CLANDESTINE : Spencer Reid

46

I try to escape Caro. Once dinner is ending and people are heading out I just sort of slip out of the room and head into the bathroom. My face looks the same as ever. Pale, pink, freckled. I smooth out the hairs that are beginning to fly away from my head. Then, I emerge into the hallway. Reid stands there, leaning against the wall opposite the bathrooms. When he sees me, he straightens up.

"I brought you here as a date, not a bodyguard," I smile at him. "Please tell me you didn't bring your Glock with you."

Reid shakes his head, but he smiles widely. I meet him, lock my arm around his holding it as we head toward the parking lot together.

"So, tell me what I missed," I whisper.

He starts to relay the instructions. People are just starting to leave now, which is nice. I can get lost in the crowd. While Reid explains the ceremony, I smile, trying to make it look like we are having a more intimate moment. We get outside. It's not even a quarter past eight, but the sun has long since dipped over the horizon. My arms are freezing. My feet pick up pace after he finishes the instructions that are relevant to me, halfway to the car. He stops, if just for a second.

"There aren't a lot of lights," he whispers.

I feel how stiff his body has become. I position myself so I'm in front of him. He stares past me. The cold air blows through us, and I take the brunt of it, but it doesn't matter to me. My eyes or focused on his chest, watching for the way he breathes. It seems too quick. I close my eyes and then put my hand on his chest. Beneath my fingers, I can feel his collarbone behind the button-up he's wearing. I can feel his heart, hammering away.

"Look down," I tell him. "Spencer, look at me."

He obeys my command, his eyes finding mine.

"It is dark," he tells me.

I nod my head.

"It was..." he swallows. I watch him blink, and his voice starts to shake. "It was a farm. JJ and I were on a farm when Tobias Henkel abducted me. We had split up. He kept me in a barn."

I look up at him.

"We are here," I manage. "We aren't there."

The details of his abduction are ones that I avoid. The days after were terrible, nearly as bad as any May.

"I know," he tells me.

He meets my eyes, but he doesn't meet me. There is something missing in his gaze. As if maybe he's able to move his eyes around but there is no visual input going to his brain. Like he's a buzzing red sign at a hotel, inviting stragglers to book one of the dozens of empty rooms. Maybe the problem isn't that he's never been allowed to see me. Maybe the problem is that I've never thought about how I see him.

"Should we go back inside, for a second?" I ask.

He shakes his head, "I'm... acclimatizing. I've been on farms since then for cases. Even farms at night. Usually though, we're involved in active investigations and I have my gun drawn so there's some adrenaline in me. I think I'll be fine. I just want to stand here for a second, if that's okay."

"Of course," I manage.

My hand is still on his chest. A wiser woman would pull it away, but I leave it there. I feel his pulse beneath my hand. It's fading away. Yet he feels closer. I try to count how many seconds go by and how many beats there are over each ten second interval. I may have a master's in mathematics, but I'm not able to count both at the same time.