Tapish تپش

five

The sight that greeted her on coming out had her salivating. It's been a really long time since she has had a decent meal. A decent hot meal.

Rayyan had brought a tray of what appears to be chicken soup, and her favorite thing ever- yakhni pulao! How he managed that in such a short amount of time was beyond her.

She forgoes the preliminary greetings and insults and digs right into the food. It had her moaning. More so than that it had her teary eyed.

Yet again Rayyan realized what he had done. He couldn't reprimand himself enough. He was the eldest son of the richest family back in his town with servants at his beck and call to do his bidding.

And here was his wife, his expecting wife whom he should have given the world and treated like the queen she is and she was stripped off the basic necessities like food. Let alone hot food.

He caressed her cheeks with his own eyes moist. She wasn't paying attention to him till then but the scars on his knuckles had her worried.
Try as she may, she still loved him. However unworthy or undeserving he seemed at the moment, he still is her husband.

" What happened to your hands? Dikhayein mujhe."

This showed him the difference between them. She should be so pissed with him that his life or death shouldn't matter to her and she was worried about his hands. These stupid hands.

" I had a short scuffle at the shelter. There were men who were speaking filth about you" he looked down and mumbled. She put the spoon down and had tears gushing.

" Let me guess hot body, pregnant yet doable and bastard ba.."

"Duaaaaaaa" he put his hand over her mouth with eyes seeing red.

" What? Couldn't handle it? This is just the PG-13 version of it. They've called me things and asked me to do favours in return of food, things that I can't even repeat. And weren't you the one who had started it? Kept woman, dirty blood and tainted lineage and some more. And you're doing just the same. Offering me food and shelter in return of what I don't know, but there isn't much difference between you all."

This had him shame faced. He had the courtesy to look guilty and down right remorseful.

" I don't have the courage to face you after all that I've said to you. I can't even begin to fathom your sufferings because of what I did. But please just let me make it up to you. Let me repent. If you want I can go and live there in your place. I'll eat what you ate which was absolutely nothing but please just tell me what to do to appease you. Please baby."

He was crying now. She had never in her 3 months of marriage and living together with him seen the big bad Rayyan Hamdaani shed a tear. Let alone bawl his eyes out. He looked ready to do anything to earn her forgiveness.

But that was just it. She didn't want any revenge or payment for what she had suffered. She deemed it as Allah's plan. And who is she to question HIS doings.

She believed that it was written in their fate to go through all that. But she couldn't forget or forgive right now. She needed time. 

" I'm sure you're guilty and feeling bad for your behavior. I know you at least that much if not fully. But I can't just erase the last four months. They did happen and I did endure all that and more. Your mere words cannot erase it. Your family brought me into a home and made me feel like a part of it, despite me being yateem. You showed me what love was like despite ours being an arranged marriage. And then to throw me and my child away just because you thought I was cheating on you shook my very belief on humanity. The storms that I've braved both literally and figuratively have changed me. It was pouring that day and I had no place to go. And after walking for what seemed like hours Allah directed me towards that shelter. It wasn't the safest places on Earth. Sirf mera Khuda jaanta hai ki Maine apni izzat aur aabroo ki kaise hifaazat ki hai. And you can't come in with a few colourful adjectives for apologies and expect me to run back to you. I can't and as of now, I won't."

" I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. But now instead of telling you, I am going to show you that I've changed. You can take an eternity to decide if you want to give me a chance or not, but I'm not giving up. I'll try to deserve you both. Even if it's the very last thing that I do. Wallah, that I promise."
And she didn't want him to give up.

After finishing her food, she changed into Rayyan's kurta and salwaar. That's what he had kept for her to wear. And only that's what would fit her.

All the hand me downs at the shelter, she was grateful for them but they were very uncomfortable. Especially when she grew like a whale every week.

She placed her pillow and blanket on the floor beside the bed and settled down for the night. It was going to be a long one. Her baby was very active today. Guess he finally got what he was craving for. His father.

She could argue with anybody on the gender of her child. She strongly felt it was a boy. She needed him to be a boy.

She doesn't want her daughter to be born in a world where her mother's virtue is in a constant danger.
The room's door creaked open and she was greeted by an shocked outrage.

" Why in Allah's name are you sleeping on the floor? Is the bed not to your liking. Should I change the mattress? The lining? What is it?"
His voice had taken a helpless tone now.

" Nothing is wrong with it but this is how I slept everyday. The fact that I have a pillow and a blanket is luxury enough. Just because I agreed to stay back doesn't mean I'm going to take advantage of your lifestyle. I don't want to get used to it; again. It's very hard adjusting to the other way of life."

"Please don't do this sweetheart. I beg you, please sleep on the bed. It's not good for the baby or you. Please just.." he trailed off not knowing how to keep his point without him turning into the culprit that he was.

"No. And please leave. Is it how it's going to be from now on? Am I not entitled to a little privacy? Are you going to barge in whenever you feel like it?"

"No, you got me wrong. I came here to give you your vitamins and water. Please Duaa sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor if you'd like."

" Rayyan,I'm not doing this to gain your sympathy or to punish you. This is just self preservation. What if in future I have to help someone and this time around it's a man, you'd chuck me out yet again. Or some other circumstances would have you questioning my loyalty, I would never be able to survive that again. I'm just protecting my heart. It's not to make you feel bad."

It's like she had slapped him. He knew he had damaged her heart and trust beyond repair. Tonight, he'd let her be and do her bidding. But he'd not let her suffer alone. He slept on the floor outside of her room.

Hearing her small whimpers and moans of discomfort woke him up from what was easily the worst sleep he's ever had.

He rushed inside the room and saw her twisting in pain.
This sent a panic throughout his being. He gingerly picked her up and deposited her into the soft bed.          

" Duaa, wake up sweetheart, where is it paining? Should I get a doctor?"
She woke up with a start.

" Nothing. It was nothing. Just a nightmare."

" Are you sure? Do you want me to stay? I'll sit by on the chair. Let me stay, please." 

"Whatever"

She was too deep in sleep to even realize the change in the settings. The cold floor had morphed into the soft bed and she wasn't aware of that. Just her husband's presence seem to lull her into a peaceful slumber. She finally felt safe.

Tomorrow morning he's getting two things done. One: buying a baby monitor. And two: carpeting all the floors with the softest ones that money can buy. He was a man on a mission.