Blood and Apples: An Annora Park Novel: Book One

Chapter Twenty-Five: Cancerous Cunundrum

    I don't often sit back and contemplate my crazy existence. I've never really had time to moan and groan and feel sorry for myself. And if I were totally honest with myself, I've never truly given it a thought otherwise. My life. Well, it just was MY life. The only life I knew. The only life I had. Why wonder and whine over things that you couldn't control? Why wish for something you couldn't have. Why hope for a hopeless dream. I'd known from infancy that I was a Treader, my mother never kept that secret from me. I knew what it meant to have the power of the dead. Mother had told me I was given a great gift, but a great burden as well. She had never shielded me from the uglier aspects that came with Treading. I'd always assumed that was because she wanted me to be prepared...be prepared for a time when she wouldn't be with me...wouldn't be able to guide me.
    She had taught me. She had trained me. She had comforted me. And then she had died. Just like that, she was gone. At the time I was told it was cancer. That it was the cancer that had taken her. Now I knew better. Now I knew more. And now more than ever I wish she was with me. That I had her with me. That I had her arms wrapping around me...comforting me...soothing me...
    I was so alone. I was so completely alone.
"Oh amour, you are breaking my heart," Chamuel murmurs, but doesn't make a move towards me. And for that I'm grateful. I feel so fragile right now, like a piece of cracked glass just waiting to be shattered. "My beloved, you are not alone. Please believe me. If you trust nothing else, trust in this. Know my words ring true. You are not alone. You have never been alone. And from the moment my eyes met yours...you were never, even if the words feel untrue, to be alone again."
I will not cry. I will not cry. I am stronger than this. Life altering revelations won't break me. "You're intruding again, Chamuel," I mutter, without looking at him.
"I am sorry, my amour. Your...your pain...your grief...it calls to me. I cannot...I cannot remain unfeeling amidst it."
"Try," I snap back at him. I sigh then, and run a hand through my hair, "Sorry, sorry...that was...that was...uncalled for." I close my eyes for a second and sigh again. "God...oh God, I'm trying here Chamuel...but it's one bombshell dropped after another. How can you possibly understand? I mean...fuck...a week ago I was just Annora Park. I worked for the department under special investigations and my co-workers basically either worshipped or hated me. I had a strained relationship with my partner because I'd gotten drunk and we screwed each other's brains out," I ignore his growl and continue, "...I went home at the end of the day to an empty apartment haunted by memories of a dead mother and a father I never knew...and well, rinse, wash and repeat...THAT, THAT was my life, Chamuel. And you know what, it wasn't perfect. Hell, it was far from perfect, but it was mine...it was MINE." I feel the burning of tears wash down my cheeks, "...It...it was mine, Chamuel. I...I...I knew what I was getting into. I knew what to expect. Death...death was coming for me. And I'd made peace with it. This...all of this, it's...it's...it's all too much. I...I...I don't know what to do with all of this."
"Darling girl, you're like the strongest woman I know. Get a fucking hold of yourself," Walker snipes, and my head snaps in his direction. Hell, I'd almost forgotten there for a minute that I was surrounded by crazy men.
"Well excuse me for living, Walker Sergei Romanoff. Sorry that I'm questioning everything in light of recent events. So sorry that my mental health is annoying you." I snip back.
Walker sighs. "Oh, baby girl, I don't mean to be harsh with you. But you're having a total pity party right now, I can tell. And that pity party does no one any good, okay?" He leans back in the chair he's currently sitting in and shrugs his massive shoulders. "What do you accomplish with a pity party, Annora darling? Does it change anything? Does it change you? Or your circumstances? No? No...it doesn't, does it, darling girl."
"Walker..." I begin but he cuts me off.
"No, Annora darling, no...I need you to listen to me. You're freaking out. I can tell you're freaking out. I've known you long enough to catch your 'tells,' and I know that you're getting ready to run. Even if you have no idea how or where to run to right now, you're getting ready to. You can't baby girl. You can't run right now, sweetheart."
"Walker I can't do..." But he cuts me off again.
"You CAN! You can Annora darling. It's like I said. You're the strongest woman I've ever met. You've got this baby girl."
"As much as I dislike the War Lak, on this I agree," Terrenel's smooth as molasses voice interjects, "My sweet warrior queen, my beautiful queen. You are magnificent. You are a miracle. A true Goddess touched miracle. There is nothing you cannot do. I truly believe this."
    God. Oh God. How did I handle this? "My brain feels like it's searching for a way out of an endless labyrinth," I mutter to no one in particular.
"I don't doubt it, amour. Of course you are confused right now. I...I...I...tried to tell The Graces," his voice drops off, and once again I'm glad. I really don't want to hear about the Graces right now. "Oh my beloved, it is okay. Please trust in me, believe in me. It is okay. It is going to be okay."
"How?!" I snap back at him. "Tell me how, Chamuel, oh High Heavenly Host, tell me how. How is is going to be all right? I mean, you know everything, right? Your precious Graces told you everything. They filled you in on everything, right? So tell me, Oh High Heavenly One, tell me how it's going to be...how everything plays out from here on out." I finish sarcastically.
"As amusing as this all is...the night is waning. I would like to know what brought my beautiful midnight queen to my court in the first place." The dark Fae King says, and I roll my eyes.
"Sooooo not your anything, Mr. Big Bad Baddie Dark Fae King," I gripe. "But you're probably right. We probably should get down to business." My total freak out...well...it was going to have to wait. Because like usual, I didn't have time to deal with a meltdown. Life was calling. And I needed to get back to it.
   "My beloved, it is not like that.  There is always time for...for..."
   I laugh hysterically, "For what, Chamuel?  There's always time for what? For me to have a complete freak out attack?  A nervous breakdown perhaps, is that better?" I hang my head.  "No...there's never fucking time.  Never fucking time for any of it.  There's never been any time...not with mother...and not with this." I turn burning eyes to his.  "Do you know how fast it took her, Chamuel? Do you know how much she suffered before the end came for her?" I scoff.  "Of course you don't, because you weren't here!" I scream that last at him.  "You weren't fucking here!  I was alone! I was all alone!  She was gone, Chamuel, just like that, she was gone.  She'd been my anchor my entire life.  My only constant.  And just like that, she was gone." My breath hitches in my throat, and I choke back a sob.  "Just...just..." I swallow, hard, "...just like that...she was gone.  I didn't...I barely had time to tell her goodbye, Chamuel.  And she was gone."  I feel a lead stone in my chest, hard and unyielding.  God.  It hurts.  It hurts so much.
   "Oh my amour."
NO! Keep it out.  I had to keep it all out.  I couldn't let myself, feel, too much.  Never let yourself feel too much.  Never.  Never Annora, never let yourself feel too much.  You only end up bleeding in the end, bleeding terribly...bleeding from your soul was always so much worse.  Because your soul left metaphysical wounds that never healed.  They remained long after the physical would were scabbed and scarred over.
   "Please, my beloved.  Your pain...your pain it is breaking my heart."
   A part of me was glad for it.  Because my heart was so long past broken it wasn't even funny.  I felt fragile in a way I'd never felt before.   "Ya don't say, Chamuel," I say snidely, not even caring if my sarcastic tone hurt him. 
   "I would like to feel her pain," The Dark Fae King says, leaning forward in his chair.  His brilliant star kissed eyes are glowing.  "Tell me, oh tell me High Heavenly Host what I must do so that I can feel her pain as you do."
   "Yup," I ignore the warning look from Chamuel and Terrenel and spit out, "Psycho alert here.  You realize you're completely psycho, right?"
   "Psycho?" He asks, cocking his head to one side.
   "A psychopath." I snort and in my most "librarian-ish" voice, I say, "A Psychopath is traditionally a personality disorder characterized by persistent anti-social behavior, impaired empathy, and remorse, and bold disihibited, and egotistical traits.  It is sometimes considered synonymous with sociopathy."  I watch the emotions play out across his face and almost laugh at how many and how fast they pass.
   "I suppose that is a most adequate explanation..." he taps his chin thoughtfully.  "However, I'm not truly anti-social.  I haven't been able to be.  I mean," he snorts, "My position pretty much made it impossible."
   "Oh!" And my eyes widen, "So if you'd had the chance you'd totally have gone off on some crazy psycho murder spree?"
   The dark Fae King laughs heartily then, "Ohhhh...mo bhanrigh meadhan oidhche...most certainly...most certainly."
   Oyyyyy...too much.  Too fucking much.  First Walker, and now...well, this!  "Uhmmmm great, just great," I mutter, "I feel so much better now—not." I drop my head into my hands and groan.  Holy shit.  This was seriously way too much.  "Listen, can we...can we...go back to the part where you wanted to know why we were here in the first place?"
   "I suppose, if it will make you feel better."
   I blink, surprised.  "You give a shit?"
   "Pardon me?" The Dark Fae King says spottily and again, I almost laugh.
   "I said...You.  Give.  A. Shit?"
   The Dark Fae King turns to Chamuel and then to Terrenel.  The look on his face can only be described as perplexed.
   "Human vernacular meaning...do you really care for how she thinks and answers." Chamuel finally says grudgingly.
   The Dark Fae Kings eyebrows raise considerably and he taps his chin again before answering.  "Strangely, yes.  Yes.  I do.  I do, I suppose, give a...a...shit, as she said."
   It is so strange hearing the words from his mouth that I do actually laugh then.  "Oh my...oh my....oh my God," and I hold up my hand to Chamuel's sure to be disapproving look and words.  "Seriously, I don't need to hear it from you, angel boy, cause this shit is funny.  I mean...oh my God, hearing him say he gives a shit...that's like the best.  His voice is so snotty.  It's hysterical."
   "THAT is what you find amusing, my amour?"
   I blink, and then blink again.  "I'm sorry," I say, "Was I supposed to say something else?"  Chamuel and Terrenel share a heady look before their masks settle in place.  "Hey, hey. Don't do that. I don't like it." I gripe.
   "Do what, my amour?"
   I wave my hand in their direction, "That...that shit.  That whole communicating with your mind and cold and unfeeling stuff.  I don't like it."
   Chamuel snorts,  "Oh you don't like it, do you, my amour.  So of course, we should stop immediately.  But The Lord in heaven forbid, that if you do a similar action we should absolutely halt, and cease doing what we were doing.  We cannot risk possibly invading or hurting your delicate sensibilities."
Whoooooooooaaaaahhh.  Okaaaaay then.  It seemed that Chamuel and I had shit to deal with, some deep shit.  I wasn't soooo far gone that I didn't recognize the bitterness staining his words.
   "Chamuel," Terrenel's hand to his shoulder stops any more of his rant, "I do not believe this to be the place for this discussion.  Do not mistake me, my Heavenly friend, I do believe this discussion must be had, I just believe the time and place to be of question.  Do you hear me, my friend?"
   Chamuel blinks, and then blinks again.  And it is like watching him come back to himself.  "Ohhhh...ohhhh...my beloved, what did I say? Did I lose myself?"
   I draw back and snort, "Uhhhhmmm...you were like, really pissed, dude.  So yeah, if that falls into the category of 'losing yourself' then yeah, you totally lost yourself."
   "Will you not ease him at all, mo bhanrigh ghaisgeach." Terrenel says.
   I roll my eyes.  "Fine, fine...it didn't seem like you were yourself, Chamuel.  You got really angry.  Really fast."
   Chamuel runs his hand through his hair and sighs.  "I didn't seem...I didn't feel like myself, amour.  I was...I was...so angry all of a sudden.  I felt the need to rail against the world." He sighs, "There was so much fury inside of me."
Ugh.  I didn't want to feel badly for him.  It felt so much better just feeling pissed at him.  Crap.  Couldn't I just go back to feeling pissed at him.  I sigh and roll my eyes.
   "Fine. Fine.  Whatever.  You weren't yourself.  But, I'd kinda like to know why you weren't acting like yourself, dude.  It was totally strange.  You were seriously angry.  I could feel your anger biting at my skin like a million needles prickling my flesh. Not like you.  Not like you at all." I watch as he nods his beautiful head in agreement.
   "Ya know...I was sorta looking forward to seeing birdie bleed..." Walker's voice breaks in.  And I laugh.
   "Of course you were.  Seriously, of course you were.  God, you're a total nut." I mutter.
   "A loveable one," Walker bites back.
   I laugh harder.  God.  It was ridiculous.  He was a serious psychopath, but he was right.  He was loveable one.  A loveable psychopath. Jesus, what did that say about me?
   "Only that you understand people, my amour."
   "God, Chamuel.  Do I? Do I really though?  This..." And I thrust my hand out and motion outward, "This merry band of murderers is what I'm apparently bound to...Does that really mean that I understand them? Or does that mean, that I'm fucking stuck?" When he doesn't answer me, I have my answer.
   I lean back in my chair and shake my head.  "No.  No, Chamuel, don't think because I'm willing to 'shelve my shit,' that I'm okay with it.  I'm so far from okay with it, it isn't even funny."  I glare at all of them.  "I'm willing to put it all aside to get shit done, and solve this case.  But don't think, don't ever think that I'm okay with it...with any of it."
"You will be," Walker says smugly, crossing his legs.
"Excuse me?" I screech.
Walker shrugs his broad shoulders and laughs. "I said, darling...you will be."
    Well. Shit.