one day i began to think

disappear

sometimes, I think about.. running away.

I used to want to a lot a few years ago, where I didn't want to exist in the environment I was stuck in.. but I wasn't old enough to fend for myself on my own and make that kind of decision, knowing if that's what i truly wanted. so, i was able to find reasons to stay then.. i thought it would be selfish to leave everyone behind..

I'm turning 18 here in a few months, the days keep grazing by faster where I'm aging towards adulthood. no longer legally considered a child.. i've been faced through a significant amount of terribleness in life. didn't have much of a childhood to begin with. i was forced to grow up. and it's not something to brag about.. i'm not proud of it. jealous actually that i didn't get to have as much as others did and how i'm further than everyone else my age. it just feels like no one completely understands me and the way i value things..

i look at it like it's too short to be caught up in something that doesn't matter. in a split second my life can be turned around, it has happened too many times already.. so i tried to take advantage of each second i get to spend with the people i love, doing what i love.. because i have no idea when it'll end. in whatever way it might, i don't want it to be ripped from me and me not be able to say that it lived it's purpose. i want to be able to let it go from me, and be satisfied with everything accomplished.

recently.. everything has been pulled out from underneath me.. every reason to stay. i only thought i had to because i didn't want to hurt everyone around me. i thought everyone would miss me too much, i thought i would make a mistake leaving everything and everyone carrying the burden of my exit. i felt like i was cared enough about to stay.. i fell in love. i made new, close friends. i wanted to fix my family.

now.. it's all gone.

my boyfriend dumped me for someone new, that love that saved me from fleeing is now what kills me. apparently i was wrong about everything in our relationship, blinded by everything because.. i loved him so much, and i'm not sure if i want that love to turn into hate because of everything that he's done to deliberately hurt me.. but still i can't imagine myself with someone new and knowing i'm going to have to learn.. hurts me more than anything. he said he couldn't care less that i'm not in his life anymore.. so i might as well satisfy him with this..

my friendships, everything is repeating last year. i was so invested in my relationship that my friends don't care to be around me as much anymore. they have gotten closer to her again.. everyone choosing her again. and here i am, left to cry in my car where no one is watching so no one asks me what's wrong. i just feel like everyone is against me, even my best friend. where i feel like she has no interest in my part of her life, and it would go unnoticed if i slipped out of it. if i don't have her, i have nothing.. i am nothing. no one NEEDS me like i need them. no one bends backwards to make plans for me like i do for them anymore.. they've all moved on from me. they prefer her.. and i don't want to be around to watch it..

my family is a mess, and the only person i talked to about it is out sharing those secrets i trusted them with.. so i keep everything in now. bottle it all up inside. afraid of my trust being broken again after the countless amounts of times before. my parents are hanging by a thread. i'm afraid almost everyday something severe is going to happen. wake up to my dad never waking up again. come home to find out my mom leaving us. they've told me since i was young that the only reason they put up with each other and the constant fighting is because of me.. they don't want to split because they don't want to do that to me. my mom says that she's in constant pain trying to deal with their broken marriage and all of the faults that lie between the cracks, she says she's always trying to get away, but knows she can't because i'm still here. my dad says that if i were never born.. none of this mess would've happened.. my parents would've been able to split years ago and be happier apart.. but because of me he feels the burden of them falling apart everyday. i'm the one thing that keeps them like this.. i don't want my parents to divorce.. but i know i hold the blame of their unhappiness and if i just.. disappeared.. they'd be happy again. if i weren't around.. it'd be for the better.. that's what they would want..

everything i had to hold me back.. is now what's pushing me away. makes me think i'm a waste of space.. that no one would care if i left. it would only make everyone happier. maybe, the pain of me gone would sting- but only temporarily. after the tension has passed, so will the memory of me and everyone will just move on with their lives because that's what is more important. the world still spins. nothing changes. nothing big enough to hold on to.

i have nothing left for me here.. everything i do here only causes hurt. whether i hurt those close too me because i simply loved them too much.. or i was blindsided and betrayed and i'm the one who has to clean up the mess of my shattered heart.. over.. and over again.

why stay..

i'm ready to be done here. ready to let all that hurts me go and be somewhere more peaceful, somewhere that i'm untouched by all of this. somewhere i finally have nothing to hurt me. and that's all.. that's where i want to go. no one will be able to find me. no one will want to. i can just go.. and be free.

i don't want to be here anymore.. i'm not sure how much longer i will be.

_____