Old one

Distance

Theo hasn't been nicer nor talkative and I'm really starting to think he's falling out of love. Theo would never cheat on me...but he would fall out of love. I didn't even believe him for weeks that he loves me in the first place so him falling out of it would makes sense for me.

It has only been a week and I realize how much I need him. I need someone who I know loves me. I know I have the best three boys by my side but Theo gives me the other kind of love. I got so used to his smell, his voice, his touches that I physically and mentally can't without him. I know that's not good because you should never be that depended on someone but I honestly needed that. I needed to know that I'm lovable and that there's nothing wrong with me.

Since he's acting like we had a fight I got much worse. I tried talking with him but all he does is "assuring" me that nothing's wrong and continuing being distant. I fall asleep so late because all I can think about is him and what I did wrong. I couldn't eat which I don't do anyways but I couldn't even eat a fruit or something little because every time I try there's this thought he thinks I'm ugly, that I'm getting fat and I'm too disgusting for him to even get close to me.

I know that's probably not true but my mind does what it wants and it's really good at manipulating.

Theo and Tyler somehow switched rolls. Theo's more quiet and watches more and Tyler talks way more with me and gives me more attention. That isn't good though, it's not what they are and it's not how I want them to be. Tyler is acting so much happier since Theo and I don't talk much and it's freaking me out.

I know he wasn't a fan of us at the beginning but he started to accept it and was happy for me. But the more time I spent with Theo, the more hate Tyler developed. It's like he's happy that we're not talking.

I never really understood why he's so weird when I talk with boys. I know he wants to protect me and only wants the best for me but sometimes it's too much. I know he's afraid of losing me and he knows that he'll never lose me, yet he's still scared of it.

You have to know that Tyler and I always had a really strong connection because we share the same story. The abusive parent story. We first met in the bus on our way to our first summer trip. He had a couple bruises and I had massive eye bags which you can't compare but both were the results of abuse. I thought he had some school fights and he thought I was so excited for the trip that I didn't sleep.

Throughout the trip we somehow connected really fast and when I accidentally heard one of the conversations between him and Paul, talking about his dad we got even closer. At the time I hadn't had an issue with my dad. It was my mum who was sort of abusive towards me. She didn't really hit me but she talked down on me, insulted me, embarrassed me in front of others and controlled me on a daily basis. God she was so bellicose. At the end of the day we both knew what abuse was and helped each other.

Over the time I noticed how much he wants to protect me so I asked Justin why. He told me that Tyler once told him that I allegedly saved him. Unfortunately he couldn't „save" me from going lower and I developed bigger mental issues which is why he got even more protective.

I really understand the fear of loosing someone but I'm in good hands especially when it comes to Theo which is why I don't believe he's just being protective because he doesn't want to loose me.

If the boys are acting weird I normally hang out with Liv so I called her. We thankfully started bonding again. She still has to get used to the situation and I catch her worryingly looking at me sometimes but I'm used to these looks.

We were hanging out the other day and had no clue what to do so she suggested grabbing food but immediately face palmed herself after saying it. I just laughed because she felt so bad. As long as nobody says it on purpose everything's fine.