Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer

Part 45

45

"Today we'll take the dressings off your hands. Your fingers should have almost healed up by now." Nurse Judith sounded really pleased at the prospect. She started pulling the curtains around the bed, the rings scraping on the rail. "You, out." I looked up to find the nurse glaring at me, jabbing her finger at the door.

I was sitting fairly comfortably in the visitor's chair beside Caitlin's bed. We were watching a Simpsons rerun on her TV and every time she laughed my heart felt a little lighter.

Caitlin had barely spoken to me in three days, except when it was absolutely necessary, but this morning it seemed like she'd decided to forgive me a little. At least, she'd thanked me with a smile for helping her with breakfast. I still held out hope that she'd be happy to have me here in hospital with her – maybe having her hands healed and whole would help. Hell, it'd make me feel better to know she was less helpless.

I stood up so that I could look down on the grumpy nurse.

She had no excuse to kick me out this time. Baring Caitlin's hands was hardly R-rated, especially as I'd seen them in a far worse state than they'd be in today. In a month, her fingers had almost healed straight. I wanted to be there to celebrate with her, if she'd let me.

I glanced at Caitlin to see if there was the slightest chance that she agreed with the nurse. If she didn't want me here, that was different.

Caitlin looked at me fearfully, her eyes widening as panic seized her. "No, I want Nathan to stay," she managed to say. Her eyes said please when her mouth was silent.

With a slight nod to Caitlin and a shrug to the blonde nurse, I sat down again. Caitlin leaned closer to me and I placed an arm lightly on the pillows behind her, around but not quite touching her shoulders, ready to take it away if she objected. To my surprise, she relaxed into my embrace as she held out her hands to the nurse. "Do it," Caitlin said, swallowing hard. I felt her tense as the nurse took hold of her right hand, the one farther away from me.

The nurse freed Caitlin's hands as if she were eagerly unwrapping a fragile gift while wanting to preserve the paper. She peeled the gauze away with deft fingers and pulled off the splints. I almost didn't realise when Caitlin's fingers were bare. I thought I was looking at another layer of bandages. Pale, thin and white, her fingers were like brittle, petrified sticks of driftwood.

Nurse Judith's hands were as pale as her complexion, but they looked in the pink of health beneath Caitlin's damaged digits. I ached to hold Caitlin's delicate hand in mine, but I couldn't say why.

"Okay, let's see how well you can move these. Just bend them, one at a time," the nurse coaxed.

I held my breath, my eyes on each finger as it curled up like a salted slug before straightening again. Her thumb looked fine, as did her index finger…only her middle finger provoked a grimace of pain as Caitlin tried to curl it into her palm.

"Good," cooed the nurse, nodding her approval. "Well, four out of five healing perfectly is good. You might have trouble with that middle one, but I'm sure you won't need it. You might even be nicer to us nurses…"

Caitlin's face broke into a beaming smile as she flipped the finger at the nurse.

Nurse Judith looked put out. "Maybe not."

Caitlin laughed. "I'm always nice to nurses, except when they tell me I'm not going to recover. I'll be fine. You'll see."

The nurse sighed. "Yup, another arrogant doctor." She held out her hand and Caitlin placed her left hand in the grumpy woman's clutches.

She rested her right hand on the sheet, where it blended in like a pale spider. I fought the urge to take her hand in mine as she wiggled her fingers absently.

"And the other hand?" Nurse Judith asked expectantly.

Both Caitlin and I looked at her fragile left hand. This time she bent all her fingers at once, like a spider curling up to die, before spreading them out straight again. Some of them didn't straighten completely. "Some stiffness," she mused. "But better." She placed both hands side by side in her lap. "Physio with finger exercises next. Won't that be fun!" She moved her fingers, simulating typing on a keyboard.

Soon she'll be able to type up her own nightmares. She won't need my help and I'll have to ask her to tell me before she shoos me away. Soon. I didn't know whether to be happy for her freedom or sad for mine.

"Here, I'll help you wash your hands," I heard Nurse Judith say, bringing my mind back to the two women in front of me.

The nurse carefully wiped Caitlin's hands with a face washer from the bathroom and helped her dry them on a towel. She threw them both into a bag for dirty linen in the corner and leaned in closer to Caitlin. "Do you want me to go see if I can get some bubbly from the kitchen?"

Caitlin shook her head. "I don't believe there's any alcohol for drinking in a hospital."

Nurse Judith winked. "There is – for the candlelight dinners in the maternity ward. I'll go get you some and you can toast having your hands back!"

She headed out of the room.

I shifted out of the visitor's chair and perched on the edge of Caitlin's bed. She had a big smile on her face as she looked down at her hands.

I couldn't help smiling – I'd never seen her look so happy. "Congratulations," I said.

She lifted her eyes so she smiled at me. She held out her hands as if she was drying nail polish. Her hands were trembling a little and I reached out to take hers in mine.

Words couldn't describe how relieved I was that her hands had healed okay. I wanted to shake her hand, but even the slightest pressure of my fingers had her trying to pull out of my grasp, so I stopped. Lightheaded, I did something silly. I touched my lips to the back of first one hand, then the other. Her hands were warm and moist, like I imagined her lips would feel after she'd just had a sip of coffee.

Caitlin laughed, breaking into my reverie, her eyes puzzled. "What was that for?" she asked.

I forced a smile, trying to make my tone light. "I'm not sure. It just seemed like the right thing to do."

And now what I want to do most is kiss you properly, but not on your hands. That's a stupid idea and I'm going to look away 'til I get it out of my head. I let go of her and turned away to look out of the window. I looked in vain for the spider in her corner web, but all I saw was the image of Caitlin's ghostly hands spread across my vision, finally free.