The Winner

I Fooled Around And Fell In Love

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. First Peter."

I look at James in confusion as we walk Maggie through the park.

"That was today's verse in my devotional this morning. Pretty fucking fitting, right?" Maggie pulls him a little, trying to chase a squirrel. "Leave him alone, Mags."

"You can remember and quote Bible verses??" I  can't remember my own social security number or what happened yesterday and this man is reciting the fricken Holy Bible.

"You should come to church with me Sunday. You're apparently already invited to my mom's house for my birthday dinner. Might as well meet the rest of my sisters." James stops short and untangles his dog's leash that is now caught between her hind legs.

"ALL your sisters go to church with you? The same church?"

"The same church." James looks down at me and smiles a little. The first smile I've seen since he had words with his father. 

"We wouldn't be able to get through half the shit if we didn't have faith in something."

Maggie gets tired and plops down on the grass. We follow suit and sit next to each other while we continue our conversation.

"Have you always gone to church? Even...." 

"Even while living with Joe? No. God no. My father told us HE is god and we should be worshipping him. Sick bastard. We didn't start going to church until we were in our twenties. Mom found this one from a lady at her counseling place she went to for battered women." The words flow out of his mouth like what he just said is no big deal, yet it's shock to my system.

"Did.. Did he abuse ALL of you? Nevermind." I retract my question quickly. "You don't have to answer that. It's none of my business." I pet Maggie and try to advert my eyes somewhere else.

"Everyone, in one form or another. Everyone but Kendall. Ma got us out of there while pregnant with Ken. She almost lost her when he pushed mom down the basement stairs. She was six months pregnant, I think. I can't remember. But yeah. We went into a women and children's shelter for awhile. Joe tries to get under her skin now that she's an adult but Kendall didn't have to live with him. We're all relieved about that." James lays back on the grass, puts his hands behind his head  and looks up to the sky.

I look down at him trying to keep my eyes dry though I want to explode hearing about his childhood. He doesn't talk about it often but when he does give me bits and pieces they shatter me.

"How are you able to talk about all this so freely? How are you not in a hole of depression?" I lay down next to James and he immediately moves sideways to rest his head on my stomach before Maggie can. Like always, I comb my fingers through his hair knowing it he likes it.

"Told ya. Years of therapy. I was in counseling well before Carter was even a thought."

We lay silently for awhile. James closes his eyes while I play with his hair and I study him. He's so perfect for someone who has to endure so much. His abusive dad still living close and making his appearance known to scare his own kids. His own ADULT grown kids. I wonder if this is one of the reasons James works out so much. I wonder if he thinks he has to stay on top of his game to be bigger than his already pretty built father. Maybe to feel like he can protect his sisters and mom if things get physical? I don't dare ask. I  sit and let James relax on my stomach at my favorite spot in the park.

A good fifteen minutes or so goes by before I finally get the courage to ask my next question.

"James..."