Free as a Jailbird

Chapter 42

What I love most about Nick's family is that there's never any tension. Nick loves his mother more than anything, taking care of her through those tough times when she remembers the horror they went through and goes a little nuts. He treats Kayla like a princess and she adores him. They're so close, it makes me feel privileged just to be around them.

Tonight is different, because tonight the tension comes from me.

I want to be around Nick, but eighty-five percent of my brain is full of images of Garcia and Lizzie and her poor dying mother and how this weekend, I will break their family apart. I hate myself for being so miserable when all I want to do is forget about my other life and focus on being with Nick. He makes me so happy.

We're curled up on his worn-down sofa with some reality TV show playing in the background. Maria is getting Kayla ready for bed. I pretend I'm interested in the television, aware that Nick is getting ready to ask me why I've been so quiet and distant lately.

"What's up Jess?" he whispers into my ear and when I look up, he surprises me with a soft, spine-tingling kiss that leaves me hungry for more. "You haven't been yourself tonight. All week, in fact."

I sigh. I know this too well.

"I thought we were at a point where we don't let our past and our background get between us."

"What do you mean?"

"You know. Me being a cop and you being a dirty criminal."

Normally I'd gasp and throw a punch at him, but he doesn't have any idea how true that description is. I am a dirty criminal. The other night I murdered someone in cold blood. And I'm about to do something so disgusting this weekend that he'll be calling me a dirty killer instead.

For the first time in our entire relationship, Nick is about to see me cry.

"Jess–" he mutters as I get up, not quick enough to stop the tears from falling from my eyes. "What's going on?"

I move down the hall into the bathroom, thinking about running out the front door. But Nick doesn't deserve that. I start madly wiping the tears away and then I see him in the reflection, leaning against the doorway.

"Can you please just talk to me?"

I sniff as I stare at myself in the mirror, at the person I've turned into and not the person I want to be. How am I still here with this amazing guy after the things I've done?

I suddenly realize it's time for me to end this. I hate even the thought of it but if I go down then I am not taking Nick and his family with me. The fear of Morrison getting anywhere near this house or doing what he did to Belle to Kayla or Maria sickens me. Their lives are worth far more than my happiness.

I turn to him, trying not to choke up, watching his forehead crease and those kind eyes sweep over mine without blinking. I can read them so easily. Maybe he can read mine too, because he already knows what I'm about to say.

"We're not doing this," he says firmly.

"Nick ... I love you–"

"Then don't say what you're about to say. Tell me why and we'll work through it together. Just don't–"

"I have to. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have."

He takes one stride and his body is pressed against mine. He grabs my arms and forces me backwards into the laundry. Before I can regain my balance, we're outside in his backyard – the first place we kissed – only now it's dark and gloomy. As soon as we're out of earshot of the house, he lets me go and starts to pace across the grass. It reminds me of the day we met when I thought he was going to arrest me and instead, he asked me out. But this isn't the same. This Nick is really angry.

"You know what I hate," he says with a humorless smile. "I hate how people seem to think that breaking up will hurt less than staying together and suffering the consequences."

"It does," I say and cross my arms. "Besides, you don't know the consequences–"

"Well you don't know how much I love you, Jess!" he bellows at me.

I stare at him. I'm not surprised by this but it still hits me like ball of fire. I never thought I'd find someone so wonderful and now I'm about to let him go. How crazy is that?

"That's why I need to do this Nick." Tears blur my eyes and Nick's figure wavers. "I can't keep drowning in this guilt that I'm poisoning you and your family. You might not think I am right now, but trust me ... you won't forgive me for what's going to happen."

He looks as if he wants to hold me and I wish he could just one more time. I wish we could share a kiss, I wish I could become wrapped in his embrace and feel protected from everything evil in my life and feel special, feel pure and cleansed. That's how he makes me feel. But I can't.

"If you're going to do this," he says, "that's it. I'm not waiting around for you to fix your life. You either stay with me and let me help you through this, or you leave. For good."

His words hurt more than a knife through my skin. I hate myself for doing this, I hate not being brave enough to face this together. I just can't stand to see his family go down. He'll understand after this weekend and he might even be relieved that I let him go.

I force myself to smile and look up at the sky, glittering with stars. "I never thought I'd say this but ... I'm glad you arrested me that day. You've change my life." I feel as if my heart is being torn out. Maybe I can leave it with Nick; he'll take better care of it than I would. "I hope you know how proud Maria is of you, and how much Kayla loves you. You're a great cop. You deserve to be happy."

He looks up and shakes his head. He doesn't say anything more and I see that as my window to leave. My hands shake as I walk past him and every inch of me wants him to call out to me, to tell me I'm being ridiculous and pull me back into his arms. He doesn't. That's a good thing.

On my way out of the house I hear Kayla begging Maria for a bedtime story. As I sneak past the staircase toward the front door, Maria says no and Kayla says, "can Jessie read me a story?"

I freeze up and am suddenly terrified to leave. I don't want to go back to Alice's, back to the East crew, back to walking around aimlessly and spending nights in jail. I don't want to be without Nick and his family.

"No sweetie," says Maria. "But maybe another night. It's time for bed. You can ask Jess in the morning okay?"

"Okay," says Kayla.

Icreep out the front door, wondering if tearing apart Lizzie's family will beharder than walking away from mine.