I look at the pile of bills on the table and I feel like I am about to throw up. It is a visual representation of my life going all to pot. It's good that it's still warm but as soon as the summer ends, we need to turn on the heating as Lily hates the cold and the gas bill will definitely skyrocket beyond what i can afford to pay.
Four years ago, I had my life all figured out. I just graduated from Uni and was about to start a job when I found out I was pregnant with Lily. Somewhere in between I got married and I got widowed. Now, I am a single mom with a 2 year old daughter, unemployed, and about to lose her mind.
Don't get me wrong. I have no regrets. I don't regret keeping Lily or saying yes to Henry when he asked me to marry him after we found out we're expecting.
Life threw a curve ball with the accident but it's fate.
I wipe my tears as I saw Lily signing for milk. She's two and we should stop breasfeeding and start on the bottle plus more solids but I can't afford it right now.
I also have to prepare for her future. I need to save up because she needs special education given she is deaf.
"Yes, honey, mummy's coming." I whisper as I sign to assure her.
I found out Lily was deaf a few months after Henry's accident. I had a feeling but the tests only confirmed it. I had to learn how to sign so that she can get accustomed to it and learn it eventually. It was a tipping point for me that I almost went over to my parents to ask for help. Of course, in the end I didn't. They still couldn't forgive me for how I handled my life and my choices. They didn't even attend Henry's funeral.
Henry's mum has been helpful with Lily but they live all the way in Devonshire that she only gets to visit us every other month or so. She gave us some money but I just couldn't accept any more dole outs from them. Losing their only son is already hard enough.
I fell asleep with Lily latched to me. I woke up and the sun's up. It's July, which only means the British GP is set. I should check in town to see if they have some part time work for me as I work on my job applications.
I unlatch Lily and bring her to her cot and let her get some more sleep. I fix my top and head downstairs to have some breakfast.
This is my life now.
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