DESIDERIUM

nineteen

It's dark outside when I get back to the pack hospital.

And there's no one in there except one nurse, that tells me that there's a pack meeting happening right now.

That's why I risk walking into Levi's room again and after some time of just looking at his pale face, I sit down in the chair next to his bed.

At first, I hesitate, but then I take his hand in mine, playing with his fingers.

With my elbows on the bed, I pick his hand up and put it on my forehead.

"I'm sorry, Levi," I whisper lowly, pressing my lips to his hand.

"I'm so sorry."

My eyes start closing on their own accord and I don't notice my head slowly sinking down onto the mattress.

I try to stay awake but even with my eyes closed they feel heavy and eventually exhaustion just takes over and I fall asleep like that, holding his hand pressed to my lips.

*

I slowly start to wake up when I feel a hand in my hair, gently running through it.

"I think he's waking up," whispers a melodic, but a weak voice, and I hum, content with the warm feeling that goes through my body because of the touch.

There's a soft chuckle heard in the room, but is soon erupted by coughs, which is essentially what wakes me up.

"Hm, what?" I ask while sitting up and rubbing my eyes, then notice the pain in my neck and wince.

That's when I finally open my eyes and am greeted with Levis's green eyes, which are looking at me with a soft glimmer in them.

"Good morning," he mumbles softly and that's when my tired brain registers the fact that he's awake.

"You're awake!"

I startle him and myself when I jump up from the stool, only to tackle him in a hug, by wrapping my arms around his neck and basically forcing him to my chest.

That's when he winces and I instantly want to rear back, but he doesn't let me, instead wraps his arms around my waist, humming in contentment.

"You're awake," I whisper, not able to keep the relief at bay, but that's when someone clears their throat uncomfortably somewhere behind me and this time I do jump away from Levi, only to be met with Adrian's languid gaze.

And that's also when all the memories from yesterday (is it yesterday?) come flooding back to me and I feel my face fall and the familiar dullness in my chest comes back all warmth I've felt from the hug gone.

"Uh, sorry," I shuffle away a little from both of them and when I met Levis's eyes they turn sad.

"What are you apologizing for?"

I shrug my shoulders, now unable to meet either of their eyes, and instead look down at the ground at my shuffling.

Was yesterday even real?

My wolfs gently reminds that it was.

"Well, uh, I'll... go," I state, after a tense silence has been happening for too long, tacking a few steps froward, when Adrian steps in my way.

"Rafael," he murmurs, dark eyes fixed on me, but I'm not able to look at him, instead look at his chest.

When he understands that I won't look at him at my own accord, his finger gently touch my chin and guide me to look at him.

It's not forceful, I barely even feel it, he gives me the choice to look at him and I do, and when I look into his eyes, I exhale softly.

"I don't want your apology," I whisper, remembering some of his words and only now realizing how mich they hurt.

Maybe if you hadn't gotten shot you would've never had to come back and wouldn't have caused as many problems as you did.

"I know," he pauses, his gaze never wavering from mine, "that doesn't change the fact that I am sorry."

"Mostly I'm sorry because none of it is true. None of it. And I need you to know that."

"Why would you say all that stuff if it weren't true? Or if you hadn't thought about it before?" I ask dully, stepping away from him because this proximity to him just confuses me.

"Because I was angry. And I was scared. Scared for our mate, scared for my pack. That doesn't excuse anything, I know it doesn't. I'm not apologizing to earn your forgiveness, I don't deserve it. I'm apologizing for blaming you for my fault and for my failing."

Our mate?

"Maybe it was my fault. What you said made sen-"

"No. No it wasn't," and suddenly he's standing right in front of me again, both of his hands on each side of my face and his eyes boring into mine, the eye contact so intense I gulp nervously.

"It's not your fault. None of it. I was the one that failed to notice something was wrong and I was the one that fucked up. I know that. I knew that yesterday too. I don't know why I said what I said but I know that none of it was true. And I need you to know that. "

That's the thing with his presence, it always had that stupid confusing affect on me, and when I find myself nodding faintly, he gives me on of his rare smiles, one that automatically makes my think that maybe I made the right decision.

When his thumb strokes across my cheek a few times, I close my eyes, his touch more soothing than I ever thought it could be.

"Words mean nothing without action. I know I hurt you. More times than I want to count. I'm gonna fix this, our relationship and it's gonna be difficult and I know that, but in the end, it's gonna be worth it. I'm gonna show you just how sorry I am for all the things I put you through one way or another."

"We put you through," Levi butts in, and that's when Adrian removes his hands to look at our other mate, nodding in agreement.

"I hope I'll be able to forgive you," I mumble, because I do, at least some part of me does.

We're all going through our lives for the first time. All of us are just figuring stuff out, we just happen to be werewolves, which can make it ten times more difficult.

Especially as an Alpha and Luna. Or Beta, still haven't figured that out.

Nevertheless, they hurt me a lot. Even if they didn't know we were mates at the time, even if they're not at fault for what my uncle did to me, their actions hurt a lot.

"You just... hurt me a lot," I blurt out, without really thinking and when I look up I meet their eyes, while Levis are dejected, there's a kind of understanding in Adrians that weirdly enough makes me feel a little better about this whole messed up situation.

"We truly are sorry."

I nod in understanding, because I believe them. I really do. I just don't know how to forgive them yet.

"Uh, well, I don't want to make this about me," Levi pipes up after a moment of silence, his face scrunched up, "but I think I need some more painkillers."

I get why you guys don't really like Adrian and Levi and don't want Rafael to forgive them but we forget that they've become Alpha and Beta/Luna of the pack at a really young age and that's not an easy task. But we'll be seeing more about that later on. It doesn't justify their actions but still.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE PEOPLE!!
love every single one of you so much, thank you for all the support on this story<3