was beyond his years. Like magic I felt my sheet getting a bit lighter, no it wasn't completely off, but I had gotten the energy to continue life itself and maybe get help.

"Besides, if you feel like you've hit rock bottom, you know what only other direction you can go." He says, smiling.

His smile was contagious leading me to wear one on my face. Something I haven't done in a while.
——
authors note: This is not glorifying depression or sadness, if anything it's to show that if you keep pushing, there is a bright side at the end of the dark tunnel. don't give up. :)

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