I am his

52

Restless and unable to find solace in sleep, my mind was a tempest of memories from the past. With a heavy sigh, I reached for a cigarette, tossing my shirt aside, and stared at my reflection in the mirror. The tears in my eyes blurred the image, but I couldn't tear my gaze away from the hauntingly glowing ember at the cigarette's end...

Sitting on the floor, I wiped my eyes to clear my vision, only to be met with the suffocating reality of my emotions. The tears continued to flow, but I tried to divert my attention by focusing on the cigarette's ashy remains.

Suddenly, an impulsive decision took over me, and I pressed the burning cigarette to the back of my hand, feeling the searing pain as it etched its mark on my skin. "Fuck," I whispered, regretting the impetuous act. I rubbed the leftover ash between my fingers, almost as if trying to feel something tangible amidst the chaos within.

Attempting to regain composure, I placed the cigarette on the ashtray and tried to distract myself, yet my mind kept drifting back to Naomi, and the tears returned unbidden. "Why am I fucking crying?" I murmured, raising my arms in frustration, inadvertently catching a glimpse of Mia as she entered with a cookie.

Suppressing my initial inclination to lash out, I reminded myself that she didn't deserve to bear the brunt of my inner turmoil. "Can you fuck off," I whispered, attempting to shield her from my vulnerability, as my gaze returned to the mirror.

Her concern was evident, even in the face of my coldness. "Are you okay, Kaden? Naomi went home, her mom needed to talk to her," Mia said, a hint of worry in her voice.

My defenses crumbled slightly, and I turned to face her, my anger and pain venturing to the surface. "Did you come in here to watch me in pain, is that it, Mia? I'm sad, okay? Can't you just leave me alone," I sighed, defeated.

As she held her ground, I regretted my outburst and the way I had treated her. "Okay, well, you don't have to be such a dick all the time," she retorted, her anger evident.

But my pain and frustration were unyielding. "Well, I'm a dick, okay? I ruin everything... I've ruined her," I whispered, the weight of my own shortcomings sinking in.

She tried to comprehend, "You mean Naomi?"

"Yes, I mean Naomi," I confessed, feeling the weight of my words. "She was perfect before I entered her life again. She could have been doing better things, but instead, she's worrying about the boy next door who had issues," I spoke, my anger giving way to a sense of self-disgust.

Mia's voice softened as she attempted to reach out, "You don't have to act like you aren't in pain, Kaden. Everyone feels pain... Dad tol-"

"You got your dad, Mia. I never had time with mine. You had the perfect life... a mother and a fucking father... my father... YOU HAD MY FATHER," I erupted, revealing my deepest source of anguish.

Her face contorted, and the air thickened with tension. "Well, it's not my fault Dad didn't want to stay with you because clearly, I can see why," she shot back, her own frustration palpable.

In the midst of our heated argument, Mia's words cut through the air like a knife. It was as if we were two completely different puzzle pieces, refusing to fit together. Our father, a figure we should have shared memories of, had become a divisive force, tarnishing our perspectives with opposing shades of emotion.

But Mia seemed determined to protect her rose-tinted image of him. "I haven't done anything to you, you're the one who hated me from day one," she retorted, her voice tinged with frustration.

The words fell like a bombshell, shaking the foundation of my heart. How could she believe that? If only she knew the depths of pain I had endured, the emotional scars etched into my soul by our father's abuse. He was a master of hiding his cruelty, reserving it only for me, leaving Mia untouched by his sinister hand.