Full Strength

Forty-Lillian ❤️‍🩹

        Tonight, I'd decided to read in bed while Logan watched the game on his laptop. Even though our relationship was new, we weren't totally glued to the hip. Living together meant that we still wanted our alone time, even though our time together was slowly draining away.

         My phone lit up. It was Jade. I'd thanked her for helping Logan set up the trip to the art museum last week, and she was insisting that it had been no trouble. I wasn't sure if Logan had told her that it was for Valentine's Day, so I left that detail out. 

        I felt bad; Jade and I hadn't hung out in a while. We texted each other a lot, and sometimes we did phone calls, but the last time we'd hung out was in December, when we'd gone window-shopping downtown. I made a note to figure out when we could hang out as soon as Logan was just a little more independent.

        Speaking of Logan, he knocked on my door. I glanced up, surprised to find his eyes rimmed red. Setting my book down, I asked, "You okay?"

         He tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace. "Remember how a while ago you offered to let me cry really hard like a three-year-old?" he said, swallowing hard.

        Wordlessly, I opened up my arms and reached for him. He set his crutches down on the floor before crawling onto the bed, accepting the embrace. His face was buried in the sleeve of my shirt as he silently cried, his shoulders shaking with sobs. Clutching him to my torso, I couldn't help but feel bad for him. I had no idea what it was like to be in his shoes. He'd been patient, waiting out and even extending his time in the cast that ran up to his thigh. All the while putting on a brave smile, a reassurance that he didn't mind as long as he got better. But he'd been cracking for weeks now, and finally the floodgates had broken.

        Sniffling, he choked out, "I'm sorry."

        "Don't be sorry," I whispered, kissing the top of his head. "You have nothing to apologize for."

        "I'm ruining your shirt," he mumbled, drawing back slightly.

        "That's okay. I can wash it," I said, pulling him closer again. He nodded miserably, his eyes screwed shut and his cheeks shimmering with tears.

         Logan cried for several minutes. I didn't say anything, wanting him to open on his own. I also understood that maybe he just needed to cry for a bit without talking about how he felt.

          Finally, he gulped down some air, sitting up and wiping his tears with the back of his hand. Silently, I passed him the tissue box from my nightstand. He mumbled a thanks before blowing his nose.

        "Feel any better?" I asked gently.

        He shrugged halfheartedly. Still shaking, he whispered, "I'm sorry. It's just been extra hard these past couple of weeks."

         "I know," I murmured, brushing away a couple stray tears. "I can tell you you're brave and that you only have a few days left, but it doesn't change how you feel right now."

        "I'm just sick of being a problem," Logan said bitterly. "You have to work so hard just to barely keep me on the healthier side of being injured. I can't see my family as much. I've abandoned my teammates. Everywhere I go, it's a hundred times more difficult than it used to be. And I'm sick of being tired from just the smallest of tasks."

       I hugged him again, my arms tightly around his shoulders. He hugged me in return, hiding his face in the curtain of my hair. A few more tears slid down his face as he whispered, "I just want to be able to walk. At this point I don't even care about skating. I just want my life to not be so difficult on everyone else around me."

        "You're not difficult to us," I whispered, the ache in my chest one of sympathy. "We care about you, Logan. We want to live our lives with you. If it means a little extra work than we're used to, it's worth it."

        He closed his eyes. "I know. And I try to tell myself that."

        Running my fingers through his hair, I whispered, "I'm selfish for saying this, but I'm really grateful that I've gotten to spend all this time with you. Even the days where we sit around the house, bored out of our minds, I appreciate them."

        "I appreciate them too," Logan murmured, muffled by my shirt.

        "You're not difficult. You're important to me. I love when I get to do things for you, like making breakfast or watching you swim," I said, tracing my thumb over his cheek. He briefly closed his eyes, soaking in my touch. 

        "Thanks," he said, his voice thick and full of sadness. 

        I hadn't expected him to immediately feel better, and he didn't. It was a hard hole for him to climb out of. Still swirling my fingertips against his skin, I asked softly, "Can I be back in five minutes?"

        Logan nodded, shifting to allow me to slide out of bed. Hurrying, I went to the kitchen, making two mugs of instant hot chocolate and digging out the bag of chocolate-drizzled popcorn. As soon as the microwave beeped, I went back to my room, knocking on the door before entering. Logan was still stretched out on the bed, staring out the window at the snow-covered trees.

        I offered him a smile as I carefully sat down. "I brought snacks. I know it's not much, but it always makes me feel better."

        He slowly sat up. "Thanks, Lilli," he said quietly. 

        "Do you want to watch a movie or something?"

        "I'm actually okay just sitting here with you," he said, giving me a thin smile despite the tears drying on his face.

         "Okay," I whispered, curling up in the blankets and sipping my hot chocolate.

         We finished off the bag of popcorn fairly quickly. Logan threw it in the trash can, which was several feet away. I clapped for his accuracy, making him laugh slightly. The sound warmed me to my toes, making me realize that Logan hadn't been laughing all that much in the past couple of weeks.

        As the night went on, Logan and I found ourselves wrapped more tightly around each other. Soon he was leaning into my shoulder, his arms firmly around my waist as we silently watched the snow drifting down from the night sky. The quiet was welcome, smothering the room in a soft peacefulness.

        "Are you thinking about paradise right now?" Logan asked softly, his nose dipping to skim the curve of my neck.

        My breath caught. "Yes," I whispered.

        "Is it nice there?" he murmured.

        "Yes, but...it's also pretty nice here," I said, turning to look at him. 

        Slowly, he smiled. "Yeah. It is."

        Gently, I brushed a kiss across his lips. It was only for a second, and hardly filled with the blazing passion of our usual kisses. But as I drew back, my face felt warm with a rosy blush. Logan smiled, cupping my jaw as he gave me a kiss in return, this one longer. His kiss silently reassured me that we were going to be okay. That these memories, the ones locked away in quiet rooms and snowy nights, would last forever. Even if we didn't.

        I meant to say when. Not if.