DESIDERIUM

twenty two

That night I dream of the man in the woods.

I'm in a dark forest, with no sight of a way out anywhere. The trees are so tall I can't even see their ends and the forest is so dark, I can barely see my own hands.

What I do see tho are his dark eyes everywhere, following me everywhere. And I try to run from them, from him, but I can't because each step just leads me deeper and deeper into the forest and he seems to get closer with each step I take away from him.

At one point when I turn around he's nowhere to be seen anymore and my steps falter, I stumble, fall onto my knees.

When I look up he's standing right in front of me, a borderline psychotic look in his eyes, and that's when I finally startle awake.

My breathing's heavy and my chest feels way too fucking tight. Almost automatically my hand comes to my chest, rubbing the spot as if that would help ease the tension.

"Rafael?" a sleepy voice mumbles, catching me off guard for a second, before I realize it's just Adrian.

Well, not just Adrian because now my heart isn't just beating fast because of my dream but because of the reminder that he's sleeping next to me.

And the reminder off all the things that happened yesterday. And the day before. And the day before the day before.

That doesn't make any sense. I shake my head, in hopes to clear my mind just a little.

"Sorry, just... uh, keep sleeping," I suggest, my voice scratchy and unsure. I just need to calm down for a little, and then I'll fall back asleep.

My dreams have always been weird, maybe I just got used to them, because they don't affect me as much anymore as they used to.

A glass of cold water would do the trick most of the time.

The times it didn't are times I try not to think about.

"Are you alright?" he asks instead, voice soft, and he sits up, yawning loudly and his hands running through his wild mop of hair. A gesture that makes my chest feel a little lighter, all of a sudden.

"I'm fine, really."

But because he has to make his own picture of everything, he cups my face with his right hand gently, his attentive, but tired eyes, searching my face for any sign of distress.

"You sure?" he asks, and when I nod, he hums in acknowledgment, his hand leaving my face and I let out a quiet breath, one I didn't notice I was holding.

"Then lay down," he suggests, and I nod mutely again, doing as he said.

What I don't expect him to do is cover me up with the comforter all the way up to my chin and him taking my hand, intertwining it with mine.  

When I look at him his eyes are closed, but a small tug at the corner off his lips tells me, that he knows exactly what he's doing to me.

Bastard. Asshole. Prick. Idiot.

Even with all these insult on my mind, I can't stop the small smile forming on my face, the haunting eyes of the hunter forgotten already.

But not for long.

*

After waking up at around eight o clock, Adrian said he'd go visit Levi and bring him breakfast, asking me if I wanted to come.

I agreed because it's not like I had anything better to do.

We didn't talk about yesterday and neither did we talk about what happened at night, but I'm glad because I honestly wouldn't know what to tell him.

That I just happen to be like this sometimes? So deep into that black hole that I sometimes don't even feel like fighting my way out anymore? That all I do in life is try to escape it and all I do is fall deeper and deeper into it?

Nope, not gonna tell him that. Or anyone, really.

The way to the small pack hospital is silent, both of us just trailing alongside each other. It's not an uncomfortable silence, though. It's that good kind of silence, that silence that doesn't need to be filled.

When he opens the door to Levi's room for me, I give him a small smile, before my eyes settle on Levi, who's looking right at me.

"Hey," I call softly, and he gives me one of his heartfelt smiles, one that almost never fails to make me warm inside.

I suddenly feel shy in his presence, thinking of the last moment we shared just yesterday, but Levi's oblivious to it, and just motions for me to sit down on the chair next to him.

Adrian walks up to him as well, bending down to press a loving kiss to his mates forehead, muttering a soft hello.

God, they're just so... ugh.

I actually have to look away because of the tightness that suddenly appears in my chest. Maybe one that never really left.

"I'll actually be released today," Levi announces, and I frown, not quite believing that the nasty wound he got himself actually healed already.

Judging by Adrian's look, he doesn't either.

"I'm fine, I swear, it's all healed!" Levi protests almost immediately, lifting up his shirt, where there's still a nasty red wound, that's definitely not fully healed yet.

"Well, almost," he smiles sheepishly and I can't help but smile a little, and shake my head at his antics.

"We're matching now," I say, without thinking much of it, and both their eyes snap to me almost instantly, but I just shrug my shoulders, "it's true."

"Yeah, it fucking is," Adrian grumbles, clearly not happy about the fact.

"It's not like it's my only scar either," well, this one I clearly didn't think over, because their faces almost immediately confront into a frown, and I grimace.

"Sorry."

"Not your fault, so nothing to apologize for," Levi tries to smile, but fails, clearly thinking about the ugly marks on my skin.

It's not like I remember how I got most of them anyway. I don't remember a lot of that time, clearly.

Otherwise, I would know who the man with those haunted eyes is. The eyes that now haunt my dreams, I think bitterly, remembering how I startled awake this night because of them.

Adrian and Levi mistake my sour-turning face, and their eyes turn sad.

One thing that has always bothered both of them is the fact that I rarely say a word about my past, thinking there is something to say when there actually isn't.

I just sometimes remember glimpses or dream about incoherent things, but I don't remember anything clearly. I don't even remember my mum's face. Just her screams. And the screams of all the others.

Those are something that will probably never escape my memory.

But I've been doing a pretty good job at banishing them from my mind. Only since the hunter spoke to me, they came back to my mind.

"You wanna compare which scar looks more badass?" I ask playfully, wanting to get rid of the memory and their desolate faces, and it kinda works, more than anything because they let it happen, which I'm grateful for.

For some time, we fall into simple conversations and for a moment everything feels like it used to.

For a brief moment. Very briefly, in fact.

I always think of this story and come up with so many things, no clue how I'm going to continue it
feel free to comment because I read every single one of them and appreciate them so much <3