Fears

prologue

A few months back. . .

Ryan stared at the wooden frame of the bed above him. He sighed.

The last few months had been very conflicting for him. First, he never knew that he'd be back into drinking again. Second, he never knew that he'd kiss a boy. Third, he never knew that that same boy he kissed would become one of the closest people he ever had in his life.

It happened before the acquaintance party, an event the school hosted every year. The routine was always the same: stay out of it. Despite being the popular boy that everyone thought about, ironically parties never interested him.

He did different things during this free time he usually had. Most of the time, it would be catching up with the missed projects, or even better, sleeping.

But this year it was different, for obvious reasons.

Ryan found out about one of his soccer friends sneaking in a bunch of drinks. They were planning on skipping the party as well to have a party of their own.

Of course, he was interested. But when he saw the drinks, he knew he had to grab some. So he did, and when he returned, he began drinking on his own.

After two bottles, the world was already spinning out of control. He couldn't keep a straight mind. After another one, he felt no control. He laughed and talked to himself. His mouth kept rambling on and on. Ryan became super-aware of his surroundings. Why were they spinning? Why was talking? What is even happening?!

He was on his fourth bottle when Shaun came in. He closed the door and walked cautiously towards Ryan. When he spoke, his voice was an echo.

Ryaaan, don't tryyyyy to do shiiit with me, Shaun had said.

Then seconds later, he grabbed him and kissed him. Ryan couldn't do anything. He couldn't control himself. All he could do was watch it unfold.

And it was horrifying.

He snapped back to reality and sat up. "Shit, shit, shit. Not again," he told himself. It was silent, except for the constant whirring of the ceiling fan. He looked around the dark room and remembered the empty beds.

It was a Saturday. He was the only one in this room.

He exhaled more loudly this time. His shoulders relaxed.

And since no one was around. . .

Ryan stood up and retrieved another pillow from Gio's bed. He put it over the blanket as a disguise. Then he turned to the door and walked over to it. He checked the decoy once more and exited the room.

He looked around the hallway and was amazed at how quiet it was. It was never like this on the weekdays; there would still be people around, speaking in hushed voices. But not this time. Every weekend, sometimes it would be this quiet, if there were fewer people staying.

Ryan turned to left and walked over to the glass door that led to a small balcony. He checked on the other closed doors that led to different rooms. Then he reached into his pockets, pulled out the phone, and checked the time. 11:34 pm.

He put it back to his pocket and opened the glass door. He felt the cold wind brush against his face as he closed the door. Ryan took a deep breath. On the left was a ladder leading up to somewhere where he could be at peace.

He held a rung and began to climb. He stopped midway to open the trapdoor. To anyone else, it would be locked, but it was easy to open. Ryan lifted it up as he ascended the ladder. He closed the door gently, making sure not to alarm anyone.

After the last rung, he climbed off and stood up. The rooftop had a perimeter where the roof was flat, but the rest rose, forming a triangle. Ryan made his way around to the front of the dorm building, where the entrance was, and sat down. His feet dangled freely on the ledge.

He relaxed and smiled to himself. He felt freer here, at the highest point in the school. There was so much things in the sky to explore and so many thoughts to ponder on.

Five minutes passed when the phone buzzed in his pocket. Ryan ignored it at first, but it became insistent, so he took it out.

It was his mother.

His brow furrowed as he stared at the phone with disdain. Never had he received a call from his mom or, in fact, his parents at all. This was a first for him.

Curious, he accepted the call.

"Ma?" he spoke.

"Ryan, why aren't you asleep yet?" she asked sharply. Even if he wasn't with her, her voice still carried an aura of authority, like everything had to bend their will to make sure her path to heaven would be easy.

"I'll hang up then," he responded nonchalantly, like he always did when it came to her. "Since I should be sleeping."

She sighed. "Don't leave yet. I have, er, something to talk about. . .concerning you."

His heart thumped faster. What did he do wrong this time?

"I know you're enjoying your new school. I can practically tell."

He rolled his eyes. He barely told her anything.

"But. . .but I heard some. . .some rumors that confirmed my worst fears—

"What do you mean?" Ryan answered. Then he caught the drift. "You know about me being kidnapped?!"

She was silent for a while. "I—yes, yes I do. And I'm afraid that you can't keep yourself. I—I hate to say this, but I'm afraid we should transfer you to a new school, dear."

"What?! Why?!"

"Stop acting like a child!" she hissed. "You are not safe there and I'm trying to protect you! By the end of the school year, we will withdraw you from the school. And this time, you even get to pick a school of your liking!"

"But ma—!" he retorted.

"No more questions!" she screamed. "You are not safe there anymore and I need to make sure that you still are! From now on, you will be under close supervision by us and your guardian."

She took a deep breath and sighed, composing herself. "I understand that you like to be more. . .free, but this is for your own good."

Ryan wanted to protest, but there was no use. If she called to inform him about something like this, the decision was already final.

He swallowed. "Fine, Ma."

"Good. I hope you're doing well in your studies!" she chirped. "Toodles!" Then the call ended.

He exhaled and looked at the sky. He wouldn't be this close to sky anymore. . .

But his mind went to a different thought: How should I tell Shaun?

He stared listlessly at the stars, which offered no answers to his troubles. Maybe. . .maybe I'll tell him soon, by the end of the school year.

For the first time in a long time, the stars didn't give him hope that night.