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L A S T T I M E S "how do we know which goodbyes are truly endings?"
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THE IMPOSSIBLE THINGS ABOUT LAST times is that all too often, they slip by unnoticed. Like a precious jewel through a storm drain. How can we be sure which time will be the last? How do we know which goodbyes are truly endings?
Oftentimes, as a child, I mistook dragonflies for fairies, but I cannot seem to recall the last instance in which I saw an angel in an insect. I suppose it's because every moment of false magic was just as wonderful and indiscernible as the last. And I wonder, the very last tooth I lost, was it a molar or a canine? What was the last word of the last book my mother read aloud to me? When did he last tell me he loved me and meant it?
If I had known such lovely customs would never occur again, I would've stared harder at that last dragonfly, studied the last tooth, held onto the last word, memorized the feeling of his palms on my face. I would've memorized it all. From the way he said my name, down to the way he smiled.
But the cracks in the consciousness have swallowed up my pictures of the past, and all I'm left with is a collection of unfinished stories. Of jewels drowned in sewers.
Of forgotten last times.
I guess now all he is, is a memory in the past. A memory never to be touched again. But I haven't forgotten him. How could I? If I knew I would never get to love or be loved by him again, I would've photographed every time his smile made me smile.
But now he's gone. No longer apart of my life, but forever grateful he was at some point.
But oh how I wish he would come back. I thought he would at times. But he's all in the past. Our first kiss, our first "i love you", our first date, our first everything. It's all gone.
our first kiss
I still remember it like it was yesterday. Drew and I had been filming for hours, and it was nearly midnight. We sat on the beach peacefully, talking about plain nothing and just having a good time.
The sound of the ocean filled my ears—the crash against the sand, and the draw back in. The glow of the moon and stars were the only things lighting up our faces, lighting up his face oh-so-perfectly.
He was like the sea; the tide always pulling me back to him.
He had looked at me, as I was studying the stars carefully.
"Y/n?" He had said, and I turned my head to look at him. And then he kissed me. He closed the gap in between us, and his lips were warm on mine. They felt comforting, and desperate to receive the same desperation he was pouring out on me. So I returned it. And suddenly it felt like no one else was there. It felt like the whole world stopped.
It felt so nice, almost heavenly, to have his lips on mine, moving in sync against one another. And I remember he pulled away first, flashing a small smirk at me before kissing me again.
our first I love you.
We were sitting on his couch, and it was late at night. I was nearly asleep, but the only thing keeping me awake was the fact that he was next to me.
Then he just blurted it out.
"I'm so in love with you." He had said, and suddenly I was wide awake, full with love. And I knew he had meant it from the way his breath hitched, as if he was nervous I wasn't gonna say it back. And the way his eyes lit up when I did say it back.
"I love you more, Drew." I said, after I had sat up to face him.
It was something so simple, yet it felt like everything. It felt as though it was straight out of a book.
But now it's all gone. I'll never get to tell Drew how much I love him again, or get to hold or to kiss him. It's all in the past. Eventually to be forgotten.
AUTHOR SPEAKING !! hey it's been a hot minute lmao. Sorry I haven't updated in so long! But I'm back and better than ever. this one was inspired by a poem I saw on TikTok. anyways hope y'all enjoy :)
