Research: Romance

history

I spent the weekend writing down everything that happened and using what I could to deepen the narrative...A cluster of chapters came from it, but to be totally honest, most of my time consisted of me lying on the study floor, staring at the ceiling, and contemplating what I got myself into.

What am I doing? I asked myself, absent mindedly staring at the light fixture above me. What do I want?

My computer fan hums on the desk, reminding me I only had five more minutes in my break. It's roughly 10:30 pm Sunday night, and my chapters were due on Desi's desk first thing in the morning for review and discussion. I'd reached the part in the story where she meets her love interest in the cafe but couldn't go farther. Each time I tried to imagine him he lacked definition and, frankly, life. The process felt like inventing oxygen just to release it at the mouth of a vacuum.

Which is my superfluous way of saying: my ideas totally sucked.

I want to write a great romance novel. To get a movie deal. To figure out why everyone seems to think I know about this stuff. To see if I really do. To watch Maizy's smug face fall when I produce the romance novel of a lifetime in under 10 weeks.

This one makes me smile, and I chuckle to myself before continuing the list.

And maybe... to experience it a little again.

My thoughts catch me off guard, and the familiar prick of a pin in my lungs has me closing my eyes in disappointment. Remorse sinks in my stomach, and I quickly shake my head. No, Leah. None of that.

Having indulged in it once was enough. And, although I didn't think I was particularly wounded by that experience anymore, I knew that it wasn't a promising idea for me moving forward.

Romance turned me into someone phony. Well...I guess I shouldn't say that. Afterall, it wasn't romance's fault. It was mine. Completely mine.

I hadn't always needed research, or real-life experience, to write. At one time I could have imagined anything. In fact, I considered having an overactive imagination a gift as a kid. It helped imbue my world with magic and transformed me into a budding writer. That is until I met Levi Gomez.

We bumped into each other while lost in the wrong dorms freshman year of college and instantly clicked. Levi was the guy every little girl dreamed of marrying, every teenage girl dreamed of noticing her, and every girl like me dreamed of staying with forever.  All my attempts at relationships in high school paled in comparison to his kind and sincere heart.

My expectations started out harmless, at first. Having someone to daydream about seemed fun, even exciting. I built countless scenarios around him every time we were together and even more when we were apart. But as things grew more serious, and I realized just how much I liked him, insecurity crept in. My mind turned on me, and I became convinced that it wouldn't last if I wasn't just as perfect for him in return.

So, like a misguided fool, I invented a version of myself I thought he desired...and a lie I thought I needed to be happy.

Soon, perfecting our story-book romance became a fixation. I spent days planning worlds that crumbled the minute I got home, and nights crushed with guilt for lying to him about who I was. Most of all, I was ashamed of lying to myself about who I wanted to be. Still, I was convinced it was what I was meant to do. So, I continued to script out my life for the next two years, and hated every second I spent living the storyline. By the time my dedication began to waver, I had dug so deep that the lies were smothering.

At that point, Levi, who had noticed a change in my behavior, grew concerned. My attendance dropped, we stopped eating together, and barely talked outside of texting (all precautions I put in place to avoid lying to him).

So, he called me to his dorm, and asked the worst question you can ask anyone on the edge of a mental breakdown: "Are you okay?"

It all came rushing out... lies, guilt, shame, insecurities. Like a river, it flowed out of my mouth and into his ears. Levi listened to every second in silence as I confessed and apologized.

"So, we start over." He offered kindly, taking my hands in his hand, and staring at me with big brown eyes. "I don't want to give up on this, Leah."

Then he smiled at me with all his heart, "Not when we've just met."

We gave it another try, but I knew it was too late. My sense of self-trust was shattered, and I couldn't stand the guilt sitting on my chest every time he accidentally discovered another one of my lies when we were together. Stupid things like the food I enjoyed, my favorite color, even the books I liked to read. I deceived him in everything... all in the name of love.

We broke up. Indefinitely.

I hurt Levi in ways I never wanted to. He was the one person I could have seen myself loving for a long time, and I would have if I had just shown him the facts. If I had been honest from the start. Instead, by the time we graduated from university, he wouldn't even glance in my direction when I passed by. He didn't want to, and I didn't blame him.

With time and maturity, my emotional intelligence improved. Thank God. However, the social skill side of things didn't quite blossom the way I would have liked. I remained a clumsy communicator, and when that paired with my emotion-based introversion... the true version of myself turned out to be a little...odd on occasion. But I was cool with it. 

My insecurities also transmuted into strengths as I accepted them. With Desi and Henry keeping me honest, the loving help of my parents, and my own desire to be happily independent, the real Leah was unveiled for all to see... albeit a little bumped and bruised.

The only thing I didn't let myself regain was the full capacity of my imagination. Better safe than sorry.

Instead, I found my confidence in the world of realistic fiction and independence in being single. If I wasn't single, it was because I was with someone who also found security in restricting all semblance of romance from the relationship instead. It was a drastic change for me at first, but crumbling realities and heart-wrenching betrayals of that kind didn't really happen with a-romantic relationships. Everything was straight forward, mutually planned, and amicably predicted. Boyfriends, dates, even one-night stands were all out of a practical sort of necessity and surface-level affection.

The reassurance that I would never hurt someone like I had hurt Levi made the compromise of putting my inner romantic away seem worth it.

I still needed, and often experienced, love... I just didn't exactly indulge in romantic love anymore. Life was still fun and pleasant without it... At least, it has been so far.

My heroine and her lover, however, would not be like me in any way. They would be the embodiment of passionate encounters and romantic intentions. They committed themselves to the dream of love and damned the consequences!

A daring and dashing duo, built for any trial romance throws their way.

I smile at the idea, and, like magic, I can slowly see the love interest start to reveal his character to me. Getting up from my floor, I walk over to my desk and type it out. It feels right, so I sit down and keep going with it. Pretty soon the lover comes to life.

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Hello my lovelies!

 Short and sweet chapter to get a little background on why Leah is, shall we say, cautious, regarding romance. Which, I can't say I blame her on that one, I'd be a little gun shy too! Poor Levi.... However, I think we both know that's not going to last long with a certain person involved these days ;) 

Am I right? or am I right?  B) *That is a smiley face with sunglasses btw ahaha). 

Then again, this is a slow burn romance, so it may take longer than we think..... hmmm.....

Okay, well i'm off to do some writing of my own, so i'll see ya'll soon for the next update! 

with love, 

e.g.