Mystery Child

Chapter Eleven

        I have been contemplating the existence of Heaven. Or at least the idea of what happens to us after we die. It has been a topic I have avoided for the last few years, but in the past few weeks, it’s the only thing I can seem to think about. Carlisle has a surprising number of books on the topic. Whether or not he has noticed that I have been taking them is beside the point. Most of my days have been spent hiking through the forest surrounding the Cullen Residence and finding places to read. Since I decided to stay Edward has not said more than a few words to me at a time. Although there are moments where I catch him staring as if he is trying desperately to read my mind. Everyone else is civil, but they all seem to not know what to say to me. It’s fine, I have nothing to say to them in return. By the time I have finished the breakfast the Esme insists on cooking for me my tolerance for meaningless small talk has been filled.

              That’s how I found myself where I am now. Sitting at the bank of this beautiful river miles from the house. My bare feet soaking in the cool water with my jeans pulled up as far as they could go onto my calves. When I left the house, the air was bitter, and the was ground covered in frost. Now just a few hours later the temperature had raised by at least twenty degrees causing me to strip down to my first layer and leave my jacket and overshirt abandoned onto a fallen tree branch.

              A book on the idea of reincarnation sat in my lap; my fingers holding the pages open as I sat with my eyes closed. My contemplation on the afterlife had left me with nothing but more questions. Do the souls of our loved ones reincarnated based on their Karma in the life they lived previously? Is everyone trapped in this world after death, watching over the people they left behind? Or do they go to another world after this one? Judged on whether they were good or bad, whether they should go to Heaven or Hell.

              With what little hope I had left in me I begged for Heaven. I liked the idea of my mom being in some beautiful paradise with no pain whatsoever. It almost made me cry at the thought of her reunion with Grandpa Charlie. After everything she deserved Heaven. I also liked the idea that she could still see me. Look out for me in some way or another. With my luck, however, nothing happens after we die. It’s just a big black nothing, and everything you were fades out of existence.

              Still, I think I am going to hope for Heaven. It’s not like I will ever get to see if it is a disappointment. As far as I’m aware I am immortal just like my father and probably damned all the same. I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle. How morbid. Most people would be a little happier on their birthday.

              Especially on the eighteenth birthday. I am officially an adult. Except for the feelings of happiness for adulthood, others have seemed to have skipped me completely. Adulthood, eternity, seemed extremely intimidating as I entered it without my mom.

              It’s ironic, I had spent the last few days dreading today. I was convinced that somehow The Cullen’s would find out and I would be expected to celebrate, but when I woke up this morning it was like every other day. It seemed that good things could happen to me after all. If my mom were still here, she would be throwing a fit. She always made a point to have a big celebration for my birthday even though she would be furious if we tried to do the same for her. I think it was to make up for the week before. My birthday always seemed to bring back bad memories for her. It seems fitting, however, that I avoid celebrating my first birthday without her.

              I am content to sit out here all day, reading about the afterlife and listening to the sounds of the forest around me. What was one missed birthday when there are thousands ahead of me? At least out here, I don’t have to be on my guard. I am far enough out to not have every small movement be heard by the rest of the Cullen family.

              It was about an hour later when I came to the end of my book. Like all the books before the ending was left open and up for interpretation. Closing the book I set it to the side, making a point to make sure there was no chance of it falling into the water. Standing I take a few steps trying to stretch out my sleepy limbs. My ability to sit in one position for hours is a trait I got from my father, the fact that my body hates me afterward was something I got from my mother.

              Bending down I attempt to stretch out the complaining muscles in my back. Doing so I let my hands move through the water before me. I never spent much time playing in the water as a child; It was always too cold to do so. Today the way the stream weaves through my fingers is almost relaxing, and I can’t help but smile as I watch the tadpoles swim along with the current. When I had arrived, I was so focused on reading my books that I never stopped to see how lively this little oasis was. I almost find myself jealous of the tadpoles here. They just move from one place to another with the current. No dead mom, no absentee vampire family, no expectations, and no lingering thoughts of death.

              Straightening up I look at the sky and take a few deep breaths. When did this become my life? Who decided that I should be the one to deal with this? I don’t believe in Karma; I don’t think I can. What terrible thing could I have done to deserve all of this? Maybe just the fact that I exist is enough. A strange creation; half-human and half-vampire. I wasn’t supposed to be able to exist, and yet here I am.

              In an act of desperation, I begin to strip off my tank top, and I step out of the stream long enough to remove my jeans. There in just my underwear, I lay in the water facing towards the sky. It is not deep enough to envelop me higher than slightly over my legs and the low part of my stomach. My hair squirms around me, making me feel like a person out of a painting. I feel as the stream moves around me, a constant flow of movement that calms my sudden feelings. I stare at the small bits of sky through the coverage of the tree.

              It was a light blue, a rare occurrence both here and back home. Every once in a while, a white puffy cloud will pass over my eye line. With each puffy white cloud comes a gust of wind that traces itself along the parts of my body uncovered by water. I shiver each time the mix of the cool air and water slowly makes me colder. I should get out of the water, but I can’t bring myself to do so. It is so peaceful here, and the way the water runs over me almost feels like a hug.

              “I love you mom,” I whisper out to no one. I feel like if I don’t say it enough, I will forget, that maybe if I don’t remind myself of how much I love her, how much I miss her that It will slowly fade over time. As the words leave my mouth a cloud passes over the sky and the wind blows over me. It’s nothing, just a simple coincidence, but at the moment, I allow myself to pretend. The wind blowing is my mother whispering a message to me from Heaven.

              I love you too my sweet girl, happy birthday.