I Don't Deserve You (A Johnlock Fic)

Chapter One

A/N
So, Johnlock. This is just an idea I had, I got the title from a song I was listening that reminded me of Sherlock, Don't Deserve You by Plumb. I'm not quite sure what sort of stuff will be in it yet but I will put the appropriate warnings at the beginning of the chapters. I hope you enjoy and I'd love it if you comment or send me a message if you like it! :)

*John's POV*

"Keep your eyes fixed on me. Please, will you do this for me?"

I squinted up to where Sherlock was standing on the roof of St. Barts hospital.

"Do what?" I replied, confused. What is he doing up there? Why does he sound like he's going to cry?

"This phone call, is uh. It's my note. That's what people do, don't they? Leave a note." His voice was a bit steadier now but his words made my stomach drop.

"Leave a note when?" But I think I already know the answer. My heart races in my chest as I await his reply, my breaths coming fast and heavy.

Please don't say it, please don't say it. I chant this over and over again as I looked up at him, begging with eyes that he can't see for him to not do this.

"Goodbye, John." His voice was distant, but I could hear him choking up a bit.

"No, Don't-!" I begged uselessly.

I watched in slow motion as he spread his arms and leaned forwards, just like he was going to fly away.

Except he didn't fly. No, he fell. He fell quickly, and yet time seemed to stand still as I dropped my phone and ran around the ambulance station.

I cleared the station and was a mere metre away when he smashed against the concrete with a sickening thud, his skull cracking and blood pooling around him as he died instantly.

"SHERLOCK!!!!" I fell to the ground next to him and shook his shoulder desperately.

"No, no nonononono. This must be a trick, its a trick, right Sherlock? come on, get up! GET UP!"

I clutched him tighter as people tried to pull us apart, I could hear screaming in the distance but my entire focus was on the beautiful man lying in a pool of his own blood.

Suddenly a hand grabbed my shoulder and Sherlock gasped, his eyes widening as he looked up at me with hurt written all over his face.

"Why didn't you save me John?"

"Sherlock!" I bolted upright in my bed, my sheets tangled around me and my body drenched in sweat.

I twisted around in panic, desperately trying to free myself from the sheets and stand up.

I finally managed and stumbled into the bathroom, just making it in time to be violently sick in the toilet.

I quickly rinse my mouth and leaned against the sink, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths in.

I often have nightmares about that day, but it has been a long time since they have been that vivid, it felt so real.

I slid to the floor and buried my head in my arms, the pain of losing Sherlock just as hard to bear as it was when it happened, almost exactly six months ago now.

Knowing that there was no way I would be able to sleep now I stripped my damp pyjamas off and turned the shower on, stepping gratefully into the steaming water moments later.

..................

By the time I had finished in the bathroom and poured myself a strong cup of coffee it was 5:30 am.

I walked around the small flat numbly, my mind on the larger flat Sherlock and I used to share.

I couldn't continue living there after Sherlock died, nor could I leave Mrs Hudson, so I compromised and am currently living in the flat next door, which is also owned by Mrs Hudson.

I had zoned out while thinking about our old home, and when I came back to reality I noticed I had been staring at a little black box on the table.

I picked it up and turned it around in my hands, feeling doubt settle in the pit of my stomach as I opened it and gazed at the beautiful diamond ring nestled inside it.

Tonight is the night I will propose to my girlfriend of four months. I know I'm moving fast, but I really like Mary.

And there's my problem. I really like Mary, but Sherlocks the one I'm really in love with, even after all this time.

I feel like I'm betraying Sherlock by proposing to Mary, and I feel like I'm taking advantage of Mary, using her to try and fill the gap that Sherlock left.

Sherlock would hate this ring, it's too fancy. Honestly, diamond?

I sighed heavily and placed it back on the table, unable to look at it any longer.

I shook myself again and decided I might as well just go to work now, maybe I can grab a coffee with Molly if she's not too busy.