The Winner

Supermarket Flowers

It's been well over two hours now and the line is still out the door. I glance up Luke. Like me, he's going through the motions. Red, wet, puffy eyes. Cheeks flushed. Barely hanging on. We are here, but not here mentally. Not yet. I fear when reality crashes down on us it's going to tear us both to shreds. The trauma hasn't fully set in yet.

I wipe my eyes, adjust my long black dress a little and fix my hair. I take a deep breath trying to keep my composure.

The entire room smells like flowers. All different kinds of flowers, all around the room, overflowing into the hall. Poster boards of photos and memories the team made to honor Danny, displayed throughout the foyer. All you can hear throughout the room is soft talking and sniffling. The only time it was loud is when Luke's girlfriend went to the casket and broke down. Her mother whisked her away and apologized, which I thought was weird. Jenna was just reacting to what we were trying to hold in. She's only 17.

Luke continues to stand up straight and be strong , but every once in awhile I notice his body quivering, just a little, as he holds in his sobs. When that happens I grab hold of his shaky hand and we continue on.

"Let me know if you need a 10 minute break," The funeral director says sympathetically.

"No, Let's just get this over with." Luke looks down at me and I nod in agreement. He knows I can't hold on much longer. It's already been such a long week. Neither of us have slept or eaten much at all. Our life, completely turned upside down with the loss of our only child.

"I understand, sir." The nice man walks away. Before the next group, I turn around and open my purse. I know the Dr. gave me these pills for a reason. I was just never one to be prescription medications. Now this week I have been taking one pill every 6 hours. I unlock my phone to see I still have two hours to go before I can take another dose. I put one pill in my pocket so I can take it later, and return to the standing position I've been in for hours.

Danny's entire team comes in at once. I look at their devastated faces, their swollen puffy eyes, as they filter in. Luke grabs my hand hard without looking at me, his eyes straight ahead. He's about to break down. This team...... these boys... they were like family to us, The boys grew up together, have been on the same team forever.

A few of Danny's team mates couldn't handle going up to the casket. Luke just nodded letting them each know it was ok to just walk away. He's being strong for us both now as the lump in my throat is about to explode.

Danny's very best friend AJ, and his mom who were at the scene, enter the line. I try not to look at A.J.'s face. He uses his sleeve to wipe the tears from his eyes before coming to us. He can't say anything. His lips are quivering and I know if he tries to say anything he's going to burst into tears. A.J. gives me a hug an I can feel his body shaking. The heartbreak from losing his best friend is too much. He quickly gives Luke a hug and heads straight to the exit, barely making it out the door before we hear him sob.

Fuck 2 hours. I put the pill under my tongue and silently cry .

********

"It's ok, I've got ya..." I hold on to Julia tightly and wipe the hair away from her cheeks. This one's bad. She just fell asleep about two hours ago. The nightmares are coming more frequently as we get closer to the end of the month. Tonight's is the worst I've ever seen. She holds on to my arm in her sleep while she sobs, her body shaking the entire time. I was able to at least move her grip down a little, away from the black and blue from two nights ago. I'm really going to have to put a pillow or something between us at night.

As we get closer to her son's birthday and the day he passed away I'm been hyperfocused on Julia. She doesn't sleep much, and certainly not eating enough lately. I've been finding ways to sleep in the hotel with her most nights now, James is really the only one that sees me come and go. He's trustworthy. I don't worry about James.

"Shhhh.. You're ok.. Jules... it's just a dream." I whisper in her ear to console her, knowing she WILL eventually wake up. It tears me apart seeing her like this. Julia never tells me about her dreams after. She says she doesn't remember, but I know she does. I don't push it.Just like I don't push details of Danny's death. I still don't know what happened.

Tonight's seems worse than two nights ago which was bad, and lasting much longer. One thing I know, she hasn't gotten much sleep which means maybe she hasn't taken the Ativan, which, as bad as it sounds, is a huge relief to me, because I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with BOTH Cara and Julia having drug issues.

I rock her and quietly sing to her and do whatever I can . Tonight I notice her forehead is sweating which I've never noticed the other times, her sobs are much louder, her eyes closed so tight, and her shaking is stronger. All I can do is hold her and let her desperately grip my arm as whatever she is dreaming plays out.

"Cmon Jules, time to wake up," once again I feel my face getting hot, my emotions almost coming out in the form of tears but I hold it in. "Julia....It's just a dream." I remind her. I have no fucking clue if she can hear me when this happens but I repeat it all anyways, if not for her, for myself.

She should be done soon and then everything will go back to normal. Julia startles me and I jump when she lets out this wail as she throws her arms over my shoulders to hug me. She's awake now, but unlike the other times, she's still shaking and sobbing and holding on to me, burying her face in my neck. I continue to hold her tight and rock her.

" It's ok... I got ya.. you're ok." I push her hair away and let her cry, wondering how her dreams could possibly be getting worse , physically giving her night terrors stronger each time.

"I'm sorry," Julia tries to catch her breath as she embraces me.

"Welcome back." I move my head back so I can see her face a little. "Babe, that was a bad one." I tuck her hair behind her ear and wipe the tears from the side of he face.

Julia pushes herself off me and we resume the usual position. I sit up leaning against the headboard while she rests her head on my chest. Like usual, I play with her hair or twirl it around my fingers. It seems to help her relax afterwards. Her heart pounding heart starts to slow down trying to achieve a normal pace.

"Did I hurt you?" She doesn't bother to look, she knows already now. She asks me this every time.

"I'm good. Just don't be offended if I put a pillow between us from now on." I try to laugh a little and feel her body against me starting to calm down.

"This one seemed worse than than the others. Wanna talk about it, love?" I know she's going to say no like she always does.

"There were so many flowers.."

I sit up a little in surprise. She's really going to talk about it? Julia continues to keep her head on my chest, her face down so she doesn't have to make eye contact. I don't interrupt her either to ask questions, afraid she will stop talking. Instead I comb my fingers through her hair while she remembers her dream.

"All different kinds." Julia continues. "The whole room smelled of flowers." Her voice is soft and and she speaks with a monotone to her words, like she has used up all her emotions.

"All the kids were crying." She sniffs.

Kids? What kids? I want to ask but again, don't want her to stop all together.

Julia looks up at me with tear rimmed eyes. 

"It felt so real!" She cries. The devastation in her face broke me. I quickly pull her body up to me and embrace her.

"It's ok, it was just a dream." I kiss her forehead. Usually her dreams don't carry on like this. Julia is never too emotional once she wakes up fully. Why is this one any different?

"No it wasn't though!" Julia retorts.

"I was at the funeral."

*****