MATEO || bxb

- 7 -

| Camden |

"Hi Jonas," I said when I finally found the table he was sat at.

He looked up recognising his name on my lips and looked just as uncomfortable as I felt.

"Hey," was all he said as I took a seat opposite him. He had a cup of coffee before him, and I wondered if it was a macchiato. He always used to get them from what I recalled and on especially hot days he'd make or buy an iced version.

"Macchiato?" I guessed out loud.

"That's right," he nodded taking another sip.

I remember the days when his lips touched mine and in those moments, I could forget anyone else. It was always when we were being intimate that I thought only of him. And that had been the case with almost everyone I had been intimate with. Mateo didn't even exist in those quiet moments I shared with other people.

Now when I thought of someone's hands on me, I remembered that man. The feeling of him penetrated through every quiet moment that I imagined with other people. Even as I thought of me and Jonas and the way he used to cradle the back of my neck as we kissed, I felt that man's hands on neck instead pushing me down into the mattress.

"Umm, I'm sorry Jonas," I said making sure to start with the apology. I only hoped that whatever I said afterwards wouldn't sound like an excuse.

"But?" he asked raising his eyebrows. It was clear he thought little of me now and I hated myself for letting things get this way.

"No buts. I'm just sorry."

"Right. Well, are you at least gonna explain what the fuck happened? Did I do something?" He was leaning back against his chair now, arms crossed, and I wondered how much he hated me.

"No. You didn't do anything. I just..."

"Lost feelings and then was too much of a coward to tell me I guess." I was a coward.

"I... no I didn't lose feelings. Just, something happened and the thought of being with you started to feel...," I desperately searched for a word that didn't insult him. "Overwhelming, I guess. And kind of scary."

"What happened?" he questioned because of course he would, and he had every right to. I just didn't want to tell him exactly what it was, and I didn't know how to go about this anymore. Maybe I should have left things between us how they were. I just hoped that I could stop hurting him if we had this conversation but maybe in the end it would only make things worse.

"I... I'd really rather not say."

Jonas looked concerned now and I couldn't meet his eyes anymore so settled on staring at the table finding it suddenly so much more fascinating than anything else I'd seen in my life.

"Something happened to you?" Jonas guessed. I just nodded because what else could I do. "Something bad?" he asked quieter this time. I nodded again. "Cam," he said reaching out to place in his hand on mine to stop my nervous tapping. "I've been very upset by what you did to me, but if you were just trying to cope with something horrible that happened to you, I can understand that. You can talk to me if you need to."

"I can't talk about it," I whispered hoping he'd understand.

People think it's so easy sometimes to open up about the horrible things that have happened in your past, as long as they show you that they're there to support you. But sometimes it feels harder to tell someone you know that cares about you. I think if a perfect stranger came up to me and asked, I could tell them, but how could I tell the people in my life that I loved.