I Don't Deserve You (A Johnlock Fic)

Chapter Two

*Johns POV*

The restaurant was light and elegant with well presented waiters in suits walking between tables occupied by posh patrons, who talked and tittered politely amongst themselves.

Despite the expensive and charming interior of the place my heart felt heavy and my gut was begging me not to do this.

Probably just the nerves. I comforted myself with a lie as I waited for Mary's arrival.

Moments later she walked in and I had to admire her lovely cream and black dress and the time she had clearly spent making her short blonde hair perfect.

She chattered briefly with a waiter - she is always cheerful and chatty - before smiling at me and heading over.

"Well this is awfully fancy, isn't it John?" Her eyes lightened as if we were sharing a private joke, but I wasn't feeling it.

I forced a grin onto my face and stood, helping her into her chair before going back to my seat.

A waiter brought us some wine and the conversation was light while we considered the menu.

At last Mary put the menu down and looked across at me knowingly. "Ok, what's going on John?" Her voice was light but serious, her face relaxed and questioning.

"Well, I did actually want to talk to you about something" I cleared my throat nervously and she nodded in encouragement. "So, I know we haven't been dating long - only four months now - but recently I have been thinking about our relationship a lot, and where it's going from here."

I cleared my throat again and her eyes got an excited glint in them "just spit it out, John" she laughed.

"Ok then, um, well, I was wondering if-"

I clutched the ring under the table but couldn't seem to lift it up to show her. My stomach plummeted and I felt the beginning of a panic attack coming.

No, please, not here - not now.

"I-" the words caught in my throat again and her hopeful expression turned concerned.

"John?" She asked softly, leaning forwards and touching one of my hands.

I jerked it away as if I had been burnt and didn't miss the flash of hurt in her eyes, although she masked it quickly.

"Is this it then?" she asked sadly, although she didn't look very surprised.

"I'm so, so sorry Mary, but, I just, I can't" I got out, feeling my hand return the ring to my pocket. "I just- I don't know, I like you Mary, I really do, but-"

She thankfully cut me off before I could make it worse "But you're still in love with Sherlock." It wasn't a question.

"How did you-" she cut me off again with a laugh that only sounded slightly forced.

"I realised you were in love with him just after we started dating. I thought - well I guess I hoped, that given time your love for him would fade and you would be able to love me. I'll admit I've seen this coming, instead of fading your feelings for him seem to be getting stronger. I just hope you will find a way to live in a world without him, even if you can't love again." She definitely didn't look happy, but she didn't look angry.

We stood together and she gave me a brief hug and kissed me on the cheek. "Goodbye John"

I stared after her for a few minutes before a waiter came over to ask if I needed anything.

"Just the check thanks" I replied faintly, paying it and thanking him detachedly.

I left the restaurant and wondered around aimlessly for a few hours, unsure of where to go from here.

I should be sad that things were over between Mary and I, especially since I planned to propose to her, but I mostly just felt relieved.

Relieved that I didn't have to pretend to be in love with her when I knew I wasn't. I mean, sure, I loved her, but I was never in love with her. Not like with Sherlock.

Relief that she wasn't angry, although I am sorry I caused her pain.

I found myself standing outside the ring shop I had been shopping at only weeks before.

After a brief hesitation I entered the place, going up to the counter and waiting patiently for the worker to notice me.

"Hi, I was wondering if I could return this......?" I asked when she came over, putting the little black box on the counter.

She smiled sympathetically and picked up the ring to examine it "no luck with your girl?"

I shook my head and grinned ruefully, even though all I want is to go home and sleep forever. "I didn't go through with it".

"I see"

She clearly didn't see, but I chose not to enlighten her.

I got most of my money back and headed back to my flat (I still can't think of it as home), looking forward to what will hopefully be a dreamless sleep.