Find a Penny, Pick Her Up

Chapter 18

I spotted Justin from my position at our lunch table; he was sitting at his own table in the South side, Hampton no where to be seen. Justin's usual friends sat around him. 

Jess waving a hand in front of my eyes. 

"What are you looking at?" she asked, taking a bite of her sandwich and munching slowly. 

"I need to talk to Justin," I said, my heart thudding against my chest. I'd hope he'd listen. 

Jess stopped chewing, swallowing hard. "Do you mean Hampton?" 

"What? No," I shook my head, raising from our table. "Be right back." I sped off without a second glance, trying to ignore the swirling feelings in my tummy. Dr. Yao told me to be direct with Justin, and be generous enough to give him room to talk. She also gave me some tips on controlling the anxiety I'd get when approaching danger zones like the South side, but I was still working on that. Breath in, breath out. In, out. In, out- I stopped at his table, ignoring the eyes of the guys that used to be our friends. 

"Hey," I said. Justin looked up, taken back from my sudden burst of confidence that hadn't been seen in months. 

"Hi," he said. That was Justin; as much as I hurt him at the bonfire, he would put it aside and acknowledge that what I was doing was a big step for me. The Mets were sitting at the table beside them, and even they looked up to witness the latest piece of drama for the day. Annie's cool blue eyes skimmed the situation, and I half-expected her to stand and tell me to get lost, but she sat with no malice, and simply watched. If my heart wasn't beating a million miles a second, I would've stopped and appreciated the peaceful moment. 

"Can we talk?" I stared into his calm eyes. The same eyes I fell for freshman year, when he asked me to Sal's Creamery and paid for my vanilla bean and blackberry swirl. Every time. 

He held my gaze for a moment, contemplating to even give me the time of day, but nodded and rose from his seat. His friends made not-so-quiet remarks, but I turned and led the way regardless. I wasn't expecting to be treated nicely. We walked out of the lunch room, down a hallway and out the exit door. We ended up behind the school, and looking around, I could've slapped myself at the place I'd brought him to. We were at our make out spot. 

He snickered to himself. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't even think about it-" he stopped me with a slight shake of his head. I crossed my arms over my chest, then freed them and leaned against the wall. I mentally prepped my next words, silence stretching between us. 

"What do you want to talk about? I have class in ten minutes," he said. 

"I just," I paused, ditching perfection and deciding to just speak. "I'm sorry for never giving you the chance to talk to me." He blinked. "For never letting you console me after Jack. And for never checking in on you. . ." I trailed off, and he dipped his head. "I know he was your friend, too." I took a deep breath. "I broke up with you initially because I told myself it wasn't fair for me to bring you down with me. . .but I think the real reason is that I hated myself too much to even think about loving you."

"Why didn't you let me help you?" he asked. 

"All I could think about was what I'd done," I said. "When people started hating me too, it was just. . .too much to handle." Justin pressed his lips together. "I should've talked to you the way I'm talking to you now, and I know I'm way late, but," I shrugged, giving a watery smile, "I'm here now." 

He put his fingers to the bridge of his nose, squeezing, and letting go. "I can't imagine what that night was like for you. And I'm sorry for not coming out-"

"No," I said forcefully. "What I said to you at the bonfire was wrong. Don't ever be sorry for not stopping me, because I chose to drive all on my own. That was all me."

He looked suddenly angry, muttering, "I'm sure Annie had a lot to do with it." 

I shook my head. "It was still my choice." He didn't respond, jaw clenched. 

I paused for what I was about to say, not wanting him to take it the wrong way, but it had to be said. "I really was in love with you. I don't want you to ever doubt that." Justin lifted his sweet eyes to mine, taking a step forward and beginning to close the gap between us. 

"I still love you," he said, and it gave me chills. I never thought I'd hear those words from his mouth again, and it nostalgically felt good. But presently, it felt wrong. He began to reach out to me, taking me in a soft hug. My arms snaked around his back, clutching him. The hug felt like it was long overdue, but while something about it felt good, it also felt foreign. Justin pulled back slightly, his mouth grazing the top of my ear. His hands found my sides, pulling me closer. He tipped my mouth to his, lips coming close to mine, until I put a hand on his forearm and pulled back. His arms were still on my sides, but loosened in their grip. 

 "I can't kiss you," I said, shaking my head. 

"Why?" 

"I think too much has happened between us."

"We can make it better. I know we can," Justin said, his voice offering an ounce of hope that I didn't have myself. 

"Justin," I started. "I don't feel that way towards you, anymore." He dropped his hands, sighing through his nose. "I need to figure out so many things, and it can't start like this." It took a moment, but his gaze softened.

"Have you talked to Annie about what happened with Jack?" 

I blinked, getting whiplash from the sudden change in subject. "No," I said. "Why?"

"I think it would help," was all he said, but there was no way I was going to approach Annie, then ask to sit down and have a kumbaya. He hugged me again, but it felt different this time. Less soft. Quicker. He put a hand to the back of my head, kissing my forehead. "I'm glad we talked. Friends?" 

"Of course," I said, and when he entered back through the door, a little piece of the weight on my shoulders chipped a little. And I felt better.