- oneshots / multi

- drained

jake hadn't gotten out of bed all day, which was concerning if you'd known the man. he was known for waking up at six and having his routine like clockwork, hitting the gym, doing streams, and doing several different activities all involving leaving the house, or at least his room. it was now five in the afternoon and he was still doing nothing, practically begging himself to fall asleep but knowing it wouldn't work due to the fact his mind was racing and he felt weak. this almost never happened. he always congratulated himself about how he was doing good physically and mentally and how his productivity was through the roof.

but everyone has their days. and today was definitely one of those days for jake. he couldn't do anything. he could barely reach over to the bedside table to grab his cell, nevermind leave his room or even get out of bed for that matter. he hated it, he wanted to go and pick some shitty restaurant to review, or go out and make some meaningless purchase, or even just drive around or sit in the backyard to get a breath of fresh air. but it was almost like he was chained to his bed, physically restrained and unable to even roll over.

—

"jake!" johnnie's voice could be heard all throughout the house. he assumed that jake had gone out like usual and sighed to himself, pulling the fridge open and grabbing a water. his phone buzzed with a couple notifications alrhough none interesting enough for him to pay any mind to. he hummed, scrolling down his imessages and tapping on jake's name. 'wry?' he typed out. 'answer when you can. i miss you."

jake didn't answer for a little bit. until he finally got the motivation to respond to the message that he'd read a few minutes before. he was just staring at the message, rereading it over and over again. 'room'

johnnie furrowed his eyebrows, tucking his phone in the pocket of his pajama pants and going up the stairs, to the right and to where jake's room was. he knocked a few times. "love?" 

concern came over him when he didn't get an answer. he sighed. "i'm coming in if you don't tell me off."

and still nothing. he turned the doorknob, peeking his head in. "jake.. what's up?" he said softly. "what's going on?"

"i don't know." he said with a small broken voice, "i don't.."

"hey." johnnie sat down beside him. "okay, you don't have to tell me what's going on." he looked down, fidgeting with the draw strings on his pants. "can i stay in here with you, or do you want to be alone?"

"it doesn't matter." he said in a monotone voice. "it doesn't.. i don't know what i want right now. i mean, i do know but.. i can't just." he stopped. "i'm not making any sense, am i?

"no, not really." johnnie looked down. "but i know what you mean, in a way." he lay down on his back, beside his lover. "i've been in your position before. nearly every week, year after year. and it isn't easy to explain."

"i hate this. i hate this." jake hid his face in his pillow. "i haven't been able to get out of bed, i can't cry, i can't eat, i can't sleep, it's like i'm dead. i don't even want you to see me like this, man. you shouldn't.."

"you okay with being touched?" johnnie whispered.

"i look horrible right now, baby. you don't gotta stay here." he turned.

"hey, are you okay with being touched?" johnnie asked again.

"please." jake looked away.

johnnie put a hand on jake's cheek. "i never told you when i first realised i loved you, hey? when i really realised i wanted to love you and you only."

jake shook his head.

"it was when i was having a really bad episode. i was crying, i was in bed for weeks, i was being an asshole and swearing and yelling and you didn't care. you did exactly what i'm doing now. you stayed with me for hours. you were holding me as i cried my eyes out and you didn't even care."

"you told me everything was going to be okay. we weren't dating, that was when we were just friends. and then i realised i loved you. i loved you because you cared about me and you cared for me like nobody else did. that's exactly what i want to do for you, you know why?"

jake looked up, vulnerability painted all over his face. "it's because i love you. i love you so much and i'll be here until you're okay." johnnie kissed his forehead. "i mean it."

"will things get better? right now it feels like it'll never get better. i was doing so good, i was so proud of myself but it feels like it just went to waste."

"things will always get better." johnnie ran his thumb over jake's cheek. "they always will, love. i promise you that, hell, i used to be like that and i thought things would never, ever get better."

"what happened? what helped you get better?" jake asked.

"you." johnnie whispere. "i was lost without you. you saved me. you're the reason i'm still here."

jake made the first move this time. he put his arms under johnnie's and hugged his waist tightly. "i'm sorry you gotta deal with me like this. i should be stronger."

"no.. love." johnnie tilted his chin back up. "you don't have to be stronger. you know, its okay to not be okay. it's fine to have your days and you need to understand that. this doesn't make you weaker. this doesn't make you any less stronger, hell, it makes you more tough. to admit how you're feeling and to tell me how you're doing is probably the most strong thing you can do right now. don't for one second think this makes you any less strong." he kissed his forehead. "i'd pull you up here but i don't really have the strength to do that."

jake adjusted himself so he was now eye level with johnnie. yet he was still avoiding his glance. "look at me?" johnnie asked, a hand still on jake's cheek. he looked up, and johnnie leaned over to kiss him on the lips. "i love you. i will always fucking love you, and things are gonna get better."

"you sure?"

"i'm sure." johnnie kissed him again, pulling him in a tight hug. and things were okay, for jake, in that moment.

wc 1109